Confusion - SLAB's new winning strategy
By Willie Wontie, Our Decision Making Correspondent
New research, found on the back of a fag packet by Morphy's very right hand man, "Maggie" McTearwan, shows that the more that voters are confused, the better Labour's chances in the coming election. Uncertain voters prefer parties who are as confused as they are.
In a spate of leaked stories and photographs in the weekend press, co-planners McDonut and Dalgetybay have released an onslaught of uncertainty that has left the Nat strategists reeling.
A main component of the plan is to present an image of a hapless bunch of politicians, fighting like ferrets in a sack, not even able to tie their own shoelaces.
Shadow Secretary of State, "Whitsmaname" Curran bravely stepped forward as front runner, as she struggles to keep her feet, much less her seat.
In a carefully choreographed picture with the entire Glasgow canvassing team, Magrit stepped forward in a specially prepared coat designed to make her look inept and useless.
Simultaneously, fellow SLAB MPs spoke to key journalists to intensify the story. One told the Herald:
"Margaret is getting a terrible reception on the doorstep, and the more hostility she gets, the more resources she wants for a seat nobody thinks we are going to hold."
While another Scottish Labour source said:
"Margaret has always been out for herself and Jim needs to have a word with her. It will be a blow to Labour if we lose our Scottish Secretary but we can take comfort in the knowledge that the IQ of the Westminster group will rise when Margaret goes."
Meanwhile, the Times reporter heard from a senior Slabber that:
"We are stuffed. I think we are seeing the end of the party.I have not spoken to a Labour MP who has not been in despair."
and from another that, while canvassing for Ian Davidson:
"In an entire day in the constituency they found one Labour voter, while in East Renfrewshire they didn't find one Labour voter, they were all either SNP or Tory."
Typical floating voter, Frank McAveety said: "I've always been confused and a total failure in life, so it's great to find a party that's just like me. Voting Labour might be just the thing, but aren't they the people who were so certain about being British?
"I don't think I could vote for a party that knew what it was about. Do you know where I parked my bus?"
Fortunately, a bystander just happened to have a copy of the Herald around his poke of chips.
Mr McDonut pointed out the article that said Labour had trademarked the name "Scottish Labour Party" just in case they wanted to go for Independence.
He remarked it was really hard to decide on these things, but since Labour seemed to face every way at the same time, they seemed to be the best choice - and did we want a chip?
SLAB Comms Director, Sue'em Dalgetybay said she was overjoyed at the response "In fact", she purred, "I decided to bring forward the announcement that Dundee East SLAB have decided to refuse the £1,000 from Tony Bliar. I can't think of anything more likely to have people saying 'WTF? Do these eejits know what they're doing, turning down cash from their own former PM?'
"Victory seems assured now."
Sunday Herald: Labour insiders: saving Curran's a drain on resources
Sunday Times: "Time Running Out For The Union" and lots of other stories. No links because, as our Finance Director said: "Ah'm nae spendin onythin' oan that shite."
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