Bringing you ludicrous, spurious and ill-conceived Scottish stories from Atlantic Quay.
Any similarity to other terminally biased national broadcasters is entirely unfortunate.
Politicians rush to remodel themselves
By Lower Ratone, Our English Meeja Correspondent
Amazed by the free publicity generated by the Sun today by its (un)coverage of Sturgeon's ball and the deep tanning provided for Tasmina Ahmed-Sheikh, a flurry of politicians have rushed to join them.
A spokesthong for Malcolm Rifkind (see below - if you dare) said: "With his Lords' career gone, Jack feels a career in adult movies has exciting possibilities."
Jack Straw pouted: "Having sold off everything else, I'm now entitled to sell my body to the highest bidder."
Better that he had been ignored again, in favour of a suddenly un-prettied Tasmina, Humza Yousaf tweeted "Just in case @TheSunNewspaper want to write a piece about me, here's a pic of me below." (see below)
Tommy Sheridan demanded to know why his face had not been used in the Tasmina article.
SLab hopeful, forced to take the Blair Grand, gets creative
By Helmut D Nyer, our Labour Revisionism Correspondent
A Labour parliamentary candidate who had refused to accept a donation of £1000 from Tony Blair has been told she must accept the cash.
The former prime minister pledged £106,000 to help the party campaign in 106 key battleground seats, but Lesley Brennan who is standing in Dundee East decided to decline the offer.
She was then instructed by Labour's central office in London that the offer was not optional and that she must accept the donation and use it to support her campaign.
Morphy forced back to original shape by London diktat
By Ingin Eenana, Our Dundee Correspondent
Consummate shape-shifter, "Creepy" Jim Morphy, was abruptly forced to shed his patriotic, proto-Nationalist skin just hours after his spectacular performance at the Edinburgh International Conference Centre.
After a lengthy introduction in which he really was "Rambling Sid Rumpo" from the 1960s, Morphy made the on-stage transition to being Nicola Sturgeon (complete with tin helmet). How the audience (apart from the unions) loved it!
His Vow that "he will not need permission from the party's UK leader Ed Miliband for decisions relating to Scotland" was wildly acclaimed as being just as full of shit meaning as the Daily Record's Vow.
Yet within hours, London brought him to his knees.
Confusion - SLAB's new winning strategy
By Willie Wontie, Our Decision Making Correspondent
New research, found on the back of a fag packet by Morphy's very right hand man, "Maggie" McTearwan, shows that the more that voters are confused, the better Labour's chances in the coming election. Uncertain voters prefer parties who are as confused as they are.
In a spate of leaked stories and photographs in the weekend press, co-planners McDonut and Dalgetybay have released an onslaught of uncertainty that has left the Nat strategists reeling.
A main component of the plan is to present an image of a hapless bunch of politicians, fighting like ferrets in a sack, not even able to tie their own shoelaces.
New book to accuse the BBC of institutional political bias – WTF?
By Steve Bell-Ende, Our "Autie's Incestuous Relations with SLab" Correspondent
A web site has just been published promoting sales of a book which tries to make a quite astonishing claim – that we, the BBC, Auntie Beeb are less than totally balanced on our political journalism in and regarding Scotlandshire.
Normally, any book making such patently absurd claims would end up straight in the BBC Index Expurgatus beneath my desk, but this one is being written by a repeat offender, the man behind the splittist blog, Newsnet.
GA Ponsonby, a self-confessed Cybernat, has spent years complaining about BBC Scotlandshire and collecting oodles of clips and screen-shots to back up his crazed conspiracy theories. Now he is writing down all his swivel-eyed rants in the form of a book, which he threatens to publish in April, well before the General Election.
Astonishingly, the book carries the title, LONDON CALLING – how the BBC stole the Referendum.
Stole! The BBC stole the referendum! When we were given it by all three legitimate British political parties, in a rare show of unity, and told to treat it as our own.
How can that possibly be described as theft?
Consequently, we are calling on every right-thinking Scot (and any left-thinking ones who haven't left the Labour party yet) to boycott this evil publication lest its separatist message infest the voters with the Nat virus it so clearly carries.
Buyer found for Labour's branch office in Scotlandshire
By Farquhar Fortesque-Landgrabber, our Scottish Estates Correspondent
A buyer has been found for the Labour Party's branch office premises in Scotlandshire just days after the building was placed on the market.
The office was put up for sale following the second Ashcroft poll of Scottish constituencies, which showed that Labour would lose almost all of its Scottish seats, forcing the party to reconsider its accommodation needs.
The asking price was then quickly slashed in the wake of a motivational day trip to Edinburgh for the branch office's dwindling sales team, which turned out to be a mysogynist disaster.
The partyproperty was described by estate agents, The Charles Charlatan Partnership, as "Rather faded and run down, but still with some potential if new management can be found in time. Largely neglected since the seventies, this property has lost its purpose, with only the right wing being occupied for several decades. The site would be ideal for redevelopment but would require demolition of a perilously unsafe structure."
Campaign placed on a war footing
By Corr Seeratits, Our International Womens Day Correspondent
Patriotic delegates to the Patriotic Party of Patriotic Scotlandshire Conference were placed on a war footing by their top military strategist, Private David Hamilton (VC and where's the fu*king bar?) yesterday.
In a top secret (because few were actually listening) briefing, he warned that the enemy had armed "wee lassies" and provided them with full military gear like tin helmets.
"It's easy tae make fun o' them", he dribbled, "and Ah'm a specialist in that field. Weemin makkin on they're sodjers? They've nae tadgers, and cannae even pish high up the wa'!"
Conference erupted in an outburst of pricks and cheered his strategic genius.
Carnage in Edinburgh Conference Centre
By Stenn Gunn, Our Battlefield Correspondent
Bodies littered the corridors of the Edinburgh International Conference Centre's toilet block after today's Labour in Patriotic Scotchland (just a wee Jock and Doris) Party's One Day Conference.
And what a helluva day it was!
I have seen many disasters, conflicts and wars in my time, but this was the bloodiest of civil wars that I have ever witnessed. The sight of ravenous Dawgdales and Griffins tearing at the bloodied corpses was sickening. No amount of salary can compensate for the ravages to my soul [Ed : Piss off. "No amount" is exactly the salary you get.]
Stolen seats reported across the country
By Sofah Sogood, Our Furniture Correspondent
Allegations that the total failure to raise any money to fight election campaigns has caused Nats to turn to theft and handling stolen goods, were angrily denied by SNP sources (round behind The Barras) yesterday.
Nat candidate for the Barras (and associated bits of Glasgow Central), Alison Thewliss, stood up hastily when we arrived to interview her. "Many people here can't afford seats while the Sarwars keep them in the family."
"Proudhon said that 'Property is theft' and I'm simply planning to take back what the rich stole from the people", she declared.
"Every constituent will be entitled to an equal share of time sitting on my bit of the Westminster benches.
A partly political broadcast on behalf of Creepy Jim Morphy
By Yew Choob, our Lyrically Satirical Correspondents
Following the revelation in the latest Ashcroft polls that he may lose his seat to the SNP, Creepy Jim Morphy has released another short video explaining his election strategy.
This is not to be confused with grown-up politics, which is generally quite an important business. And one which professional politicians, at least, normally treat quite seriously.
Mr Morphy, it would appear, is content just having a laugh at the voters' expense(s).
- U-KOK rise again!
- Big Ishoo condemns BBC Scotlandshire reader poll
- Morphy welcomes darkness plague. Tells SNP 'Let my people go'
- Power to the Bathist Insurgency!
- Looming UK energy gap could be 'corked' by Scots Peers
- 'Cash for Questions' scandal engulfs Holyrood
- Blow for SNP as Queen hangs on to the cash
- Labour - "We're fuc*ed in England"
- New Thatcher museum to be located in Dundee
- Two injured as MP Jim Morphy visits Stornoway Airport
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