Bringing you ludicrous, spurious and ill-conceived Scottish stories from Atlantic Quay.
Any similarity to other terminally biased national broadcasters is entirely unfortunate.

Danny Alexander to offer Alex Salmond 'a square go' for Highland seat

By Warren Peese, our 'sports Jocks always lose' Correspondent

Alex-beakerIn a shock move, Treasury Minister and LibDem pin up ginger rodent, Danny Alexander, has challenged Alex Salmond to a square go.

The shock move came yesterday after Mr Alexander realised that, with Lib Dem support sinking lower than third-class acommodation in the Titanic, it would be impossible to hold on to his seat at Westminster in any form of democratic vote.

If accepted, it will mean that the normal democratic process is suspended for the Inverness, Nairn, Badenoch & Strathspey seat, and that a winner takes all prize fight at the local Highland Boxing Academy will decide the outcome.

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A Finicky Findlay finally tells it like it is

By Anne Drumar, our Token Professional Correspondent

Dr FindlayThe following is a transcript of an interview by Anne Drumar with Scottish Labour's branch manager hopeful, and renowned intellectual giant of the party, Dr Neil Findlay.

This is the second of a series of experimental interviews by Ms Dumar, who has been employed by BBC Scotlandshire in an attempt to combat a tiny number of accusations of BBC bias which have been levelled at the corporation by swivel-eyed separatist malcontents.

The BBC senior management wants to determine if the addition of a single balanced, neutral and (dare I say it) professional journalist will defuse future accusations of political partisanship. [Don't give the bloody game away! – ED]

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Scottish Government reveals new plans for Trident replacement

By Lars Hadron-Collider, our Nuclear Correspondent

gnatsIn one of his final acts as First Minister, outgoing premier Alex Salmond has announced his plans to replace the ageing Trident nuclear missile system.

At a press conference in Helenburgh, Mr Salmond revealed that the Scottish Government has developed plans to build a new weapon system, which will be installed before the next Scottish independence referendum, planned for 2017.

The First Minister said that the new system would be "fit to defend the nation against all current and future threats, rather than just those of the cold war."

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The Also-Ran Contenders

By Scrimping Cove-Rage, Our Partially Impartial correspondent

His Holiness and the Also-RansOver the last few days BBC Scotlandshire has come under severe and unwarranted criticism for being completely biased for the absolutely wonderful campaign of the Honourable Jim Murphy MP, the leader-in-waiting of the Scotlandshire branch office of Labour and the next First Minister of Scotlandshire.

Responding to this vile CyberNatz campaign against your totally fair and balanced state propagandist and one real true broadcaster of Scotlandshire, Director General Kenny McQuarrel roared: "The number of candidates standing against our choice is two to one against oor Jim.

"If anything that makes it two against one and the one is our man.

"And one of the also-rans has the backing of the archaic unions with all their brothers and sisters nonsense.

"How can that be biased in favour of his greatness Mr Murphy?"

To try to bring a little calm to the Natz section of the Interweb, this reporter has been instructed to write an article that is totally biased towards the other contenders, so here goes.

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It's political strife, Jim, but not as we know it.

By Anne Drumar, our Prevaricating Correspondent.


murph-bbcThe BBC are proud to be associated with the campaign to elect Jim Murphy to the position of leader of the Labour party branch office in Scotlandshire and our management are happy to endorse Mr Murphy's candidacy.

To this end, we gave him a unique platform on UK-wide TV this morning where he slagged off the SNP made a strong case for why he should be First Minister Branch Manager King of SLab Scottish Leader.

In particular, he explains why a man who spent 9 years studying at a Scottish university, before leaving without a degree, should be placed in charge of Scottish education.

[Hold on Anne, you're going right off message here. Get this crap taken down ASAP: ED]

The following is a transcript of part of the first take of this recorded interview (you surely don't think we'd risk going live with this) which was considered a little too honest revealing to broadcast:

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Jim runs to the rescue of ailing elite

By Broun Noesing, our Hagiography Correspondent

prohibition endJim Murphy is delighted to be entering the leadership contest for Branch Manager of the Labour in Scotlandshire outfit. Initial pre-selection rounds included synchronised avoidance and personal advancement prioritising tasks, which we are led to believe Jim excelled at.

Speaking of his announcement Mr Murphy said : "I'm delighted to be standing for First Minister... what do you mean I need to be an MSP... anyway, I am delighted to be here today representing the Left Wing politics of the Labour Party in this contest.

"I believe that Labour can show a different way of doing things, of working for the welfare of our constituents with an overall cap on the Welfare budget, a household benefit cap and a limit of two years to the time you can spend on the dole as part of our more caring Austerity package.

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Murdurr Fraser in bid to lead new 'Independent' Scottish Labour Party

By Eck Spence-Fiddler our Westminster Correspondent

murdurrIn a shocking new development, leading Conservative MSP Murdurr Fraser has become the first politician to announce his intention to stand for leadership of the Labour Party's branch office in Scotlandshire, a post left open by Johann La Mont's sudden resignation last Friday.

Fraser first came to the public attention when he contested the leadership of the Scottish Conservative party following the 2011 Scottish elections, standing on a platform of separating off the Scottish party from London to form a new independent right wing-party to be known as the Scottish Monetarist and Unionist Group (SMUG). He was narrowly defeated by current Tory head girl, Ruth Davidson.

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Johann La Mont resigns from Labour to join the SNP

By Munger O'Scairs, our Scottish Labour Correspondent

Curran-scowlIn her second shocking revelation this weekend, Ex-leader of Labour in Scotlandshire Johann La Mont has announced that she has today relinquished her Labour membership and applied to join the Scottish National Party.

Ms La Mont, who had been a Labour member and activist since her teens, resigned as Labour's Scottish "leader" on Friday, claiming her Westminster colleagues were "dinosaurs" who treated Scotlandshire like a "branch office".

Her exit from the Labour Party will be a further blow to Ed Miliband's hopes of forming the next Westminster government, and will only be compounded by her decision to apply for membership of the Nationalists. This is all the more galling as viewers with longer memories will recall that Ed 'gets' Scotlandshire.

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Patronising BT Lady II: You'll have had your serial

By Fahr Q. Yesurs, our U-KOK film reviewer.

fracking-iraquingOver the course of the past two years, BBC Scotlandshire has been consistent in promoting the benefits of this region remaining within the greatest political and economic union in the history of the world.

Throughout that time, our Nat opponents have ridiculed our version of a Better Together Britain, claiming only their side offered hope and prosperity to the people of Scotlandshire.

Now that the referendum has been won, and thoughts of Separation have been set aside for a generation, we celebrate how swiftly our vision of Greater England has begun to be realised.

BBC Scotlandshire is proud to present a new film, commissioned by us from the team which brought you the #PatronisingBTLady, Fibber and Kantz plc, and which shows how far our beloved region has come in just a single month.

We give you, Fracking & Iraquing.

Click here for video...


The missionary position papers of the three stooges fighting to be Wee Nippy Sweeties

By Libby Poppy-Gander, Our Shouting-From-The-Hip correspondent

Nicola waiting on her tea

The Scottish Nationalistic Party's plans for a new Deputy Leader were last night thrown into chaos when North British Labour leader Lady JoJo Lalamont highlighted the lack of any fish-related surnames among the candidates.

Dictator-in-waiting Nicola Sturgeon was said to be furious at this gaffe by the Nationalistics' HQ staff and promised heads would roll.

BBC Scotlandshire has been leaked the mission statements from the three candidates who're seeking to be the new deputy dictator of Scotlandshire.

Next month will see the SNP devotees selecting one of these power-hungry splittist monsters as Nicola Sturgeon's deputy party leader.

BBC Scotlandshire is proud to exclusively publish raw statements of the splittist politicians before the separatists’ Public Uninformation Bureau of External Splittism (PUBES) went to work sanitising the messages for mass consumption.

Loyal viewers are urged to review the sanitised versions of these statements to fully understand the effectiveness of the Natz propaganda machine - even the real true state broadcaster of Scotlandshire struggles to compete.

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Scotland has 59 MPs. Once Murphy is anointed as SLab leader he promises to "stop Labour losing". How good will his promise be?


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