Bringing you ludicrous, spurious and ill-conceived Scottish stories from Atlantic Quay.
Any similarity to other terminally biased national broadcasters is entirely unfortunate.

As parliament is prorogued, the SNP prepare their alien invasion

By Terry Fayed-Nation, our Extraterrestrial Correspondent

daleksAs the mother of all parliaments, Westminster, enters its final recess before the General Election, a pall of fear hangs over the institution. A terror of the enemy within. A tangible horror of change.

The Scottish Nationalist Party are preparing to become King-makers in an institution where Kings are genetically programmed to rule, and need no help from such alien Jockistani upstarts as these.

The imminent demise of the Labour Party's operation in Scotlandshire, for no greater a crime than the defence of the very realm itself, seems likely to unleash the apocalypse upon an unsuspecting nation. An invasion of barbarian SNP MPs who neither know nor care how things have always been done.

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Tae a Louse - On seeing one on Lady Scotia's bonnet in parliament

By Robert Burns, our Prophetic Poetic Correpondent

This is the second in our series highlighting the prescience of the Bard and his relevance to modern Scottish politics.

Tae a louse

Ha! whaur ye gaun, ye crowlin ferlie?
Your impudence protects you sairly;
I canna say but ye strunt rarely,
Owre gauze and lace;
Tho', faith! I fear ye dine but sparely
On sic a place.

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Miliband will be first normal Prime Minister

By Lucky Alexander, Our Kitchens Under the Sledgehammer correspondent

The Milibands enjoying a cuppa in the servant’s kitchenThe latest Ashcroft poll reveals Labour Party Leader Ed Miliband has managed a massive turnaround to become the most popular UK political leader and predicts he will command a majority even greater than the total secured by Tony Blair in the 1997 general election.

This complete reversal in fortune has followed an intervention to make him appear even more like a normal family man and has left all the opposition parties in complete disarray.

Even the wipe-out predicted in Scotlandshire has been reversed placing the SNP genie firmly back in the bottle.

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Donorgasm destroys Danny

By Cum Kwikly, Our Sexual Politics Correspondent

bumThe agent shared by all three Highland Lib Dem MPs, Ms Dolly Pastit, was visibly deflated after hearing that Danny Alexander had been taken for a ride, and that her pump would not, after all, be primed.

"It's been difficult for me since the Coalition was formed", she wailed.

"Charlie was always my darling, and his performances were always hugely impressive, but he lost his 'get up and go' as he embraced his true love. When the BBC publicly showed him in her embrace on Question Time, it was all over between us. I'll never forgive that cruel bastirt Dumbledrone for that particular bit of viciousness."

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Help the urgent appeal for BBC's Red Face Day

By Johnny Bossyman, Our Charity Begins at Home Director of Bias

red-faceSome of you bleeding heart liberals may be tempted to shell out some of your hard-earned Minimum Wage to help cure the epidemic of Red Nose disease that is sweeping the world.

It is a worthy cause, we do not deny that. However, why restrict your concern to the nasal protuberance when a far greater threat is heading our way?

The serious menace of Red Face is one that threatens all the executives of BBC Scotlandshire, and must be resisted at all costs.

Those costs, of course, must be borne not by us, but by you - our generous, if simple-minded, readers.

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Midsomer mystery deepens

By Trev Eeyah, Our Waste of Space Correspondent

fairy doorResidents in the accident-prone county of Midsomer have been concerned about the outbreak of tiny doors in popular beauty spot, Wayward Woods.

No one was more concerned than popular beauty Eve Bentback (32). "Most nights, I'm in the woods, and as the doors are in the tree roots, they're at my eye level. For some reason, they open up a bit at the same time I do."

Most residents had assumed that the outbreak of tiny doors was simply down to the stupidity of local parents desperate to give their little princesses a brief moment of happiness, before they were imaginatively slaughtered by the homicidal maniacs, with which the county is plentifully supplied.

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Tae a Moose - On turning him up in his nest wi the plough

By Robert Burns, our Prophetic Poetic Correpondent

Tae a moose

Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty
Wi bickering brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an' chase thee,
Wi' murdering pattle.

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Politicians rush to remodel themselves

By Lower Ratone, Our English Meeja Correspondent

jackstrawAmazed by the free publicity generated by the Sun today by its (un)coverage of Sturgeon's ball and the deep tanning provided for Tasmina Ahmed-Sheikh, a flurry of politicians have rushed to join them.

A spokesthong for Malcolm Rifkind (see below - if you dare) said: "With his Lords' career gone, Jack feels a career in adult movies has exciting possibilities."

Jack Straw pouted: "Having sold off everything else, I'm now entitled to sell my body to the highest bidder."

Better that he had been ignored again, in favour of a suddenly un-prettied Tasmina, Humza Yousaf tweeted "Just in case @TheSunNewspaper want to write a piece about me, here's a pic of me below." (see below)

Tommy Sheridan demanded to know why his face had not been used in the Tasmina article.

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SLab hopeful, forced to take the Blair Grand, gets creative

By Helmut D Nyer, our Labour Revisionism Correspondent

blair-handsA Labour parliamentary candidate who had refused to accept a donation of £1000 from Tony Blair has been told she must accept the cash.

The former prime minister pledged £106,000 to help the party campaign in 106 key battleground seats, but Lesley Brennan who is standing in Dundee East decided to decline the offer.

She was then instructed by Labour's central office in London that the offer was not optional and that she must accept the donation and use it to support her campaign.

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Morphy forced back to original shape by London diktat

By Ingin Eenana, Our Dundee Correspondent

gandalfandbeornConsummate shape-shifter, "Creepy" Jim Morphy, was abruptly forced to shed his patriotic, proto-Nationalist skin just hours after his spectacular performance at the Edinburgh International Conference Centre.

After a lengthy introduction in which he really was "Rambling Sid Rumpo" from the 1960s, Morphy made the on-stage transition to being Nicola Sturgeon (complete with tin helmet). How the audience (apart from the unions) loved it!

His Vow that "he will not need permission from the party's UK leader Ed Miliband for decisions relating to Scotland" was wildly acclaimed as being just as full of shit meaning as the Daily Record's Vow.

Yet within hours, London brought him to his knees.

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