Bringing you ludicrous, spurious and ill-conceived Scottish stories from Atlantic Quay.
Any similarity to other terminally biased national broadcasters is entirely unfortunate.
Revealed: Secret Scottish Labour plans to split party after Holyrood election
By Slabben Cider, our Compliant Embedded Correspondent
The BBC can reveal that the Labour party in Scotlandshire has drawn up emergency plans to split the party in two if they fare as badly as predicted in the May elections for the Scottish Parliament.
On the basis of current polls, SLab is expected to lose all of its constituency MSPs to the #SNPBad and is set to reduce its number of list members as well. Some party managers fear that SLab may even lose their position as the main Holyrood opposition to Ruth Davidson's STory party.
The party's response will be to split the current Scottish branch into two separate parties.
Labour in Scotlandshire reveal their pre-election spending plans.
By Dr Spin Freallie, our Political Correspondent,
The Leader of the Labour Party's most northerly branch office, Kezia Dug-Dale, has revealed her sub-party's spending plans for May's Holyrood election in a speech given this evening to a packed house in Harthill Rangers Club.
The headline pledges, as have been thouroughly trailed beforehand - not least on hourly broadcasts on this channel, were met with warm appalause from two thirds of the audience, both of whom had come along specifically to get out of the cold.
Cameron “put private part into dead pig’s head” in bizarre ritual, book claims
By Richard Trotter, our Chief Bestiality Correspondent
An unofficial biography of David Cameron written by the former Conservative donor Lord Ashcroft has made a series of claims about his involvement in a drug-taking environment at university.
According to the biography, an MP claims to have seen photographic evidence that Cameron put a “private part of his anatomy” into a dead pig’s head as part of a dining club initiation ritual.
The MP told the authors Cameron attended a dining club called Piers Gaveston, known for its debauchery and named after the lover of Edward II, as well as being part of the Bullingdon drinking club, which was notorious for trashing rooms.
The rise and fall of Jeremy Corbyn: SNP to blame claims Labour 'insider'
By Lord Lyon Cnut, our Labour Spin Correspondent (well, one of them)
As arch-lefty Jeremy Corbyn surges ahead in the London Labour leadership contest, party managers are preparing to delegitimise his victory while preparing the ground to blame the SNP, an insider has revealed.
An unnamed Labour politician, who says he is speaking to the BBC because he is unhappy at having been sacked as leader in Scotland following the near wipeout of his party, has told the BBC that plans are in place for MPs to stage a coup if Mr Corbyn is elected leader in August.
The group of influential MPs will claim that Corbyn's popularity is illegitimate as it is mainly due to non-Labour supporters taking advantage of the 'pay for a say' promotion which was introduced as part of the one member one vote changes which replaced Labour's electoral college.
If I lose I'll join the SNP, warns Corbyn
By Nigel T Ranter, our Westminster Bubble Correspondent
Labour leadership hopeful Jeremy Corbyn has told the BBC that, if he fails to become leader of his party, he will consider resigning from Labour and joining the SNP.
Currently the front runner in the leadership contest, there have been rumours within the UK Labour party of a plot by Blairite MPs to dethrone him should he top the poll in August. There have also been calls to curtail the leadership contest if he looks likely to win the vote.
He told this reporter: "I hope the parliamentary party can find it within itself to return to Labour's traditional values before it disappears altogether like the Lib Dems. The membership gets that, the unions get that, but I fear the majority of the Labour establishment may be already lost to us.
Better Together II: 3 blackwhite goodthinkers vs 1 plusleft unperson
By Telit Lycadiz, Our Guest Cybernat Political Correspondent
The recent General Election campaign and the subsequent Labour leadership hustings have proven that, for some politicians at least, what they say bears no relation whatever to what they think and what they do.
Not since the publication of George Orwell's masterpiece 1984 has there been such an attempt to distort the very meaning of language by the political classes.
For example, in his first truly Tory budget, blue in tooth and claw, George Osborne added a few pence to the minimum wage and called it the National Living wage – something which already exists and looks nothing like his new and unimproved version.
But perhaps that was simply a wee mistake brought about by the overinhalation of white powders from the naked bodies of sex workers, or what is now known in the House of Lords as the Sewel Principle.
Reviewed: Labour unveils its new colours
By Fleg Waiver, our Perfidious Unionist Correspondent
As it prepares for it's latest leadership election, the UK Labour party has unveiled its new branding under which it will fight the 2020 general election.
Gone is the white rose of England on its field of socialist red. Gone too is the word Labour from the party's title.
And consigned to history are words such as socialist, progressive and class war.
Along with dozens of similar terms, these have been banned from the party's lexicon in case they upset Tory voters who might be persuaded to support a slightly less aggressive version of their own party.
Skittery Cameron abandons key English bill as SNP threaten to vote it down
By Kidd E Fidlur, our Westminster Affairs Correspondent
Plans for English Votes on English Laws are in turmoil today as another high profile bill with no obvious impact on Scotland has been abandoned by the Conservative government after SNP MPs threatened to vote it down in the House of Commons.
The policy U-turn by the SNP, who traditionally do not vote on English-only issues, was described by one party source as "Just a wee reminder to the Tories that we're all still here."
The Venerable Gentleman's Grooming (England & Wales) Bill had been intended to retrospectively decriminalise all cases of historic child abuse perpetrated by certain groups of people, including MPs, peers & other aristocrats and high profile employees of the BBC.
A government spokespederast told the BBC he could not understand why the SNP would choose to veto such a bill.
SNP MPs to face privatisation, vows Cameron
By Major Colon Isst, our Resident EVAL Correspondent
All 56 SNP members of parliament are to be sold by online auction as part of the Conservative government's plans for English Votes for English Laws, it has been revealed.
Government ministers say that planned changes to the parliament's standing orders mean the Scottish MPs now serve no useful purpose in the Westminster parliament and will be privatised as a cost cutting measure.
We spoke to Sir Scott Frie-Fiddler MP, a member of the committee which proposed the new rules, and asked him why they now consider the Scotch MPs to be supernumerary.
"It emerged when we were looking at how best to man the Scotland office," he told us. "We noticed that we could run Scotlandshire quite effectively with just one Tory MP and an assistant.
It has to be 'joabs fur the boays', says MacIntosh
By Kezia (deputy) Dugdale MSP, Our Petty Revenge SpokesWummin
BBC Scotlandshire has been given a copy of a second job application for the post of Regional Manager of London Labour's northernmost branch office.
The person who leaked this document did not do so in retalliation for her own application appearing on the BBC last week. Absolutely Not! Honestly.
In fact, this channel can now reveal that the 'varmint' who leaked the document called himself Musky, but is believed to actually be diminutive Labour MSP Richard Baker, who also starred in several episodes of the X Files (and not in a good way).
- Twitter crimez of the evil Cybernatz exposed!
- A little application goes a long way
- Labour politicians say Glasgow rally was 'full of bloody lefties'
- Civil War breaks out amongst the Cybernats
- New charity launched to help Daily Mail sufferers
- "I was right about Sturgeon", claims Carmichael as second memo is leaked to BBC
- Scot Nat MP forced to apologise over 'joke' about killing English Soldiers
- Orangemen are 'a race apart' claims Supreme Salamander of Scotlandshire
- The Secret Diaries of A Mole (aged like a blue cheese – phew)
- Salmond slams Trident safety concerns
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