By Yoonie Versalle, Our expert on everything Scotch.

Union lovers across Britain are incensed at the upcoming launch of a new Separatist website aimed at 'informing' pensioners in Scotlandshire.

The site, which aims to create nationalist propaganda for distribution to the aged and enfeebled, is due to launch, like some cybernat trident missile, immediately after Sunday's anti-union rally in Glasgow, the second city of our Empire.

By Jon Inverdale BA MPOT, our Political Incorrectness Corespondent.

Thousands of England fans have gathered to celebrate their countryman Andy Murray following his success in the men's singles, where he won the gold medal for the second time. 

Indeed, Murray's first act after winning his match in four sets was to head over to a small band of England fans to thank them for their support - particularly since English supporters were officially barred from the Rio Olympics following the World Cup riots last month.

The group of fans in question had managed to gain entry to the final by disguising their true identity through wearing Scotland jerseys, Jimmy hats and Saltires while chanting 'mon Andy', 'molocate um' and 'yaise yer lob ya fuckin' nob'. (For some unfathomable reason, Scottish fans are welcome everywhere EXCEPT England).

By Sandy Mayall, our Scottish Politics Correspondent

On a wet and dismal Saturday afternoon, I was despatched to an obscure Glasgow gallery to cover the launch of Tommy Sheppard's campaign for deputy leader of the #SNPbad party, #Tommy4Depute.

Pointless exercise, I thought to myself. A complete waste of my precious Saturday drinking time. Who cares who becomes the deputy Nat-in-chief and, anyway, has anyobody even heard of Tommy Sheppard? He's a nobody.

But, after sitting through an hour of speeches and Q&As, and hearing the many shocked inhalations of my press corps colleages, I began to understand how wrong my initial thoughts had been.

Tommy Sheppard is, without a shadow of doubt, the most dangerous man in the UK.

And he must be stopped - right now - and at any cost. For the very existence of our beloved Britain is at stake!

By Prof. David Starkers OBE WAN KER, England's foremost hysterical broadcaster.

On this most historic of days, the fiftieth anniversary of my country's greatest ever sporting success in which we bested Germany for the third time (if you allow two world wars), I found myself north of the border in the once great imperial city of Glasgow.

Expecting little in the way of celebration from the surly Scotch, I was pleasantly surprised to hear of a parade being organised by the denizens of this dark and dismal town, and I determined to take part.

Consequently, I decided to undertake a short promenade along Glasgow's Great Western Road, stopping to peruse the many designer muesli outlets and beard-oil emporia which are its signature.

By Forrester Gumptionless, Our teaboy and Liberal Democrat correspondent

A nationwide search for Willie Rennie was sparked on Thursday evening when the Scottish Liberal Democrat leader failed to turn up for an election hustings event in Strathmiglo Village Hall.

The women’s anti-austerity group WAAAGH had organised the event and re-organised the event and changed things about on a number of other occasions to ensure Mr Rennie had no excuse for not attending.

Mr Rennie, who grew up in the small North East Fife village where his parents ran the local grocery shop, is standing to become the local constituency Member of the Scottish Parliament on the 5th of May.

For a fleeting moment one WAAAGH woman believed she had spotted Mr Rennie but it turned out to be an overly liberal plate of sausage rolls. He was replaced at the last moment by a tub of lard.

By Lee Gall-Hye, Cub Reporter, iScot magazine

Fans of the UK are furious as they fear they will be targeted by a new financial levy expected to be included in the SNP manifesto for May’s Holyrood election.

The new charge, which will be called the Offensive Internet Behaviour And Mendacity Surcharge (OI-BAMS), will be applied to users of social media who abuse other individuals or post wildly inaccurate information online, particularly in the form of misleading graphs.

Under the new law, colloquially known as the Troll Tax, anyone commenting on the online version of the Hootsmon newspaper or linking to a story in the Daily Record or Daily Mail, could find themselves facing penalties of many thousands of pounds. 

By Luke Atmatrooz, Our high fashion correspondent

Tattler magazine, the voice of the big swinging nobs of the English establishment, has announced they will be publishing a guide for senior Conservative politicians  to assist them in selecting the correct attire for every situation they are likely to meet.

The announcement follows the ‘dressing down’ given by the Prime Minister to the leader of the Opposition in Wednesday’s PMQ’s when the PM observed that his adversary’s question was unworthy of a response due to his ‘dressing down’.

By Chi Ting Kantz, our Westminister correspondent

With just days to go before the deadline for agreement of the Fiscal Framework, the UK government's chief negotiator has decided to go down the pub instead.

If the two governments fail to strike a deal by next Tuesday, there will be no time for the arrangements to be ratified by Holyrood before the May elections, making the future implementation of the new tax responsibilities, and their impact on the Scottish budget, uncertain.

By Slabben Cider, our Compliant Embedded Correspondent

The BBC can reveal that the Labour party in Scotlandshire has drawn up emergency plans to split the party in two if they fare as badly as predicted in the May elections for the Scottish Parliament.

On the basis of current polls, SLab is expected to lose all of its constituency MSPs to the #SNPBad and is set to reduce its number of list members as well. Some party managers fear that SLab may even lose their position as the main Holyrood opposition to Ruth Davidson's STory party.

The party's response will be to split the current Scottish branch into two separate parties.

By Dr Spin Freallie, our Political Correspondent,

The Leader of the Labour Party's most northerly branch office, Kezia Dug-Dale, has revealed her sub-party's spending plans for May's Holyrood election in a speech given this evening to a packed house in Harthill Rangers Club.

The headline pledges, as have been thouroughly trailed beforehand - not least on hourly broadcasts on this channel, were met with warm appalause from two thirds of the audience, both of whom had come along specifically to get out of the cold.