Bringing you ludicrous, spurious and ill-conceived Scottish stories from Atlantic Quay.
Any similarity to other terminally biased national broadcasters is entirely unfortunate.
Scotlandshire in Union Burns Night invitation
By Amin Debretts Our nobility correspondent.
Dear British patriot,
I write to you today to invite you to the Scotland in Union "Burns Night" celebrations to be held in Hopeton House, West Lothian.
As Prime Minister Theresa May has said, Burns Night is part of the UK's enduring Union and we will be marking it this year with a celebration of all things British, just as Rabbie would have wished.
Franco goes to Holyrood
By Noam Passerand, Our Fascism correspondent.
A delegation from the Spanish government has given evidence to a Scottish government committee concerning the current situation in Catalonia, the BBC has learned.
The SNP government had originally requested that representatives of the Catalonian separatists should attend, in a thinly veiled attempt to stir up trouble in the region. However, Westminster officials interceded and substituted the Spanish delegates, explaining that all Catalonian seditionists had now been sacked and were hiding in Belgium to escape arrest on charges of rebellion, so would be unable to attend.
PM demands Sturgeon ‘must come clean’ on independence declaration
By Fonn N Yoon, our Holyrood Correspondent
Prime minister Theresa May has demanded that SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon ‘must come clean’ on whether she secretly declared independence in a coded message to supporters during her speech to the SNP party conference last week.
Unnoticed by ministers at the time, lexical analysis of the First Minister’s address to conference has shown what appears to be hidden messages in her text which can only be understood by independence supporters, similar to how Cherokee speakers were used to pass coded radio messages in WW2.
Scotland welcome to remain, says Federation of Planets
By Trip Hazard, our Space Travel Correspondent.
Following First Minister Nicola Sturgeon's unsanctioned meeting with EC negotiators last week, the European Commission has reiterated its view that Scotland would be welcome to remain within the EU after the UK leaves, but only if it becomes an independent country.
This news came a no surprise to EU watchers as Sturgeon's regular attempts to undermine the UK's negotiating position with Johnny European have made her increasingly popular in foreign parts.
However, On the same day as the Commission's unhelpful intervention, no less an organisation than the United Federation of Planets has stated that Scotland would also be welcome to apply for membership post-brexit.
Dozens turn down Toary cabinet posts as May strives to stay in power.
By Toar E Kant, Our Westminster correspondent.

Glasgow to declare independence following council election success
By Law B Doasser, Our Weegie correspondent.

EU president rejects Brexit application
By Jonny Uri-Piane, Our EU correspondent.
Donald Tusk, the president of the European Council, has told the UK government that the EU will not be taking part in the #Brexit negotiations, despite the UK government triggering of Article 50 last month.
The EU politician has rejected the plans outlined by the UK to negotiate their exit from the EU over the next 2 years, saying simply, "Maintenant ce n'est pas le moment."
BBC releases schedule for new Scottish channel
By R U Fekin-Kidenme, Our Scottishness correspondent.
BBC Scotlandshire management is proud to present the schedule for the new BBC evening channel in Scotland, which we have decided will be called BBC Scotland in honour of the spoof TV network on the opposite bank of the Clyde.
This channel has been created to provide the 'closest thing to federalism that is possible within the State Broadcaster', in line with the solemn vow made by the Daily Record in 2014. It will feature content which has been specifically created for Scottish viewers by Mentorn Productions Ltd. of Media City, Manchester.
Nats furious as Tories reveal Brexit means Full English Brexit.
By Brian Kellogg, Our cereal correspondent.
Scottish seperatists have expressed their anger over revelations made this weekend that Theresa May's government is planning to order the Full English Brexit.
The nationalists were particularly chippy following a remark by proud Scot Liam Fox who, when asked by The BBC's Anne Drumar what part Scoland would play in the Brexit negotiations, said: "We will be going for the full fat English Brexit with mugs of steaming tea and not a coffee or croissant in sight. The porridge munchers will just have to eat their cereal as always".
Fury as new Cybernat initiative targets our Great British Grannies!
By Yoonie Versalle, Our expert on everything Scotch.
Union lovers across Britain are incensed at the upcoming launch of a new Separatist website aimed at 'informing' pensioners in Scotlandshire.
The site, which aims to create nationalist propaganda for distribution to the aged and enfeebled, is due to launch, like some cybernat trident missile, immediately after Sunday's anti-union rally in Glasgow, the second city of our Empire.
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- Glasgow's 1966 celebrations ruined by Separatists
- Where's Willie?
- Union lovers enraged by Scot Gov’s new ‘Troll Tax’
- Tattler to issue clothing guide for top Tories
- It's 'Hands off' as top Tory negotiator simply can't be arsed any more.
- Revealed: Secret Scottish Labour plans to split party after Holyrood election
- Labour in Scotlandshire reveal their pre-election spending plans.
- Cameron “put private part into dead pig’s head” in bizarre ritual, book claims
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