Bringing you ludicrous, spurious and ill-conceived Scottish stories from Atlantic Quay.
Any similarity to other terminally biased national broadcasters is entirely unfortunate.

Jim Morphy vows to donate millions to the needy

By Ayeov A Niedel, our Shameless Sectarian Card Correspondent

cratesIn his latest and most astonishing policy U-turn, Labour's Branch Manager in Scotlandshire, Jim Morphy MP, has announced his intention to donate all his worldly goods to the poor of Glasgow.

The MP, previously infamous for his hallmark acquisitiveness, will donate millions of pounds he has amassed since becoming a Labour MP to a number of local charities, in what will be seen by many as the political reversal of the century.

Mr Morphy told the BBC; “It was while I was posing for a photo-op in an Edinburgh foodbank last week that I had a Damascene moment - a unique flash of self-awareness, if you will - and it changed me forever.

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A storm in a teacup

By Scott T Bagger, Our hot beverage intern correspondent

Chuka Umunna labours hard but struggles with readingA senior Labour MP has today stormed out of the BBC Scotlandshire headquarters when tough questioning deviated off the pre-arranged topic.

Chuka Umunna reacted angrily to questions posed by a BBC Scotlandshire News24 intern only moments before he was set to appear live on the rolling news channel.

This is the second such incident in as many days where Mr Umunna has become a huffy little sissy when visiting TV studios.

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Sturgeon implicated as Humerus Clivo virus hits British elite

By Geezmeara Dryboak our (British) Nationalist Virus Correspondent

virusIt has now been confirmed that the suspected outbreak of Humerus Clivo Virus (shoulder Slope Virus or HCV) has taken place, with its epicentre identified as the UK House of Commons.

First noted at last week's Prime Minister's questions, when David Cameron’s head was below the lectern for all of the session. Parliamentary journalists were initially at a loss to explain this unusual occurrence.

Various reasons for his diminutive stance were put forward. Initially most of the hack pack believed Mr Cameron was on his knees in prayer after the latest polls, or was he perhaps attempting to attract the wife of pocket-sized speaker John Bercow.

However Nosy Parker of the Torygraph, famous for breaking the expenses scandal, was first to realise that due to HCV Mr Cameron had been unable to stand on the stricken Nick Clegg’s shoulders.

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Sir Humphrey justifies 'suspending the laws of economics' during Scottish referendum

By Fessup N Gloat, our 'too well protected to care' correspondent

Sir HumphreyThe most senior civil servant at the Treasury last night defended his decision publicly to oppose independence for Scotland. He said that in such an “extreme” case as last year’s referendum, in which “people are seeking to destroy the very fabric of the state” and to “impugn its immutable territorial integrity”, the normal rules of economics did not apply.

Speaking at the inaugural meeting of the Strand Group last night, in a lecture at the Treasury entitled “The Treasury and Preservation of the Union”, Sir Nicholas MacPherson explained that “the strong recurring conclusion” of his teams’ studies was that independence would be overwhelmingly in the interests of the Scottish people.

We also concluded however, since separation is not a zero sum game, that it would be against the interests of the remainder of the UK, and highly detrimental to the interests of the 1% for whom and by whom the UK government is run. For this reason, we decided to suspend economic theory as it is understood, and simply make up some scary figures instead.

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Devastation for Sturgeon as 'Angry Salmond' escapes the internet

By David Torrents, our Unending Streams of Pish Correspondent.

Angry-salmondFirst Minister Nicola Sturgeon has been left reeling by the revelation that 'Angry Salmond', a Twitter parody account of former First Minister Alex Salmond, has escaped the confines of Twitter and assumed control of the body of his real-world counterpart.

The exact details surrounding this cyber-breakout are unclear but prominent social media expert, saviour of Scotlandshire and leader of the Scottish Labour party, Jim Murphy MP, gave us today's view on the matter:

"Well, David, as you can see from this unforgivable breach of data security, the SNP are utterly ill-prepared for cyber attacks. They have left the people of Scotlandshire dangerously exposed as a result of their own vanity and their failure to understand social media.

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Can the Blood-Elves of Silvermoon free their lands from Alliance rule?

By Waldorf Wark-Raffe, Journal-keeper of the Horde Clans

CameroonTrouble is brewing in the Eastern Kingdoms.

From the Highlands and Islands of Lordaeran in the North, to the industrial centre of Khaz Modan, the Blood-Elves have arisen, determined to wrest back their lands from Alliance control.

But dark forces are hard at work and determined to thwart their plans.

The History

For more than three centuries, the Elf race known as the Scotii has been ruled from the Alliance capital in Southern Azeroth – ever since the nobles of the Northern Kingdom sold their people into an ill-considered and unequal union with Varian Wrynn, the King of Stormwind.

And in Azeroth, each of of the great races is allied against the Scotii.

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Blow for SNP as drug dealer does business with infant in his car

By Sneek E Buoy, our Kangaroo Court Reporter

high-court-of-justiciaryA cocaine dealer was caught on a drugs run with his infant daughter in the car, a court in Auchenshoogle has heard today.

Shug McGrumble, 32, of Auchenshoogle, dumped cocaine worth thousands of pounds after being signalled to stop by Police Scotlandshire, north of Turriff [Ed – where is this? Do we have any reporters who know the sticks and could give background information on the inbred locals?].

The incident took place just weeks after McGrumble was freed on bail after being charged with drugs offences.

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Don't vote for BBC Scotlandshire, warns Labour's deputy Dugdale

By John McTearwan, our 'Rightwards of Ghengis Khan' correspondent

BBC dugdaleLabour in Scotlandshire's deputy Dugdale has warned viewers not to support BBC Scotlandshire for funniest blog in the Bella Caledonia #IndeRefAwards which are taking place this week.

Ms Dugdale (née Fifi le Bon) warned a vote for BBC Scotlandshire was 'a sure way to let in the Tories' and that viewers of the controversial BBC channel should 'just join the Labour party instead - it's only a pound*."

Advising Scottish voters to 'forget the past' she said: "Don't vote with either your head or your heart, but cast your ballot instead using your colon, and give Scottish Labour(sic) the same kind of support it has always given you.

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Labour in Scotlandshire must 'rewrite history' to retain any seats

By Reeve Izhonist, our Labour History Correspondent

futureLabour in Scotlandshire must 'go back to the future' if they are to have any hope of retaining Scottish seats in May, a senior Labour spindoctor has said.

John McTearwan, a graduate of the Jackie Baillie School of Creative Mendacity, made the statement to a packed telephone booth of Labour activists, representing over half of his party's Scottish membership, as he took up his new post as Chief of Staff to Jim Morphy MP (pro-tem).

The BBC has learned that Mr McTearwan told the private meeting that newly appointed leader Morphy: “is not the Messiah, just a very naughty boy. As are we all. So the clean-up needs to start here and now, or we're all f**ked in May.

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Anti-SNP plan to spy on toddlers 'too soft', claims Morphy

By Reed Mcomms, our Security Correspondent

nurseryNursery school staff and registered childminders must report toddlers at risk of becoming separatists, under new measures proposed by the UK Government.

The directive is contained in a 39-page consultation document issued by the Home Office in a bid to bolster its plan to prevent another referendum on separation for Scotlandshire taking place.

The document accompanies the Counter-Separatism and Security Bill, currently before parliament. It identifies nurseries and early years childcare providers, along with schools and universities, as having a duty “to prevent people being drawn into splittism”.

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