Bringing you ludicrous, spurious and ill-conceived Scottish stories from Atlantic Quay.
Any similarity to other terminally biased national broadcasters is entirely unfortunate.

Well. That's it.

By Kenny McQuarrel, Our Newly Jobless Leader

Today, that bastirt Cameron has decided that regional BBC facilities are no longer required, now that London has absolute control.

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DECISION TIME

By Alastair Darling, Our Revered Leader

Remember! No voters cast their votes tomorrow not today!

Do you REALLY want all the important decisions taken here? By people YOU choose to put in there?

chamber.

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Proudscotbuts must say No to Separation

By Boris Johnson, the next Prime Minister of Scotlandshire

proudscotbutWith just over two weeks to go until the most important vote in Scolandshire's history, Proudscotbuts everywhere must gather themselves for one final push. Nothing less than the future of our country is at stake, and with it the fate of its Northernmost region that many of you call home, Scotlandshire.

As we know, this referendum is all about nationality. Proudscotbuts such as you love your country, your region and your families and consequently wish each of these to remain just as they are now. The Nationalists, fuelled as they are by Braveheart and Buckfast, care for none of these and wish only their destruction. What kind of people are they, who strive only to turn their own families into foreigners – the worst fate which could ever befall a true Proudscotbut.

Through a combination of guile and simple dishonesty, the Nationalists have managed to secure a pointless and divisive referendum on Separation. The date of this pitiable plebiscite is the 18th of September (or the 19th for No voters). Mark it in your diaries for tomorrow is the day of our final offensive. Yes, I understand you have all been as offensive as you can be throughout this campaign, but we must all now raise our level of offensiveness to new unexplored depths/heights.

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'Peter and Jane welcome Daddy home' : A modern Ladybird book for Tory children

By Tail Teller, Our Tory Children's Correspondent

daddy homeMost days, Daddy Cameron goes to the office.

When he comes home, he brings jam for Peter and Jane.

Peter and Jane live in a big house.

Mummy looks after them.

Mummy does no work.

Mummy likes gin.

Mummy likes lots of gin.

Daddy brings Mummy more gin.

Daddy gets the gin from a place he calls Scotlandshire.

Daddy says that he owns Scotlandshire and does not have to pay for the gin.

Mummy is happy.

Peter and Jane are happy.

The people in Scotlandshire are not happy.

"Fuck them", says Mummy.

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Dateline Scotland anchormen become the story

By Nick Robbursun-ya-Whore, Our backstabbing, lying and scheming reporter

In a final devastating blow to the nationalists, coming with only a day to go until AlecSammin is elected Scotlandshire dictator forever and ever, further shocking revelations have emerged about the talent fronting the BBC Scotlandshire commissioned “award winning” current affairs show “Dateline Scotland”.

These latest explosive revelations come just days after Ms Briony Laing of Dateline Scotland fame and George Deary of Better Together infamy caused hysteria amongst a devoted British public when they announced their secret wedlock to a world press pack.

Once again the positive case for the Union is broadcast live on the airwaves of Scotland and is proven beyond a reasonable doubt behind the scenes.

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Oil will 'run out completely in less than 18 months', warns Darling

By Ian Woodrow Port II, our Energy Correspondent

Darling-sadLabour's Alistair Darling has warned that UK oil will run out completely within 18 months if Scotlandshire votes to separate from the United Kingdom.

The one-time U-KOK head told reporters at a closed meeting in Gretna that 'the flow of oil will be turned off like a tap' within months of a Yes vote, leaving our country's finances in a terrible state.

"We know this to to to be true", he stuttered, "because it says so in a a a a secret document written by Finance Secretary John Swinney for his his his cabinet colleagues, which was never intended to to to be seen by the public.

"In his secret dossier, Scotland's Future, Swinney describes how all but a trickle of North Sea oil will be grabbed by Scotlandshire, by then a foreign country, with virtually none of it being left for for for for the UK."

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Daily Record rebrands as the Daily Onion

By Sark Chasm, Our Alternative Comedy Correspondent

the onionFew of our readers will have come across a publication called "The Onion". It is a strange American idea, in which fun is poked at politicians "by simply drawing attention to the inherent absurdity in some people taking themselves seriously".

This channel is no great fan of these foreign ideas of "comedy". Re-runs of sitcoms, set in nice, safe, English suburbia like "Terry and June" are much more our cup of tea.

However, this new style of humour has come to Scotlandshire. A declining tabloid has decided to rebrand itself in this new style, and we review it here.

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UK vow: Vote no and you’ll get more than anyone else! And we're fine with that!

By Pullmy Legg, Our Honesty Correspondent

greatThe leaders of the 3 main UK parties have today vowed - yes vowed not pledged!- that once Scotlandshire votes ‘NoBloodyThankYou!’ on Thursday, they will introduce a suite of new powers and benefits that will make Scots the envy of the rest of the UK.

And that is fine because, though this has not yet been put to the London Parliament that has yet to be elected next year, everyone in the rest of the UK is just fine with that!

The English are fine with it because they think the Scots are just great and deserve all the extra powers they could possibly want.

The Northern Irish think it is just great because they 100% favour home rule in a big way!

But nowhere is this all more popular than in Waleshire, where the Labour administration is tickled pink to be already cutting its health spending as part of austerity measures in order to see Scotlandshire getting a bigger slice per head of the funding cake than they do.

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And here's to you Mr Robinson. Jesus!

By Withered Vine, Our Fashion and Tittilating Tales Correspondent

bilkoThe Editor asked me to pop round to see Nick Robinson in his sick bed, and pass on the condolences of the channel on being publicly humiliated by Alecsammin. (He knows I like to visit men in bed.)

I was shocked to see how the poor man has changed so rapidly. "Slaphead", as he is frequently referred to down here in the Smoke or sometimes "the self-fellating Mr Nick Robinson of the BBC" is a broken man.

As he cried into my bosom (I do hate soggy bras!) he told me the whole terrible story.

"I had a deprived childhood", he started, so I settled down on the bed anticipating that he would fill me in, in as boring and repetitive way as most men do nowadays.

"My parents couldn't afford to send me even to a semi-decent school like Winchester, so I had to go a Direct Grant one. I became an instant Tory at the age of 8, when the Labour Government abolished that status, and the school fees rose, thus cutting my source of disposable income."

At this point I dozed off, though I vaguely remember him describing his rise through the Tory ranks. Actually, I've had more of the Tory ranks rising in me than he's had hot dinners.

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Blow for U-KOK as Queen wades into the debate

By Neil Low, Our Royal Correspondent

queenAt Crathie Kirk, Her Majesty spoke to an English visitor who was wishing her well, and delivered the following scripted message, in front of the invited Press audience.

"You have an important vote on Thursday. I hope everybody thinks very carefully about the referendum this week".

A delighted Yes campaign responded officially "Her Majesty is echoing the message from Yes Scotland to all voters - to think very carefully about this one opportunity that Scotland will have on Thursday to choose our future. Of course, Buckingham Palace has been at pains to stress that the Queen has no position on the independence referendum."

Unofficially he said, "Ya wee dancer! Get stuck intae thae Nay-sayers, Lizzie! The bastirts have spent the last two years trying to stop folk thinking about the issues with their fear mongering.

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All polls have been cancelled for the remainder of the campaign, as we can no longer control the voters - the bastirts!
 

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