By Hans Cutoaf, our expendible unpaid intern.

Iranians went to the polls on Friday to elect the successor to outgoing President Mahmoud Achmadinnerscauld. Candidates reported few serious problems with the process, and the losers sent congratulations to the eventual winner, Hassan Rouhani. There was even a warmly-delivered "Mobourak Hassan jon" from the president himself.

Since the election there has been much speculation concerning the future direction of Iran's foreign policy under Rouhani's leadership, with many commentators anticipating a slight warming of relationships with the west.

By Windbag Scott, Our intern who's wasting his time and tax payers' money studying for a music degree

Alex Salmond is almost certain to be stripped of his position as First Minister after it was revealed he is in favour of pollution.

The dictator ordered one of his minions, MSP Jim Eadie, to fight a decision by the Football Association to ban bagpipes from the England v Scotlandshire comedy football match at Wembley in August.

Bagpipes are an obscure regional set of weapons thought to be the loudest in the world – they produce a screeching wail that causes an opponent to bleed from the ears.

Rightly, health and safety reasons are cited by Wembley bosses for the ban on the violent instrument.

By Unpaid Intern, Our Holding the Fort With No Resources Idiot

Gee! I get to write an article, summarising today's news, and publish it, because all the bosses are away. I just need to stick to their guidelines about how to interpret the headlines.

Scottish Unemployment Continues to Fall

Under the glorious Union, England has generously exported 6,000 jobs to Scotlandshire and Northern Ireland while these provinces could only create another 5,000 jobs of their own. The noble English ex-workers said "We are happy to lose our jobs to those in other parts of the UK, because the wonderful Union gave them governments of their own to run their affairs better than the t*****s at Westminster. In fact, we're getting on our bikes to join them."

Separatist Executive Subsidies Wind

No surprise there then! Salmond wastes resources, better spent on selling arms to Syria, on providing energy to provide jobs and save the planet. We mustn't risk having such dangerous ideas in charge of a separate Scotlandshire!

Scottish Courts to Close

If some 19th century courts have to close, because of the need to limit the pocket money that the Separatist Executive are generously given by the Treasury, then thnk how much worse it would be if the Scotch kept all of their money, but got no bonus from rUK? There would be no courts, but the court of King Eck, and lawlwessness would engulf the land.

Glasgow's Matheson "not a criminal"

Police Scotland have been unable to find any evidence of criminality in the way that Glasgow's SLAB leader mishandled the George Square revamping process. An unnamed police source said "Gordon is a really nice guy, and we couldn't find anything unusual in the way that he handled things compared with his predecessors. Since none of them were done for fraud or similar activities, it follows that Gordon can't have done anything bad either."

Labour's Tom Harris - Frontbench position "beyond me"

Glasgow South MP Tom Harris resigned his Shadow DEFRA Minister post saying that he hadn't realised that DEFRA was basically just a Ministry for English Rural Affairs. "I tried to have an affair with a local Tory farmer's daughter, when I was at school, but she found me to be inadequate as well. I'm sure that everyone will be impressed by my stating the reason for my resignation as 'wanting to spend more time with my family' Like the Hitler spoof which cost me my job last time, that is a wholly original reason which no one has used before."

Theresa May, the May Queen, the Queen of the May, the Summer Queen, (Keep the ) Home (Fires Burning) Secretary, (nee Brasier - no tittering at the back there!) has definitively announced that, if a separate Scotlandshire grants citizenship to Eastern European immigrant Zombies with a "deep suntan", then the rUK may decide that dual citizenship between rUK and Zombie Scotlandshire would be a bad thing.

This announcement will rapidly bring to an end this separatist nonsense - and brought to an end rapidly it must be, while we still have the May Queen in place. English tradition is that the May Queen reigns in glory while the sun shines, but as the nights draw in, her life (nowadays just her political life) is separated from her.

By Johnny Bossyman, Our Head of News

With the end of the Scottish Tory Party Conference, and the annual call for less tax and education vouchers, politics in Scotlandshire will take a back seat to following the English Cricket season.

However, we are pleased to announce that BBC Scotlandshire News will continue to provide a skeleton service from our skeleton staff over the political desert that is still described by the inappropriate term "Summer".

MSPs are in recess from 29 June to 1 September. MPs crawl back into the recesses of the sewers from 18 July to 2 September.

More importantly to BBC Scotlandshire senior staff and reporters, Eton College forces us to look after our children ourselves from 29 June to 4 September, and most of our readers will also be put in the uncomfortable position of having their children home from boarding school.

By Trebor Royal, Our Military Correspondent

Glasgow has been awarded the honour of being chosen as the focal point for the beginning of activities to mark the centenary of the start of the Great War.

The conflict, in which an entire generation was slaughtered, was fought to ensure that Britons, not Germans, would rule the rest of the world, thus removing the need for any future conflict.

This would be the ‘war to end all wars’ as no upstart would dare to challenge British superiority ever again.

Its outbreak has been deemed by U-KOK head Alastair Darling and Imperial Prime Minister David Cameron as an excellent time to re-create the patriotic British Imperial fervour of the time.

"Nothing is more important", said Cameron, "than my poncing around the world telling everybody what to do. Ensuring that the UK still exists as a single entity to rule the world tomorrow, as it does today is almost as important as my remaining Tory leader".

The lads show that they have moved with the times (the 1950s that is)

By Scurries Aboot, Our Rodent Correspondent 

Yet another massive blow hit the separatists as criticism mounts over the plague of rodents infesting the Scottish Parliament.  A growing problem since the Parliament building was opened; the pests have become a prolific menace under the current SNP administration of the pretendy wee Parliament. 

The mice of Holyrood have formally complained to the Presiding Officer about their home being overrun by disease ridden rodents at the same time as the First Minister has come under fresh pressure to explain his personal policy on nocturnal activities in a separate Scotlandshire.

A spokemouse, who’s heart was humming at 500 beats per minute while recollecting a recent scary encounter, told BBC Scotlandshire:  “Here was me going about my business when one of them swopped down from above,  a wee, sleekit, cowrin, tim'rous beastie. I was so surprised and O, what a panic's in thy breastie that a little pee came out!”

By Guy Zabung, Our Parliamentary Corresponden 

U-KOK head, Alistair Darling has emerged as hot favourite to become the next leader of the Scottish Conservatives, say top pundits 'Political Betting', who have given the ex-chancellor odds of 2/5 to succeed beleaguered Ruth Davidson as Scotlandshire's top Tory.

The other main contenders for the McTory leadership are Murrdurr Fraser MSP (evens), ex-minister for tweed Brian Wilson (10/2), SDL spokesbigot Ian Amsay Smart (7/1) and U-KIP top tit Niggle Farage (100/1).

Ms Davidson, niece of the acclaimed Labour MP Ian Davidson, is under increasing pressure to resign as Scots Tory leader following her refusal to confirm once and for all that no further powers will ever, ever, ever be devolved to the Scottish 'parliament' in Holyrood.

By Britt Fann, Our Scottish Tory Correspondent

In an astonishing interview with the Telegraph, Ian Davidson's niece and Chairchoob of the Tories in Scotlandshire Party admitted to adopting exotic positions in the hope of attracting attention.

"We have our tails up", she claimed of her geriatric party, though those constituency association leaders still breathing were sceptical that any of their members were capable of attaining the "Downward Dog" yoga position, though a few claimed to have happy memories of doing something similar in the woods at Unionist picnics in the 1940s.