By Hand O'Godot, Our Biblical Judgment Correspondent

SLAB Supremo, Jim Morphy enthusiastically welcomed the conclusions of an elite American University that God was about to visit a plague of darkness on Scotlandshire, unless dominatrix Sturgeon freed voters from slavery to the Nat cause.

Scientists at Cincinatti University's Neo-Theosophical Studies department have predicted that a great darkness will engulf Scotlandshire in less than three weeks.

Only if the Scotch are freed from their bondage and polls show a return to righteousness, with no damn lefteousness, can devastation be averted.

By Wirral Poole, Our Hot Tub Correspondent

A new threat to world security has arisen, as nationalist forces have seized control of the City of Bath and threaten to make it the capital of a New World Order.

Leader of the Bathist cult, Rev Stookam-Bell, already runs his own set of political parties - the Baathist parties in Syria and Iraq, the Clean Party in the USA, Grande Sud in Italy and TAP in Pakistan.

He also controls the Westminster Bubble (a coalition of Conservative, Labour and Lib Dem politicians in England) as well as the Soaking Naked Party (SNP) in his native Scotlandshire.

By Lotza Kashenit, our Energy Economics Correspondent

Scotlandshire must build new power stations if it wants to keep the lights on in the Home Counties beyond 2025, opposition leaders will warn today.

All three opposition parties in the Scottish parliament have insisted that new nuclear and gas-fired power plants must be built as the Southern UK has dropped below 3% energy resilience, leading to increased likelihood of both planned and unplanned power cuts.

All three party leaders will insist that Scotlandshire, which already exports a third of the power it generates to the South East of England, is the obvious place to site these new facilities.

By Brahn N. Velope, Our Corruption Correspondent

MSPs have been secretly filmed by BBC Scotlandshire asking questions of Ministers, HAVING BEEN PAID TO DO SO!

Shockingly, this has been going on since 1999, when Labour in Westminster graciously allowed the Scotch to have some say in their own affairs, but we are the first to bring this disgusting level of corruption to public attention.

Amazingly, these Financial Midden Quagmires (FMQs) take place in the open, and are not decently conducted "below the radar" as Westminster politicians sensibly do, to avoid public scandal.

Matters came to a head recently as Deputy Dawgdale departed from the long established convention of asking only one question (but three times over), and occasionally asked an entirely different question as well. Fellow MSPs were outraged.

"I'm outraged!" said veteran Tory MSP for Auchenshoogle North (and a bittie tae the East as weel), Hector McGlumph. "I've been here since 1999, and I haven't asked a single question since my first day, when I asked where to hand in my expenses chitty."

By Neil Down, Our Royal Correspondent

UKIP supporters were jubilant, as Her Majesty stuck two fingers up to grasping Nat MSP, Mark McDonald.

Candidates broke into a spontaneous version of the highly appropriate "Time Warp" as they heard the news. [1]

McDonald had relished the UKIP announcement that they were to put up candidates in (if not actually contest) all 59 Scotch constituencies, jeering "Good of UKIP to make a significant cash donation to Scotland by way of multiple lost deposits. Cheers guys."

UKIP leader, Niggle Forage, sent a triumphant message via superfast broad beaked carrier pigeon to his candidates in the Far North, having previously failed to communicate via the planned video link through being unable to connect the UKIP laptop to the venue's sounding system that had a foreign sounding brand name.

By Withered Vine, Our London Affairs Correspondent

"Labour are fuc*ed, shafted, bonked and screwed all over England", ran the flier in a Soho phonebox for a lecture.

Although I am more used to lechers than lectures, I had taken part in much of that myself and, intrigued that I might get a mention, went along. Sadly it was about the next election (and I had just misheard the word).

The theme was an article in something called "Labour Uncut" (the Gentile version, I presume).

"No matter the gains in England and Wales, the basic truth is clear; Miliband cannot become Prime Minister unless Labour, and by extension his arch-foe, 'Creepy' Jim Morphy, claws back hundreds of thousands of votes from the SNP."

My arithmetic isn't the best, but that seemed odd. Even if Labour had grabbed all 573 seats in England and Wales - something even I haven't managed to do - then Miliband still couldn't become PM?

What had happened to the FACT: The largest party will form the government?

But Westminster is strange. Could "party" mean something else? A powerful totem in the hands of Miliband's evil nemesis?

A man with such power I had to have! Creepy Jim - You are mine!

By David Torrents, our Variegated Jumper Correspondent

In a fiendish move, noted by her opponents as "seizing victory from the jaws of defeat", Ruth Davidson has accused the SNP of deliberately keeping the elderly alive.

"The Tory vote in Scotland is holding up... we are being kept alive, on life-support if you will, by the actions of the SNP in improving our NHS.

"Our 'grey brigade' is still going strong and may even have the momentum to ensure a return to Downing Street of our beloved PM David Cameron. And who do we have to thank for this... the SNP.

"This is a clear indication that they would like to have MORE Tory governments.

By Prof. Brain Cocks, our Science Correspondent

Attention has been focussed this week on the vanishing support of the Labour Party in Scotlandshire as several opinion polls and the reports of two scientific studies are released.

Four polls conducted separately by Populist, Memento MORI, You Guff and Serf Nation, each show the SNP heading for a huge majority of Scottish seats as the London-based parties fail to make any impact on their lead.

Prof John Poultice, the planet's only known psephologist, comments on his website Poultice Derides that the meteoric decline of the Labour vote in Scotlandshire is due to demographic factors, in that the average age of a SLab supporter is now 76.

By Guy Zago, our Video Games Correspondent

From Scottish Militant Ninja Turtle Studios, creators of 'SLAB: Left 4 Dead', comes Devolve, the next generation of multiplayer shooter where multiple brave Hunters face off against a single, player-controlled Dinosaur in adrenaline-pumping 20 vs 1 matches.

Play as the Dinosaur to use savage abilities and an animalistic sense to lie and defame your human enemies, or choose one of four Hunter classes (Canvasser, Leafletter, Turtle or Cybernat) and team up to take down the beast.

By Kent Yirfaither, Our Family Feud Correspondent

Retired Moray Depute Rector and SNP strategic genius, Jeff "Daddy" Dawgdale, was forced to admit that he had been outed as the real father of SLAB's attack dawg in the Scotch Parliament.

“Ok I'll come clean. I have been outed ! It's not the first time my Lab daughter has embarrassed me", he shamefacedly admitted on Twitter.

Recalling her teenage years, Dawgdale said: "I told her that the boy who took her flower would die horribly. Later, she said I had lied, but I explained that I just hadn't found him yet."

In a further revelation Ms Dawgdale said that Mr Dawgdale had voted Tory in his youth.