Bringing you ludicrous, spurious and ill-conceived Scottish stories from Atlantic Quay.
Any similarity to other terminally biased national broadcasters is entirely unfortunate.

Betrayed! - CI5 minders turn on Britnat Labour MP

By Frenndly Fyre, Our Security Correspondent

professionalsShockwaves were reverberating through the BritEstablishment as the Special Branch minders assigned to NoBloodyThanks! tubthumper Jim Murphy tired of the lies and turned on him!

Normally, protection for politicians in Scotlandshire is provided by the Special Branch of Police Scotlandshire. However, Murphy and others on the side of righteousness and righteous indignation have demanded that cover be provided by Special Services Professionals from London.

"After the SNP Government made desperate efforts to protect police pensions in Scotlandshire", said Lauren Order, Crime Correspondent for the Times, "the police in Scotlandshire are just a quasi-military force of McAskill's."

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Cameron, Milliband and Clegg get a kick in the Clactons!

By Rulera Waives, Our English Political Correspondent (she's actually from Scotlandshire but, unlike Andrew Neil, she remembers that)

clactonWhile British Nationalist BNP are reduced to kicking women in the stomach in Glasgow, English Nationalist UKIP give a right good kicking to the British parties in Clacton.

Survation conducted a poll in the decaying English holiday resort of Clacton-On-Sea, whose Tory MP dramatically resigned from the British Tory party to join the (strangely named) (United Kingdom) English Independence Party, and vowed to fight a by-election to save the soul [1] of England.

Their results will strike fear into the Westminster Establishment - UKIP 64% (+64) CON 20% (-33) LAB 13% (-12) LD 2% (-11).

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Independent Scotland- a dangerous rogue state on the edge of Europe

By Furriners Suk, Our Diplomatic Correspondent

scotland-teenager"IS - or Independent Scotland - would be a danger to Europe" warned the rightful Premier of (some of) these islands, David Cameron last week.

Speaking from his Witney Houston constituency, he went on to say, "these extremists are an ugly stain of separatism seeping through the Union flag that must be dealt with now before they threaten the very fabric of all we hold dear."

But who are these Independent Scotlandshire extremists? Where are they based and what do they want? We sent BBC Scotlandshire intern, Scott Cringe, to track down one group in Fife.

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Cameron calls off Scottish speaking tour after CBI chief pelts him with carrot puree

By Whinin Dyne, Our Epicurean Correspondent

baby-flingerPrime Minister Cameron left the CBI dinner somewhat less resplendent than when he entered it, and vowed never to speak in Scotlandshire ever again.

An attack on him by CBI President Sir Muck Raker, left him spattered with Slow-cooked Beef Daube, Truffle Mash, Wild Mushrooms, Spinach and Carrot Puree. Raker had taken the opportunity to attack Cameron's stance on the Referendum, and punctuated each point by hurling parts of his main course at the PM.

Earlier, Jim Murphy MP had cancelled his speaking tour after being struck by an egg.

Police Scotlandshire said that they were concerned about this outbreak of food fighting, and had contacted both MPs to ask them to make a complaint, but had received no reply.

A spokescop said, "It's puzzling that Cameron has not asked us to investigate, though that may be down to having no clue about the law in Scotland. It's especially odd that the attacker was not just clearly identifiable, but also a personal friend of the victim.

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UK Minister in ‘no phones if you vote yes’ threat!

By Dialing Tòn, Our Telecommunications Correspondent

eck thumbsAfter his second mauling at the hands of the NoBloodyThanks! Campaign supremo Alistair Darling on Monday evening, Dictator Eck’s deranged dream of an independent Scotlandshire took another blow today.

UK Communications Minister Lord Hailer said: "In the event of Scotlandshire choosing to lose the Union, Scots will no longer be allowed to use the phone!"

Former Olympic fencer and all-England peanut stacking champion, Hailer was addressing a Country Land and Business Association’s ‘We own your Country’ Rally at his ancestral home Fukham Hall near Oxford.

The Rally was attended by an invited ticket only audience of those who own 50% of Scotlandshire.

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L-Team tour to Scotlandshire : The diary of a NO body

By Weerd Plaices, Our Travel and Tourism Correspondent

l teamFollowing our article on the L-Team's exciting offers of not only FREE, but PAID, tours to Scotlandshire, we are delighted to bring you an actual account, by an actual tour member, of an actual trip to Scotlandshire.

Shudder at some of the horrors endured. Thrill at the strange cultural differences experienced. Be in awe of the heroism of the L-Team's guides. Vow to leap at the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to visit an alien nation that is part of the UK (for it won't be for much longer).

Be enthralled by the experiences of Fladgett Entwhistle as he encounters the strange and wonderful universe that only the L-team experience.

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New Scotlandshire tours from the L-Team

By Weerd Plaices, Our Travel and Tourism Correspondent

l teamTired of the same old holiday destinations? Bored with Barcelona? Sick of Sri Lanka? Pissed off with Pisa? Now you can join a real adventure into dangerous territory with tour company Durham Labour.

In a new venture, Durham Labour Tours (DLT) have opened up exciting possibilities for Brits to venture into previously unknown territory, that was considered too dangerous to visit until recently.

The DLT marketing team have been working night and day to recover the brand since their recent submissive takeover by "Make Alba Tory PLC". It looks like they may just have succeed with the branding of the new frontline operations staff: "The L-Team".

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Chief Counting Officer announces dramatic change in voting arrangements

By Nadzieja Kwiatkowski, Our Polish [1] Correspondent

ballot boxScotlandshire's Chief Counting Officer, Ms Winding Way, has made a dramatic, but timely, change to the arrangements for the Independence Referendum next month.

"I am required by legislation", she announced, "to ensure that the arrangements for the referendum voting are utterly and transparently fair.

"My vision for the conduct of the referendum is that there should be no barriers to any voter taking part ; voters must have the same experience wherever they are in Scotlandshire ; the referendum will be administered efficiently; and the referendum will produce results that are accepted as accurate.

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Oil tycoon admits to "having addiction problem"

By Stairheid Coktale, Our Addiction Correspondent

siphoningAngry oil workers demonstrated last night outside the home of Sir Ian Wood demanding to know where the "9 billion barrels of oil" had gone. This followed Sir Ian's confession that he had "lost" 38% of Scotlandshire's oil which he had promised would give them jobs for life.

An embarassed Sir Ian finally admitted that he had drunk it. He said: "I really resent the accusations that I was lying in my recent statement on behalf of U-KOK. There were 24 billion barrels of oil when I said that back in February. It's also true that there are only 15 billion left now."

Addiction counsellor, Dr Giesa Fagg pleaded for understanding of an unfortunate who had lost his way.

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Pensioners warned 'giant space spiders' would follow Yes vote

By Linus Heedaf, Our U-KOK Scare Story Correspondent

spiders-from-marsYes Scotland has cried foul to the Electoral Commission after Better Together were accused of trying to scare senior citizens into voting No using tales of giant spiders.

The anti-independence 'Worse Apart' campaign was accused of telling pensioners a Yes vote will lead to the 'Worst of Both Worlds': that is, an invasion of giant spiders from Mars and no way on Earth to protect ourselves from them.

The easily frightened geriatrics have been told that only the Union and it's nuclear weapons are stopping hordes of spiders from crossing open space and attacking the people of Earth. They are being warned that a vote for Separation will be a green light for the greedy arachnid hordes to plunder our lovely planet, and that the favourite food of the eight-legged scroungers is live septuagenarian Scot - with chips.

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All polls have been cancelled for the remainder of the campaign, as we can no longer control the voters - the bastirts!


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