by Loopy Lou née Choons, our harebrained scheme correspondent

Rory Stewart is the Conservative MP for Penrith and The Border. He passionately wishes Scotland to stay within his (and our) beloved Union and is willing to go to extraordinary lengths to achieve his dreams.

Earlier this year, Rory made a wonderful BBC documentary in which he successfully demonstrated that large areas of Scotlandshire do not even exist.

The Borders area, he argues, was once some kind of 'middle land', known historically as Rorytania, and thus was never part of either Scotlandshire or England. This proves, claims Rory, that we must all just forget about this rather unpleasant separation nonsense and simply be nice to one another instead.

By Commie Poser, Our drugged up club music correspondent

Better Together has today proposed a new regional anthem for Scotlandshire that will be introduced after the vile Natz are crushed in the forthcoming splittist referendum.

The new anthem has been composed and written by Lord Barrowman of Naetalent, the world famous entertainment legend and NO supporter.

Renowned colourist Jilly Blackwood has acclaimed the anthem as the finest colourful tune ever written.

The catchy anthem will certainly sum up the mood of Scotlandshire and will be aired on the few occasions when "Jerusalem" and "God Save the Queen" may not be appropriate.

by Lye N Kant, our Lib Dem Promises Correspondent

Senior figures in the Liberal Democratic party have today announced a U-turn on their policy of opposition to Independence and have apologised to the people of Scotlandshire for their previous stance.

In their most astonishing policy reversal of the week, Lib Dem 'leaders' have said that their election manifesto for 2015 will be very much pro indy, and that they may even change their position before September's vote, but only under certain conditions.

by Bluddin Sawyil, our Natfinder General

Republished by kind permission of Lallands Peat Worrier

Nigel is a passionate Highlander. He likes current affairs. He follows politics. He cares deeply about the outcome of the referendum. As good luck would have it, he discovers that Britain's flagship current affairs show is coming to his home town. Now's the moment, he thinks, to take my case for independence to the British people. Here's the ideal stage, to make my heartfelt case for the United Kingdom to change utterly.

Sitting quietly in the draughty hall as the first few questions are asked and answered, he waggles his hand with increasing urgency, bursting to speak, desperate to catch Dimblebumble's wandering gaze. At last, the ancient compère's eye alights upon him. "You sir," he says. Nigel's gorge rises. His heart pumps, eyes dazzle. At last, he finds his voice, uncertain at first, but then growing in vigour and conviction. He speaks:

by Kant Feech-Erse, our London Fashion Correspondent

Alex Salmond's plans for the sundering of Great Britain were dealt a fatal setback today as it was revealed that members of UKOK were behind the design of the new uniforms for the opening ceremony of the Commonwealth Games.

This shocking revelation was made in a tweet from a shadowy pro-union Cybertwat group calling itself 'the Empire types back!'

This was the group, we now know, who were responsible for the 'abusive' tweets aimed at Harry Potter author JK Rowling, when they mistakenly believed she had bankrolled the Yes campaign and labelled project fear as dementors. Following a forensic examination of their spelling, Police Scotlandshire have discovered the group are members of the Pollock[sic] Orange Order.

By G I Tract, our Pile of Useless Shite Correspondent

At a UKOK rally in front of an audience of more than 15 million loyal Scots voters, each of whom had turned up spontaneously, and in the presence of the Queen and Duke of Edinburgh, Prime Minister David Cameron announced today that the Royal Navy's newest warship is to be donated to Glasgow City Council.

The move follows the general disinterest which had greeted the earlier announcement that £500 million would be diverted from the Scottish block grant to fund the refurbishment of the George Square underground bunker complex, which currently houses the headquarters of the Scottish[sic] Labour Party.

The UK's largest warship, which was launched on American Separation Day, will be moved from Rosyth to it's permanent moorings at BBC Scotlandshire's own Pacific Quay where it will be used as a floating foodbank.

By Mary Hill Ovareton, Our Office Bike reporter

The only Scottish UKIP MEP is under mounting pressure to resign following the accusation that he may have fathered a secret love child in the 70's. Normally such an announcement would see the politician elevated into a position of power or be given a Lordship, but this barsteward seed of Satan has grown into the lowly embarassing position of a Royal Mail postie who is actively peddling splittist propaganda aimed squarely at tearing apart our wonderful Empire.

David Co**burn MEP was chosen by the Scottish people in an act of defiance that prevented any of the separatist parties, especially Salmond’s Natz, from gaining the moral high ground in the European Union separation referendum argument. His election proved beyond any doubt that the people of North North Britain hate foreigners just as much as the rest of the UK and would themselves abhor becoming foreigners within an independent Scotlandshire.

However the electorate may have been less favourable to a possible philanderer being in office if they knew his alleged son was the “Indy Cyclist” Mark Coburn.

By Flowrancid Mightygail, Our Salmond Youth correspondent

Scottish Labour’s health spokesperson has today warned that separation from the protective umbrella of the United Kingdom will see the reintroduction of nit nurses in schools north of the border and may result in draconian border quarantine measures to prevent Scotlandshire headlice infecting the rest of the UK.

Neil Findlay MSP commented: “Alex Salmond and the YES nationalists cannot protect Scotlandshire from the every present threat of headlice.

“Under devolution we have managed to rid our schools of nit nurses but they may have to be reintroduced in a separate Scotlandshire to deal with a potential new louse plague of biblical proportions.

“I’ve spoken to Jackie ‘Honesty’ Baillie about other possible health threats that may surface after a YES vote. She was quick to point out that the eradication of Smallpox from Scotlandshire happened under the Union but this disease might magically reappear and start to infect the people of a separate Scotlandshire.

“Say No Thanks to Nit Nurses! Say No Thanks to Smallpox! Say No Thanks to eternal Salmond rule!”

By Terry Istplant, Our Cybernatz and Secret Service reporter

Armed officers from Police Scotlandshire were put on high alert after a small amount of intelligence suggested crazed Cybernatz were about to mount a dirty protest against the national state broadcaster.

Staff at BBC Scotlandshire were told to work from home on Sunday until the splittist menace had been defused.

However these drastic measures turned out to be wholly unnecessary when only a handful of dishevelled keyboard Natz turned up to protest outside the Atlantic Quay headquarters of BBC Scotlandshire.

By Sylv D Strukt, our Divisive Squabbling Correspondent

No Thanks campaigners say they are delighted by a new poll which shows them 3 points higher than last month, reversing the recent momentum of the Separatist Yes Scotlandshire movement.

The poll was conducted by Unionists Guessing Union Fan's Fevour (UGUFF) and commissioned by the independent think tank, the University of the Thames in Reading -Britons Opposed to Letting Loose an Independent Kingdom of Scotlandshire (UTR-BOLLIKS). It shows that the Project Fear lead in the opinion polls has risen from 2 to 5 percentage points in recent weeks.