Salmond slams Trident safety concerns
By Dee Fensliss, Our Global Geopolitics correspondent
There was utter confusion at Westminster yesterday when Alex Salmond called for an adjournment debate on the safety of the UK's nuclear deterrent at HM Naval Base Clyde.
The opposition benches, which have been overrun by the SNP members, were once again stuffed with Scottish Nationalist MPs. Members from other parties felt so intimidated that they felt obliged tostaywell away from the chamber, hiding in various bars and subsidised restaurants..
The debate was sparked by a potentially explosive report written by a very junior submariner, who subsequently went on the run for a while, before handing himself into authorities after the public had finally noticed his shenanigans.
A comprehensive Ministry of Defence investigation has given the Trident planet killing system a completely clean bill of health and the UK nuclear naval bases have been proclaimed the most secure military facilities worldwide.
Able Seaman William McNeilly, 25, went absent without leave when he 'took a pure flaky' while writing and releasing a scathing report about safety and security concerns at HM Naval Base Clyde and onboard submarines.
The serviceman was apprehended at Edinburgh Airport and was then handed over to the Royal Navy Police for the "care" he so richly deserved. He has been diagnosed as suffering from being a little silly and declared to be a very naughty boy by MOD medical professionals.
His family has been offered a range of support and a straitjackets for Mr McNeilly's use when on future leave.
Based on the MOD report of the incident, Defence Secretary Michael Fallon MP released a 500 word statement that contained the following highlights:
A very very junior member of staff, who was still undergoing training, had formed impressions that were either factually incorrect or the result of mis- or partial understanding.
Unfortunately this serviceman's training has only involved using Brasso cleaner and a duster to clean and polish the handles of the doors that lead to the passageways that eventually get you into the area where the missiles are stored.
As none of the points raised by Seaman McNeilly were found to have any foundation, I have instructed the MOD to implement, without delay, a new grade within the Royal Navy. With immediate effect, all whistleblowers will be regraded to Unable Seaman and be promoted to a lifetime of latrine duty.
Today's debate was opened by Mr Salmond reiterating the crazed ramblings of Mr McNeiily, before moving onto nuclear reactors leaking like sieves and finishing off with a conspiracy theory about the Ministry of Defence (MOD) preventing the Scottish Environmental Protection Agency (SEPA) from discussing nuclear incidents with the Scottish Government and the general public.
Speaking on behalf of the United Kingdom Government, the Defence Minister Penny Mordaunt MP made the case for fast-tracking the replacement for Trident. She said: "To reassure the SNP of this imaginary threat, we will immediately fast-track the replacement of Trident to make everything shiny and new once again."
Responding to the request from the former Dictator of Scotlandshire to prevent the MOD from using Crown Immunity in dealings with SEPA, Ms Mordaunt replied: "The Right Honourable Gentleman can eat all the fried confectionary he likes but he cannot have his cake and eat it."
It was claimed the layered security at the base was perfectly adequate, except for that one time the Peace Camp folk had managed to sneak in and liberate one of the nukes. Ms Mordaunt responded: "But they did give it back before we'd even noticed it was missing so it all ended well."
Keep calm and hide under the stairs.
The Defence Minister summarised the whistleblower incident eloquently, with the correct measure of authority and truthfulness she stated: "The Ministry of Defence has fully investigated McNeilly's mutterings and given the procedures and systems of our nuclear deterrent a clean bill of health. Now move along please. Nothing to see here."
Mr Salmond intervened to ask on the status of Mr McNeilly, to which Ms Mordaunt replied: "We've avoided turning him into a CND martyr if that's what your asking. He's free as a bird and is back on active service."
She concluded with a great Union truth: "These SNP MPs really have no cause for complaint - their election to the House of Commons places them at least 400 miles out of harm's way. How much further do they want to be away from ground zero and the fallout zone?"
A spokeshippy for CND commented: "The End is Nigh!"
Honest Jim's subs
BBC Scotlandshire has learned that Jim Morphy has taken up a career as a nuclear submarine salesman since his failure to convince the electorate of East Renfrewshire to re-select him as an MP.
Mr Morphy commented: “The SNP claims to be anti-austerity then wants to cut £100bn from defence spending.”
Discussing the SNP caused considerable agitation for the former politician.
Mr Morphy raged: "The bloody SNP holding up Trident renewal is preventing my commission coming through from selling off the old boats and missiles to Iran, North Korea and ISIS."
In other breaking news, a lasting Middle East peace settlement may just be possible with the announcement of Tony Blair standing down as a United Nations Peace Envoy for the region.
Public Service Announcement
The Ministry of Defence has launched this public service film to allay public fears over Trident blewing up and consuming them and their family in a fireball from the gates of hell.
BBC Scotland [spoof]: Trident safety concerns 'not been proved', says defence secretary
Due to the huge number of complaints, comments are no longer banned on BBC Scotlandshire News pages.