Bringing you ludicrous, spurious and ill-conceived Scottish stories from Atlantic Quay.
Any similarity to other terminally biased national broadcasters is entirely unfortunate.

rUK voters reject U-KOK

By John Poultice, The World's Only Polling Expert

breakfastSadly, the poll of English voters, carried out by YouGuff, on behalf of a bunch of so-called "academics" (they wouldn't let me join their gravy train) has destroyed the entire basis of the NoBloodyThanks! ThereShouldBeNoBloody HaggisInAFullEnglish Breakfast campaign.

Not a single English voter objected to Scotlandshire including haggis, square sausage, or tattie scones for their early morning repast, so the U-KOK suggestion that the Natz were fuelling cross-border divisions seems to have had no effect.

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Sign up to the Declaration of Hampstead

By Bliar McDonut, Our Head of Policy and Decision Making

unionflagtatterWith only one month to go, we want YOU to be part of the biggest Westminster-driven campaign in Scotlandshire's history, using bought in expertise and astroturf to counteract community-based activism.

Help us to save the tattered remnants of our National Flag.

Help us keep a strong UK, capable of remaining a nuclear armed ‘Global Power’ that uses our resources to fund wars to show we ‘Punch above our weight’, rather than funding health, education or social provisions at home.

HELP US! FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, HELP US!

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U-KOK say sorry for Hitler/Darling photographs

By Hugh Jerrar, our Campaign Cockup Correspondent

darling-hitlerU-KOK officials were forced to issue an apology today, as fury erupted over images depicting Alistair Darling with former Führer Adolph Hitler, which were posted on a Better Together website.

The former German Chancellor, once thought dead, had been invited to speak as part of the Better Together celebrations of the outbreak of War in Europe. World War II began in September 1939, exactly 75 years before the referendum on Separation.

The photographs were taken at the closed 'No Bloody Thanks' meeting, where U-KOK head Darling shared a platform with the genocidal mass murderer, were later published on the satirical Vote No Borders website.

Within minutes of publication, floods of angry tweets and comments appeared from appalled members of the public, forcing the owner of the MI5-funded website, Tory donor and No campaign tool Malcolm Offroad, to remove the offending page from his site.

A short video of the notorious dictator stating he was voting No for world peace was also deleted.

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Yes vote will lead to mass incontinence within Scotland

By Dougie Stile, Our Anal Activity Correspondent

bbc spiderOur sister station BBC Two Scotlandshire is showing it's (supposedly) high-brow programme, "Mind Games" at 9pm this evening, describing how fear of anything, everything, but especially spiders, ensures that scaredy cats will vote No Bloody Thanks.

However, for our somewhat more low-brow / no-brow / what's a brow? audience a simpler explanation is more appropriate.

It's been known for many years by criminals, Ian Davidson, U-KOK and Nob Orders [1] and doesn't need fancy psychologists to explain it.

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Deal with the Devil - Scots satanic plot uncovered

By Auld Nick, Our Netherworld Correspondent

dewar demonTroubled Scotlandshire supremo Dictator Eck and his cronies were reeling last night when the revelation by Canon Kenahm Wright, that the Yes Scotlandshire Campaign are in league with the Devil, was caught on camera.

Speaking at a meeting of the National Coven, the Grand Wizard of Independence let fly, explaining that Devilution had not been enough, and hinted at how the Dark Lord Sammin now wants more - a deal with the Devil himself!!

With the news that the ‘B’ in ‘plan B’ stands for Beelzebub confirmed, the crazed demonic cleric revealed the full details of the diabolical plan off camera - with ‘Flower of Satan’ set to replace ‘God Save the Queen’ as the National Anthem, Kilmarnock to be renamed ‘Kilwarlock’, Edinburgh ‘Satanburgh’ and Dundee to be left just as it is!

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Outrage in Oz

By Didgeri Doo, Our Land of Oz and Convicts Correspondent

dame ednaThere was fury in Australia, as news broke that Abbott's intervention in the debate on Scotlandshire's future had been totally misrepresented, and he had misconstrued the instructions he had received from the Australian Queen's UK Government.

Summoned by his master, the London Commonwealth (and other foreigners) Secretary Philip Hammond for a "barbie and a few tinnies", Abbott was briefed on what to say.

Miss Matilda Woltsing, Chairprincess of "Keep Australia Royal (and White)" said: "Although I didn't vote for Mr Abbott, he is just stating the obvious. People who live on the other side of the world are upside down and in serious danger of falling off. If they don't keep together, then they'll just plunge downwards. Only in Australia are we the right way up."

Lance Boyle, Chief Political Reporter of the Katherine Times said: "Look, the only trouble with Abott is the first three letters of his name. We have the same problem with the drunken Abos here that England has with the drunken Scots. Christ! Can you imagine giving the Abos the right to make decisions for themselves!

"Just give the Scots their booze in plastic bottles, and let them drink themselves to death like we do. Problem solved."

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BBC Scotlandshire to be "Fairly Scary"

By Lawsfur Rarich, Our Legal Correspondent

bossymanBBC Scotlandshire's Head of News and Bias, Johnny Bossyman has announced that the channel is to "strive even more earnestly" to provide balanced coverage of both the Yes and No campaigns. "We have received legal advice", he said, "and unlike those splittist bastirts at Holyrood, we publish it!"

As part of its ongoing review of their standards and practice, BBC Scotlandshire constantly works to remain engaged with Scotlandshire (while two timing her with London).

In response to an FOI request, BBC Scotlandshire is fu*king furious to have happy to publish the full text of this letter received from their legal advisers.

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New occult group supports the Union

By Weecann Seayou, Our Tiny Sects Correspondent

The NO GhostsRotters news agency reports stunning news as, new to the fray group, "Psychics Say No Bloody Thanks!" reveal the astonishing array of the departed who are in support of the Union.

Doris Jack, the leader of the group says: "The ether has just been alive with spirits coming through to show their contempt for separation."

Doris added: "To date, 200 major figures have signed up. Those voicing their support for Scotlandshire voting No Bloody Thanks! include such luminaries as Alexander the Great, Queen Cleopatra, Geronimo, Gandhi, Elvis Presley and, from the auld alliance, none less than Cardinal Richelieu of France himself!!

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Has U-KOK got enough cash to buy enough people to win?

By Old Sarum, Our Electoral Malfeasance Correspondent

greg-moodie-blairU-KOK HQ were shocked when a new poll showed that a major plank of their strategy had backfired. Wisely, they promptly ensured that reporting of the TNS poll was rapidly removed from newspaper websites, so that its results would be seen by no one until after the TV debate from Inverness was over.

The TNS poll showed that support for No Bloody Thanks had increased among all those polled. However, among those who could actually be arsed to vote, the Yes vote had actually increased. An incandescent Bliar 'Tuba' McDonut expostulated "Fu*k! I said that was a bad idea. Now our people won't come out to vote unless we pay them."

Observers of were puzzled by the reference to winning through payment, but we can exclusively reveal the brilliance of the original plan he was referring to, and its unforeseen consequence.

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Whisper it - Britain would be nothing without Scotland

By Pax Brittanica, Our Imperial (and Chelsea Dinner Party) Correspondent

ruk flagGlorious stuff (though we are surprised that this historian doesn't remember that Ireland decided to leave the UK, or thinks our American friends were pleased to have the Union Jack fluttering above the white House in 1814).

We are delighted to reprint this stirring call to remain part of the London upper middle class from our friends at the Daily Mail. To quell any doubts from those who imagine that we indulge in satire (Heaven forfend!) not a single word in Andrew Roberts article has been changed.

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