By Roddy Dendrum, Our English Country Garden Correspondent

TV gardener, Alan Titchmarsh, says it's time to add more bullshit to the referendum garden.

Spurred by the success of his multiple careers as a gardener, novelist and chatshow host, Alan has become convinced that Scotlandshire shouldn't make any decisions about anything without heeding his advice.

Despite having been told by Tory Environment Minister, Owen Paterson, that he was "a muppet", for daring to criticise the lack of action by the Coalition to protect the verdant landscape of the English Shires, Titchmarsh is unrepentant.

"Time was when the Tory party was the party of the Shires and understood how the countryside works," he said at the launch of the 100th Chelsea Flower Show, commenting that the Tories seemed happier shovelling shit at Westminster than fertilising the homes of the English. Of course, since then the UK Government has ensured that many London homes have been fertilised by raw sewage during the floods.

By Mark Macommode, our Movie and Geriatric Care Reviewer

In this fourth instalment of the Duggy Dug series of animated black comedy political thriller movie epics, aimed at bringing a bit of colour and humour to the pretendy vote on separation, the anti-hero Duggy explains just why Scotlandshire will remain a member of the European Union contrary to clear statements by the deadly serious straight-man heroes of London.

As Duggy jokingly opines, Scotlandshire is already a member of the EU and a Yes vote will simply allow us to continue that membership and even become a member in our own right. How the audience at the Westminster premiere roared with laughter at this outrageously astonishing departure from reality.

However, the classy and sensitive London audience failed to appreciate the potty-mouthed outpourings present on the screen. Scotlandshire humour just doesn't travel internationally, not even to sophisticated and urbane cultural capitals of the world like London. This issue could have been so easily avoided if only the movie had been made in a proper British studio like Elstree where they have the skills and talent to work to internationally acceptable norms of farce.

By Mendaesh O'Skunt, Professor of Constitutional Affairs at Glasgow Albion University

Anyone resident in a separate Scotlandshire could be required to apply for an English passport and adopt former United Kingdom/English (fUK/Eng) citizenship, claims occasional Highland MP Danny Alexander.

Mr Alexander is First Secretary to the Treasury and a member of the ruling group of four UK ministers, who have recently laid claim to be the owners of the pound Sterling, and who are consequently known as “The Quid”.

The warning stems from a report produced by the independent think tank, the Conservative Organisation of British Bankers, Loansharks, Accountants and Stockbrokers, or COBBLAS which takes its evidence from a little-known clause in the EU treaties of accession.

By Gideon Goodluvvy, our Performing Arse Editor

A further devastating, and possibly fatal blow was dealt to Alex Salmond's splittist pretensions today as yet another US-based megastar called upon Scots to stay within the Union.

Following an earlier and totally cringe-free intervention by US actor John Barrowman, and a brief but heartfelt admonition to stay(by proxy) from New York's Alladin Sane, one of the most influential of current pop idols, Laddie Gagger, has released a video in which she explains why she will be voting an emphatic No in the upcoming referendum on separation.

The US megastar gives a myriad of positive reasons for sticking with the UK, including the continuation of competent governance by the British Conservative and Unionist government, the retention of the UK nuclear deterrent on the Clyde and chance to carry on supporting growth in the Capital by supplying the necessary capital investment through oil and gas revenues.

By Tinny Manny, Our Artificial Intelligence (AI) Correspondent

There was excitement in the world of robotics when a group of research students at the University of Sheffield led by Seamus MacDhòmhnaill , conclusively proved that the level of intelligence among humans such as Yorick Wilks, Professor of Artificial Intelligence at the University, and of journalists at Times Newspapers was demonstrably less than a Sinclair ZX81.

In a fascinating experiment, he extracted a point of total ignorance from Yorick’s brain, and communicated it to the wider world in a “Letter to the Times”. It was headed ‘How much of the North Sea oil would Scotlandshire get if the borders between the fields were drawn on international boundary principles?’ and read as follows -

By Rekka Barr, Our Posh People Correspondent

Following outrageous behaviour at a meeting in Portlethen last month by a group of drunken ex-students, which caused irreparable damage to the Union, Aberdeen Council is about to decide to bar them from all properties in future.

Alleged leader of the so-called “Cabinet Club”, Alex “Posh Boy” Salmond was defiant. “Seems it was OK for Cameron and his Bullingdon Club cronies to behave that way, just as it was for Teddy Taylor’s boy and the rich bastirts at St Andrew’s Uni in the Poona Club to do the same.

“Me and my mates were too poor back then, and didn’t have rich Daddies to pay for the damages. It’s our turn now! We’ve got all that lovely Block Grant to spend, so we can do what the fu*k we like! Portlethen was a pish place anyway.

”We go anywhere we want. We gatecrash anywhere we want. Did you see me at the Oscars?”

A film review by Nick Tate, our Blinking Lies and Flipping Scares Editor

A horror film released today by the U-KOK campaign for Scottish dependence demonstrates how effectively some Scots can be scared into submissiveness, given a diet of unrelenting FUD or Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt. And unrelenting FUD is the cornerstone of the U-KOK message and their +ve case for the Union.

This dramatic new video shows just how effective the Project Fear campaign has been in persuading both Labour councillors and members of Alistair Darling's family alike that Scots, among all the peoples of the world, are uniquely incapable of running their own affairs.

By Effie nan Blindin, the UHI's Jim Murphy Professor of Cybernat Abuse Condemnation (CAC)

Fears have been expressed that there will soon be no cash in Scotlandshire due to a sudden haemorrhaging of funds which began on the very day Standard Life announced their plans to abandon the country in the event of a splittist success.

This southern rush of moolah has been occasioned by a 'crowdfunding' effort by separatist blog, 'Winge over Scotland', which is operated by self-confessed cybernat and cult leader Stoo Campbell.

For several days, serious sums of Scottish spondooliks have been flowing from individuals all over the region towards an accommodation address in the English market town of Bath.

The contributors, known as 'Wingers', are all devotees of the 'Bathist party' headed by the Reverend Campbell and have been selling their earthly possessions in order to send the proceeds to the cult.

By Big Brian Taylor-Trash, our Political Editor and former Head of Bias.

Welcome to today's edition of First Minister's Questions. I see Labour's Johann LaMont has just been handed her script. So let's go straight to the debasing chamber and listen to the words of Pall Sink-Layer.

A transcript of today's session follows:

---TRANSCRIPT BEGINS---

PRESIDING OFFICER: Thank you. We now move to First Minister's Questions. Question number one, Johann LaMont.

JOHANN LAMONT: Thank you very much, Presiding Officer. To ask the First Minister what engagements he has planned for the rest of the day.

By Rite Whinger, Our 'Right On' Correspondent

"We will rule Scotlandshire when the toxic Natz dissolve into the Scotch mist, after the Empire triumphs in September", said new Scotch Toxic Tory Chairman, Richard Keen.

As Dean of the Faculty of Advocates, Keen follows a long tradition of lawyers proving that they are both superior to, and totally ignorant of, the common people.

Demonstrating a commendable lack of democratic accountability, Keen said that "he had decided to become Chairman". However, Keen seemed less than keen to endorse, support or make any positive comment about the Leader of the party at Holyrood.

He said: “I don’t want this to be taken the wrong way because it might be. Johann is improving all the time.

"You can’t become a leader overnight. It’s taken her a year to fit into the role.”

When gently reminded that Ruth Davidson was the Tory leader, while Johann La-Mont led Labour, Keen demurred.