Tory election plan ruined as Royal Baby II found to be Scottish
By Emma Reel-Toadie OBE WAN, our Royal Affairs Correspondent
Plans to deliver a Royal baby to an expectant nation just days before the General Election have been brought to a premature end as DNA tests show Kate's new daughter to be Scottish.
The Conservatives had organised a chemically-induced delay in the Royal parturition to provide maximum impact in the election. Millions were expected to vote to return David Cameron as patriotic fervour gripped the British nation just days before the vote.
But these plans were set back when a last-minute DNA test – now standard for all Royal births since the arrival of Prince Harry – revealed the Royal baby to be half Scottish, on her father's side.
"This is a constitutional disaster!", writes Home Secretary Theresa May in the TeleTorygraph. "We can't have a Scot in line for the Throne of England. It would be unthinkable. Possibly the worst crisis since James VI failed to abdicate."
Kate herself was apologetic. "One knows One has let everyone down, and One wishes to apologise for that. But One hopes and trusts the common people will understand the circumstances which led One to this constitutional whatsit, yah.
From Ennui to Whoopee
"One was holed up in bloody Balmoral all last summer, bored shitless as usual. Wills was out every day shooting the peasants so One began watching Outlander on Netflix on One's own.
"It was terribly atmospheric and One totes identified with the lovely Claire Randall. A beautiful English girl forced to live among the barbarous Celtic tribes.
"Then one afternoon, while One was enjoying a short stroll round the grounds between episodes, a rather dishy young ghillie wearing a kilt and no shirt appeared from the mists.
"What was a girl to do in the circumstances? One was simply overwhelmed by the romantic Scotchness of the moment."
Royal bedchamber expert David Starkey told the BBC: "The Royals are normally quite careful about this bloodline stuff. In the end, it's all they actually do.
"But to allow Scottish DNA to enter the Royal household is an unforgivable lapse in good taste.
"There is simply no room for foreign blood in the Royal line: the approved combination for this generation is 1/2 English, 3/8 German and 1/8 Greek (and a trace of alien lizard).
"That said, many of us have our doubts about uncle Harry as well. All that red hair, strip snooker and boozy parties. We suspect there's a generous measure of Irn Bru in those veins too. Fnaar."
There was a further shock for fans of feudalism when it was revealed that Kate is considering naming her daughter Nicola. Sources close to the Palace reported the name Betty had been considered but rejected as being too common.
Her full name will be Nicola Flora MacDonald Alex Wallace Bruce Sean Connery Independence Caledonia Saxe-Coburg de Goetha.
"She seems to have gone all native on One and One cannot fathom what could have caused it", complained a distraught Prince William to reporters from Hello Magazine who own the film rights to the birth.
BBC news (the spoof one) : Royal baby: When to induce?
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