Bringing you ludicrous, spurious and ill-conceived Scottish stories from Atlantic Quay.
Any similarity to other terminally biased national broadcasters is entirely unfortunate.
English fans celebrate flag-bearer Murray's second gold
By Jon Inverdale BA MPOT, our Political Incorrectness Corespondent.
Thousands of England fans have gathered to celebrate their countryman Andy Murray following his success in the men's singles, where he won the gold medal for the second time.
Indeed, Murray's first act after winning his match in four sets was to head over to a small band of England fans to thank them for their support - particularly since English supporters were officially barred from the Rio Olympics following the World Cup riots last month.
The group of fans in question had managed to gain entry to the final by disguising their true identity through wearing Scotland jerseys, Jimmy hats and Saltires while chanting 'mon Andy', 'molocate um' and 'yaise yer lob ya fuckin' nob'. (For some unfathomable reason, Scottish fans are welcome everywhere EXCEPT England).
Is this the most dangerous man in Britain?
By Sandy Mayall, our Scottish Politics Correspondent
Pointless exercise, I thought to myself. A complete waste of my precious Saturday drinking time. Who cares who becomes the deputy Nat-in-chief and, anyway, has anyobody even heard of Tommy Sheppard? He's a nobody.
But, after sitting through an hour of speeches and Q&As, and hearing the many shocked inhalations of my press corps colleages, I began to understand how wrong my initial thoughts had been.
Tommy Sheppard is, without a shadow of doubt, the most dangerous man in the UK.
And he must be stopped - right now - and at any cost. For the very existence of our beloved Britain is at stake!
Glasgow's 1966 celebrations ruined by Separatists
By Prof. David Starkers OBE WAN KER, England's foremost hysterical broadcaster.
On this most historic of days, the fiftieth anniversary of my country's greatest ever sporting success in which we bested Germany for the third time (if you allow two world wars), I found myself north of the border in the once great imperial city of Glasgow.
Expecting little in the way of celebration from the surly Scotch, I was pleasantly surprised to hear of a parade being organised by the denizens of this dark and dismal town, and I determined to take part.
Consequently, I decided to undertake a short promenade along Glasgow's Great Western Road, stopping to peruse the many designer muesli outlets and beard-oil emporia which are its signature.
By Forrester Gumptionless, Our teaboy and Liberal Democrat correspondent
A nationwide search for Willie Rennie was sparked on Thursday evening when the Scottish Liberal Democrat leader failed to turn up for an election hustings event in Strathmiglo Village Hall.
The women’s anti-austerity group WAAAGH had organised the event and re-organised the event and changed things about on a number of other occasions to ensure Mr Rennie had no excuse for not attending.
Mr Rennie, who grew up in the small North East Fife village where his parents ran the local grocery shop, is standing to become the local constituency Member of the Scottish Parliament on the 5th of May.
For a fleeting moment one WAAAGH woman believed she had spotted Mr Rennie but it turned out to be an overly liberal plate of sausage rolls. He was replaced at the last moment by a tub of lard.
Union lovers enraged by Scot Gov’s new ‘Troll Tax’
By Lee Gall-Hye, Cub Reporter, iScot magazine
Fans of the UK are furious as they fear they will be targeted by a new financial levy expected to be included in the SNP manifesto for May’s Holyrood election.
The new charge, which will be called the Offensive Internet Behaviour And Mendacity Surcharge (OI-BAMS), will be applied to users of social media who abuse other individuals or post wildly inaccurate information online, particularly in the form of misleading graphs.
Under the new law, colloquially known as the Troll Tax, anyone commenting on the online version of the Hootsmon newspaper or linking to a story in the Daily Record or Daily Mail, could find themselves facing penalties of many thousands of pounds.
Tattler to issue clothing guide for top Tories
By Luke Atmatrooz, Our high fashion correspondent
Tattler magazine, the voice of the big swinging nobs of the English establishment, has announced they will be publishing a guide for senior Conservative politicians to assist them in selecting the correct attire for every situation they are likely to meet.
The announcement follows the ‘dressing down’ given by the Prime Minister to the leader of the Opposition in Wednesday’s PMQ’s when the PM observed that his adversary’s question was unworthy of a response due to his ‘dressing down’.
It's 'Hands off' as top Tory negotiator simply can't be arsed any more.
By Chi Ting Kantz, our Westminister correspondent
With just days to go before the deadline for agreement of the Fiscal Framework, the UK government's chief negotiator has decided to go down the pub instead.
If the two governments fail to strike a deal by next Tuesday, there will be no time for the arrangements to be ratified by Holyrood before the May elections, making the future implementation of the new tax responsibilities, and their impact on the Scottish budget, uncertain.
Revealed: Secret Scottish Labour plans to split party after Holyrood election
By Slabben Cider, our Compliant Embedded Correspondent
The BBC can reveal that the Labour party in Scotlandshire has drawn up emergency plans to split the party in two if they fare as badly as predicted in the May elections for the Scottish Parliament.
On the basis of current polls, SLab is expected to lose all of its constituency MSPs to the #SNPBad and is set to reduce its number of list members as well. Some party managers fear that SLab may even lose their position as the main Holyrood opposition to Ruth Davidson's STory party.
The party's response will be to split the current Scottish branch into two separate parties.
Labour in Scotlandshire reveal their pre-election spending plans.
By Dr Spin Freallie, our Political Correspondent,
The Leader of the Labour Party's most northerly branch office, Kezia Dug-Dale, has revealed her sub-party's spending plans for May's Holyrood election in a speech given this evening to a packed house in Harthill Rangers Club.
The headline pledges, as have been thouroughly trailed beforehand - not least on hourly broadcasts on this channel, were met with warm appalause from two thirds of the audience, both of whom had come along specifically to get out of the cold.
Cameron “put private part into dead pig’s head” in bizarre ritual, book claims
By Richard Trotter, our Chief Bestiality Correspondent
An unofficial biography of David Cameron written by the former Conservative donor Lord Ashcroft has made a series of claims about his involvement in a drug-taking environment at university.
According to the biography, an MP claims to have seen photographic evidence that Cameron put a “private part of his anatomy” into a dead pig’s head as part of a dining club initiation ritual.
The MP told the authors Cameron attended a dining club called Piers Gaveston, known for its debauchery and named after the lover of Edward II, as well as being part of the Bullingdon drinking club, which was notorious for trashing rooms.
- The rise and fall of Jeremy Corbyn: SNP to blame claims Labour 'insider'
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- Better Together II: 3 blackwhite goodthinkers vs 1 plusleft unperson
- Reviewed: Labour unveils its new colours
- Skittery Cameron abandons key English bill as SNP threaten to vote it down
- SNP MPs to face privatisation, vows Cameron
- It has to be 'joabs fur the boays', says MacIntosh
- Twitter crimez of the evil Cybernatz exposed!
- A little application goes a long way
- Labour politicians say Glasgow rally was 'full of bloody lefties'
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