Buyer found for Labour's branch office in Scotlandshire

By Farquhar Fortesque-Landgrabber, our Scottish Estates Correspondent

officeA buyer has been found for the Labour Party's branch office premises in Scotlandshire just days after the building was placed on the market.

The office was put up for sale following the second Ashcroft poll of Scottish constituencies, which showed that Labour would lose almost all of its Scottish seats, forcing the party to reconsider its accommodation needs.

The asking price was then quickly slashed in the wake of a motivational day trip to Edinburgh for the branch office's dwindling sales team, which turned out to be a mysogynist disaster.

The partyproperty was described by estate agents, The Charles Charlatan Partnership, as "Rather faded and run down, but still with some potential if new management can be found in time. Largely neglected since the seventies, this property has lost its purpose, with only the right wing being occupied for several decades. The site would be ideal for redevelopment but would require demolition of a perilously unsafe structure."

The identity of the purchaser has not been disclosed, but the BBC understands it to be "a Scottish political party with 100,000 members".

As soon as it became clear that Scottish Labour1 would have trouble filling the back seat of a ministerial Mondeo, never mind their former palatial offices, Ed Miliband announced his decision to downsize his operation north of the border.

This will involve downgrading Labour's presence in Scotlandshire from a full branch office to a simple sales office, with a huge reduction in staff and a consequent move to much smaller premises.

lamont-bunker3Labour are also selling their extensive underground bunker complex below Glasgow's George Square. This will be bought by Clypetech, a spin-off company from the Israeli army, which will use it as a base to spy on the city's citizens on behalf of the GCC.

BBC Scotlandshire has learned that, under this deal, Johann Lamont will be allowed to stay on as the Heid of Underground Cleaning Services.

The Labour Party had leased its former office building from its owners, the Renfrew & District Conservative and Unionist Association, who immediately listed the building on the property market.

"The speed of the sale demonstrates the strength of the Scottish property market and of the economy in general, and this is all down to our hard work in opposition. And that will only be enhanced by today's policy; State-funded playtime Irn-Bru for the kids of dynastic SLab families. That's what we call family values.", said retiring Branch Manager, Jim Morphy.

"That said", he continued, "I would like to place on record that I have never been a member, or even a supporter, of the Labour Party. I have been a card-carrying SNP member since my days at university – all 3,287.252 of them. Honest.

"You won't find words like 'Unionist' or 'Labour' or 'honest day's work', anywhere on my LinkedIn account. No Siree. Not on this Bhoy's CV."

bainThe new Labour sales office will be situated in a portacabin in Milton, part of Willie Bain's Glasgow North East constituency. It will be open every second Saturday, and will double up as Mr Bain's constituency office on alternate weekends.

As the sole remaining employee of Scottish Labour, Mr Bain will be employed mainly as a caretaker, but with additional responsibilities as Minister for Scotland on the second Wednesday of every month, weather permitting.

He will also be responsible for emptying and unblocking the chemical toilet.

"To be honest, we never really needed all that space anyway", Mr Bain told the BBC, "all we did was pin the weekly policy memo from London onto the notice board. It wasn't like we got to make any decisions for ourselves.

"We did have lots of fun making up all the hilarious spoof policies during the general Election campaign. A thousand more nurses than anything the SNP says, was my favourite. But 'bring back boozed-up, burd-beating bigots to the fitba' came close.

"A policy a day keeps the spin-doctor in pay, you know. But we would never have been allowed to implement any of them, thank God.

"Even our press releases and voting decisions followed a strict, unalterable formula – if an idea comes from the SNP, no matter what it's merits, we were against it on principle. My principle that is!

"Lets face it, even SLab has to have one principle, right?"

A spokesnat from the Scottish Government said, "Who?"

1. Scottish Labour is a trading name of the London Labour Party plc, which is itself a subsiduary of Rainbow Tories Inc. of Washington DC.

2. 3,287.25 is the number of days in 9 full years of fruitless study, grant-aided and unburdened by student fees, loans or graduate taxes.

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