Looming UK energy gap could be 'corked' by Scots Peers
By Lotza Kashenit, our Energy Economics Correspondent
Scotlandshire must build new power stations if it wants to keep the lights on in the Home Counties beyond 2025, opposition leaders will warn today.
All three opposition parties in the Scottish parliament have insisted that new nuclear and gas-fired power plants must be built as the Southern UK has dropped below 3% energy resilience, leading to increased likelihood of both planned and unplanned power cuts.
All three party leaders will insist that Scotlandshire, which already exports a third of the power it generates to the South East of England, is the obvious place to site these new facilities.
"It's a no brainer", whispered SLab leader and expert on cerebral deficiency Jim Morphy. "Nuclear power stations are deeply unpopular neighbours and create few permanent jobs, so they need to be sited far away from swing seats – and according to the polls there are no longer any of those in Scotlandshire.
"More importantly, replacing the ageing Longannet coal-fired station with a new gas-fired facility will help my friends in another place (whom I hope to join very soon) in their plans to 'frack the frack out of Fracklandshire'. For that is how it shall soon become known once I am First Minister. Mwahaha!" [Ed: Nobody mention the £1bn withdrawn by Westminster to make this a carbon capture and storage facility.]
However, scientists at one of Scotlandshire's trailing universities have proposed a new form of renewable energy which could provide almost unlimited cheap baseload power for the foreseeable future.
Professor Martini Tipple, director of Napier University's biofuel research centre, has produced an advanced biofuel called biobutanal, which could provide an alternative to oil for car and aviation fuel as well as other technologies.
Whisky accounts for just 10% of the material produced in distilleries, with the remaining biological raw materials disposed of at a cost to the industry. Prof Tipple wants to transform this waste material into biofuel.
He unveiled the first-ever samples of biobutanal at the Scotch Whisky Experience in Edinburgh, where it was described as: "a young and pretentious little number with a pleasant firm body but legs thinner than Jim Morphy with Bulimia".
Prof Tipple told us, "I started out using whisky waste products as a source for my new biofuel, but quickly discovered another abundant energy source, Peers of the realm.
"Just like the whisky waste products, this resource is just sitting around doing nothing useful and costs a great deal of money to maintain. Also, we have plenty of them in Scotlandshire.
"It is their Lordship's many decades of regular and excessive quaffing of fine malt whisky that makes them such an efficient fuel source. George Ffoulks alone, for example, is estimated to now contain the calorific equivalent of two medium sized oil fields.
"The only danger is that, when Scotlandshire becomes independent, neither the new Scottish nor the former United Kingdom (FUK) governments will be keen to continue subsidising their Lairdship's whisky requirements. This would result in the Peer's only discernible purpose being removed.
"We are, therefore, recommending that all Scottish Peers should be immediately relocated to the Talisker distillery on the Isle of Skye, thus ensuring production can be maintained at current high levels once local LibDem MP Charlie Kennedy is unseated in May.
Once instaled in their new Oast-House of Lords, their Lardships will be fed a £300 daily supply of free malt, keeping them in the style to which they are apparently entitled, while allowing them to be repurposed as a vital source of renewable energy.
This will be achieved by tapping the gaseous emissions from their bodily orifices using a process known as Oliofaction of Liquid Distillates by Fulmination of Anally Recycled Toddy Spirits (OLD-FARTS).
Prof Tipple told us the name of his fuel, biobutanal, was derived from the Greek roots, 'bio' meaning alive, 'but' meaning purpose or object, and 'anal', meaning pertaining to the arse – hence 'being kept alive for their arse emissions'.
Which, by chance, is precisely why their Lordships are subsidised now.
The Hootsmon : Scots need new power station 'or lights go out'
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