Power to the Bathist Insurgency!
By Wirral Poole, Our Hot Tub Correspondent
A new threat to world security has arisen, as nationalist forces have seized control of the City of Bath and threaten to make it the capital of a New World Order.
Leader of the Bathist cult, Rev Stookam-Bell, already runs his own set of political parties - the Baathist parties in Syria and Iraq, the Clean Party in the USA, Grande Sud in Italy and TAP in Pakistan.
He also controls the Westminster Bubble (a coalition of Conservative, Labour and Lib Dem politicians in England) as well as the Soaking Naked Party (SNP) in his native Scotlandshire.
Stookam-Bell was, allegedly, a former computer games terrorist called "Gee! Had he? John", due to his sarcastic dismissal of supposed achievements by opponents, and their selective use of evidence.
Transferring that skill set to his ultimate aim of world domination allowed him to create a cadre of fanatical followers, who set out to terrorise Establishment politicians and newspapers with the most foul abuse.
Waving their "Wee Blue Book"s, these KhyberGnats (named after the ferocious wee buggers that infest the Rev's training camp in the Hindu Kush) would attack sensitive editors with vicious diatribes like "The actual achievement was 94.7% - more than double what Labour managed - ya tube."
Had the rabble been better educated, they would have spelt YouTube properly - thus activating the HTML link to their evidential source.
Unsurprisingly, the press have struck back at these attacks on their freedom to publish any shite they want. The Daily Rancid's Mark Givenmaorders went on the offensive - always an easy task for him.
That was, however, just the excuse that Stookam-Bell needed. Knowing full well that, at the kind of parties they went to, the KhyberGnats would be unable to tell the difference between a "nurse" and an "actress", he could whip them into crowdfunding his buyout of the Retard.
Rancid owners, the Troika-Mordor Group based in Canary Wharf, London, said that they would let the whole Group go down the toilet rather than sink to allowing the transfer of power to Bath.
Media expert, Eddie Tore, commented: "I doubt that the Mordor Group can withstand the pressure. So many former Rancid readers have cleaned up their act that the paper has already went doon the cludgie as shown by an 11% drop in sales over the last year.
"Getting forced by IPSO to apologise for telling porkie pies is bad enough, but then doing so by saying it was due either to Rancid staff being too thick to understand what they were told, or blaming it on Iain Gray's confusion, was insane (even though the last reason would be totally believable).
"The paper is doomed, and the KhyberGnats will just use the new urban community buy-out legislation to get the site anyway, so far better to sell it now."
At the eleventh hour (actually at 12:15), the UK Government intervened. "When it comes to the territorial integrity of the United Kingdom, normal rules no longer apply. With immediate effect, Bath Time will be put back by 12 hours so that Stookham-Bell cannot easily communicate with the rats that follow him.
"Additionally, the needs of the Government's propaganda machine are Paramount (failing whom United Artists). In order to support this essential service a Rancid Media Tax will be imposed on all Scotlandshire households to pay for both Jakey Burd and the Daily Rancid. We are indebted to lawyer Ian Smartarse for this proposal."
On behalf of the Scotch Executive, Christian Allard said: "Oui. Ce sera putain correcte!"
Murdar Fraser has contacted us to correct Christian Allard's French. He says: "I have been proved right that no one speaks French - not even the French.
"Proper French people don't do irony so they would say something like 'T'es con ou quoi?' which translates to 'What kind of a fuckwit are you?'"
Wings [spit] : The plot stupids
Due to the huge number of complaints, comments are no longer banned on BBC Scotlandshire News pages.