By Nemo Flounder, Our Fishy Brexit correspondent.

The normally quiet seaside town of St Andrews faced an existential crisis earlier today when local residents witnessed a young woman, who was brought up in an Ayrshire council scheme, stepping out of a Scottish Government ministerial vehicle. Confusion reigned for two hours, sending posh residents into a frenzied grab for their comforter copies of Tattler and Town and Country.

Police Scotlandshire confirmed an influx of calls from concerned residents reporting a possible stolen vehicle being dumped in the East Sands area of St Andrews.

By Nobile Officium, our court reporter.

 The BBC has learned that nationalist MP Joanna Cherry QC is planning to raise a private prosecution against Prime Minster Boris Johnson.

It is understood Ms Cherry will allege that the PM is guilty of the crime of High Treason by virtue of his having unlawfully requested Her Britannic Majesty the Queen to prorogue parliament and having, consequently, lied to the crown.

By John T Angle of the Press Association.

The BBC has refused to apologise after being accused of closing down separation supporting fundraisers last week.

Two community barbecues which had been organised to raise funds for the upcoming campaign for the breakup of the United Kingdom (Indyref2) were cancelled following interventions by lawyers working for the BBC in London.

By Amin Debretts Our nobility correspondent.

Dear British patriot,

I write to you today to invite you to the Scotland in Union "Burns Night" celebrations to be held in Hopeton House, West Lothian.

As Prime Minister Theresa May has said, Burns Night is part of the UK's enduring Union and we will be marking it this year with a celebration of all things British, just as Rabbie would have wished.

By Noam Passerand, Our Fascism correspondent.

A delegation from the Spanish government has given evidence to a Scottish government committee concerning the current situation in Catalonia, the BBC has learned.

The SNP government had originally requested that representatives of the Catalonian separatists should attend, in a thinly veiled attempt to stir up trouble in the region. However, Westminster officials interceded and substituted the Spanish delegates, explaining that all Catalonian seditionists had now been sacked and were hiding in Belgium to escape arrest on charges of rebellion, so would be unable to attend.

By Fonn N Yoon, our Holyrood Correspondent

Prime minister Theresa May has demanded that SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon ‘must come clean’ on whether she secretly declared independence in a coded message to supporters during her speech to the SNP party conference last week.

Unnoticed by ministers at the time, lexical analysis of the First Minister’s address to conference has shown what appears to be hidden messages in her text which can only be understood by independence supporters, similar to how Cherokee speakers were used to pass coded radio messages in WW2.

By Trip Hazard, our  Space Travel Correspondent.

Following First Minister Nicola Sturgeon's unsanctioned meeting with EC negotiators last week, the European Commission has reiterated its view that Scotland would be welcome to remain within the EU after the UK leaves, but only if it becomes an independent country.

This news came a no surprise to EU watchers as Sturgeon's regular attempts to undermine the UK's negotiating position with Johnny European have made her increasingly popular in foreign parts.

However, On the same day as the Commission's unhelpful intervention, no less an organisation than the United Federation of Planets has stated that Scotland would also be welcome to apply for membership post-brexit.

By  Toar E Kant, Our Westminster correspondent.

 

 By  Law B Doasser, Our Weegie correspondent.

 

By Jonny Uri-Piane, Our EU correspondent.

Donald Tusk, the president of the European Council, has told the UK government that the EU will not be taking part in the #Brexit negotiations, despite the UK government triggering of Article 50 last month.

The EU politician has rejected the plans outlined by the UK to negotiate their exit from the EU over the next 2 years, saying simply, "Maintenant ce n'est pas le moment."