By  Toar E Kant, Our Westminster correspondent.

 

 By  Law B Doasser, Our Weegie correspondent.

 

By Jonny Uri-Piane, Our EU correspondent.

Donald Tusk, the president of the European Council, has told the UK government that the EU will not be taking part in the #Brexit negotiations, despite the UK government triggering of Article 50 last month.

The EU politician has rejected the plans outlined by the UK to negotiate their exit from the EU over the next 2 years, saying simply, "Maintenant ce n'est pas le moment."

By R U Fekin-Kidenme, Our Scottishness correspondent.

BBC Scotlandshire management is proud to present the schedule for the new BBC evening channel in Scotland, which we have decided will be called BBC Scotland in honour of the spoof TV network on the opposite bank of the Clyde.

This channel has been created to provide the 'closest thing to federalism that is possible within the State Broadcaster', in line with the solemn vow made by the Daily Record in 2014. It will feature content which has been specifically created for Scottish viewers by Mentorn Productions Ltd. of Media City, Manchester.

By Brian Kellogg, Our cereal correspondent.

Scottish seperatists have expressed their anger over revelations made this weekend that Theresa May's government is planning to order the Full English Brexit.

The nationalists were particularly chippy following a remark by proud Scot Liam Fox who, when asked by The BBC's Anne Drumar what part Scoland would play in the Brexit negotiations, said: "We will be going for the full fat English Brexit with mugs of steaming tea and not a coffee or croissant in sight. The porridge munchers will just have to eat their cereal as always".

By Yoonie Versalle, Our expert on everything Scotch.

Union lovers across Britain are incensed at the upcoming launch of a new Separatist website aimed at 'informing' pensioners in Scotlandshire.

The site, which aims to create nationalist propaganda for distribution to the aged and enfeebled, is due to launch, like some cybernat trident missile, immediately after Sunday's anti-union rally in Glasgow, the second city of our Empire.

By Jon Inverdale BA MPOT, our Political Incorrectness Corespondent.

Thousands of England fans have gathered to celebrate their countryman Andy Murray following his success in the men's singles, where he won the gold medal for the second time. 

Indeed, Murray's first act after winning his match in four sets was to head over to a small band of England fans to thank them for their support - particularly since English supporters were officially barred from the Rio Olympics following the World Cup riots last month.

The group of fans in question had managed to gain entry to the final by disguising their true identity through wearing Scotland jerseys, Jimmy hats and Saltires while chanting 'mon Andy', 'molocate um' and 'yaise yer lob ya fuckin' nob'. (For some unfathomable reason, Scottish fans are welcome everywhere EXCEPT England).

By Sandy Mayall, our Scottish Politics Correspondent

On a wet and dismal Saturday afternoon, I was despatched to an obscure Glasgow gallery to cover the launch of Tommy Sheppard's campaign for deputy leader of the #SNPbad party, #Tommy4Depute.

Pointless exercise, I thought to myself. A complete waste of my precious Saturday drinking time. Who cares who becomes the deputy Nat-in-chief and, anyway, has anyobody even heard of Tommy Sheppard? He's a nobody.

But, after sitting through an hour of speeches and Q&As, and hearing the many shocked inhalations of my press corps colleages, I began to understand how wrong my initial thoughts had been.

Tommy Sheppard is, without a shadow of doubt, the most dangerous man in the UK.

And he must be stopped - right now - and at any cost. For the very existence of our beloved Britain is at stake!

By Prof. David Starkers OBE WAN KER, England's foremost hysterical broadcaster.

On this most historic of days, the fiftieth anniversary of my country's greatest ever sporting success in which we bested Germany for the third time (if you allow two world wars), I found myself north of the border in the once great imperial city of Glasgow.

Expecting little in the way of celebration from the surly Scotch, I was pleasantly surprised to hear of a parade being organised by the denizens of this dark and dismal town, and I determined to take part.

Consequently, I decided to undertake a short promenade along Glasgow's Great Western Road, stopping to peruse the many designer muesli outlets and beard-oil emporia which are its signature.

By Forrester Gumptionless, Our teaboy and Liberal Democrat correspondent

A nationwide search for Willie Rennie was sparked on Thursday evening when the Scottish Liberal Democrat leader failed to turn up for an election hustings event in Strathmiglo Village Hall.

The women’s anti-austerity group WAAAGH had organised the event and re-organised the event and changed things about on a number of other occasions to ensure Mr Rennie had no excuse for not attending.

Mr Rennie, who grew up in the small North East Fife village where his parents ran the local grocery shop, is standing to become the local constituency Member of the Scottish Parliament on the 5th of May.

For a fleeting moment one WAAAGH woman believed she had spotted Mr Rennie but it turned out to be an overly liberal plate of sausage rolls. He was replaced at the last moment by a tub of lard.