"I was right about Sturgeon", claims Carmichael as second memo is leaked to BBC

By Lingar N Stingk, our 'Neck like a Pawnbroker's Balls' Correspondent

FluffyDisgraced ex Secretary of State for Portsmouth Alistair Carmichael has claimed to have proof that the memo he leaked before the election about a conversation between the First Minister and the French ambassador was in fact completely accurate.

The beleaguered MP for the Northern Isles says a second Scotland Office memo has corroborated the revelations made in the first, finally proving his innocence in the whole affair.

The new memo, a copy of which was sent to the BBC by an unnamed source in Lerwick, records a whispered moment shared between Nicola Sturgeon and a US journalist during the First Minister's current 'takeover' tour of the USA.

This second memo was penned by the self same civil servant who wrote the original #Frenchgate memo and is a record of a conversation he had with a lip-reading friend who had watched a copy of the interview, hosted illegally on the Cybernat propaganda blog Winge over Scotlandshire.

daily-showThe memo contains a transcript of a whispered conversation between the FM and Jon Stewart, a serious and hard hitting US news journalist, which took place at the end of the interview.

The conversation was inaudible, due to inexplicable applause from the studio audience.

Fortunately, the lip-reader, a member of the Labour party's Fibian Society, was able to faithfully translate the exchange for the civil servant, who then recorded it in a memo to current Scottish Secretary David Mundell.

The SNP has already demanded that the Cabinet Secretary investigates how and by whom the second memo was leaked, and this has been agreed. The results of the costly and wasteful enquiry are expected to be released shortly after the 2020 General Election.

Here is a copy of the memo:


From: [name & job title redacted]

To: The Right Honourable David Mundell MP, Secretary of State for Scotlandshire

Dear Fluffy,

This note is a record of a covert conversation between First Minister Nicola Sturgeon and the host of the Daily Show Jon Stewart.

I know I'm not your boss any longer, but I do think it is vitally important that you are made aware of this transcript.

It is for restricted distribution within the Scotlandshire Office and the Home Office only, and is in no way intended for public release [nod, nod, wink, wink, say no more] ;-).

In addition, none of this material has been lost in transliteration or just made up.

Honest. Would I lie to you?



Stewart: You can tell me, that French letter was true, wasn't it?

Sturgeon: Of course it was. But keep it to yourself. I still have plans to get Charmichael and Mundell kicked out of office so I can increase my election win to Saddam-like proportions.

Stewart: I knew it. So Charmichael was right all along?

Sturgeon: Absolutely. The poor man is the victim in all this. He was just doing his job. Secretly, I feel very sorry for him as he is probably the most able politician of his generation.

Alistair is dangerously smart - and not in the Ian Smart sense. He's also far too popular, handsome and well built. That's why the SNP and I need to destroy him.

Stewart: OK, but I still don't get why did you wanted the Tories to form the government? It doesn't seem to make any sense.

Sturgeon: It's simple. The figures from the highly respected, independent and impartial IFS show a £7.8bn black hole in Scotlandshire's finances which will only get worse as our worthless and burdensome oil reserves dry up. This has put me right off the idea of Full Fiscal Autonomy and even independence itself. Of course, I can't admit this to anyone.

Stewart: Tell me more, First Minister.

Sturgeon: By cynically destroying the perfectly innocent Labour and Libdem parties, and thus helping to get the Tories elected, I made sure that the SNP could continue to demand FFA, safe in the knowledge that the Tories would never grant it. That way I could save both face and the Scottish economy at the same time. How sleekit am I?

Stewart: And what do you really think about Alex Salmond?

Sturgeon: I can't abide big Eck - he's the least sexiest man I know! I hate to admit it, but those #SNpouters on Twitter were absolutely correct about everything.


So there we have it: incontrovertible evidence that Sturgeon was guilty, straight from her own mouth.

This document also proves Alistair Carmichael was innocent and the BBC was wholly justified in plugging the original #Nickyleaks story for days after it had been debunked by everyone present at the Ambassadorial meeting.

UK Government claims BBC is officially biased as f*ck

In other news, the Conservative government has announced they will establish a new impartial adjudicator to ensure the coverage of the EU referendum is scrupulously balanced in their favour.

The new monitor will collect data on the BBC's coverage of events and search for any instances of bias. It will also try to deal with any complaints of biased coverage within 24 hours.

This will be a considerable improvement on the performance of the BBC trust during the Scottish referendum where the median time taken to deal with viewer complaints was almost 3 years.

Prime minister David Cameron said the new watchdog would be essential in stopping vested interests with deep pockets from corrupting the BBC's coverage of the referendum, ensuring there can be no repeats of this despicable example of bias:

Editor's Footnote: BBC Scotlandshire apologises for the jumping section towards the end of the video. Due to withdrawal of license fees, we cannot afford a new needle for our gramophone.

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