Media stunt implicates Scottish Secretary in Nikileaks scandal

By Quentin Limpbiskitt, our MI6 correspondent

nothing to hideDigital enhancement of a photograph of Scottish Secretary Alisdair Carmichael has produced the clearest evidence to date of his involvement in the Nikileaks conspiracy to damage the electoral prospects of the SNP.

The image, taken during a photo-op where Mr Carmichael attempted to distance himself from the leaked 'memo' and to play down its importance, clearly showed a document in his inside pocket.

Through a process known as 'digital super dooperenhancement', which was first demonstrated on the popular US sitcom CSI, the contents of this document have been rendered readable.

The paper appears to be another Scotland Office memo of a similar nature to the Nikileaks document. it was most probably intended as a follow up to the original in case the former was insufficiently damaging to the SNP.

Like the original memo, it features a report of a conversation with the First Minister, but this time comes directly from a Scotland Office civil servant who was actually present at the meeting, ensuring there would be no embarrassing denials from foreign diplomats this time.

The quotes attributed to Ms Sturgeon in this second memo are potentially far more damaging, not to say implausible, than those in the first, leading political opponents and colleagues alike to distance themselves from the document and from Mr Carmichael.

Conservative MP and Scotland Office minister, Paddington Mundell told us: "Flappy has gone too far now. The first memo was a great idea, which sadly backfired on us, but this new one is just idiotic and it's is all down to him.

"It's time to hang Flappy out to dry. It was him who persuaded me to go with those nancy boys at the Foreign Office. He seemed to think he was James F**king Bond. Well they turned out to be a lot more like George Lazenby than Sean Connery, didn't they?

"We should have given it to MI5. They did such a brilliant job for us during the referendum, right up to a fantastic postal vote scam and some epic ballot stuffing to finish off. I should have insisted but, you know, that's not really who I am..."

Scottish Labour leader Jim Morphy said: "OK, we now know the memos were fabricated by the UK state in an attempt to usurp the legitimate democratic votes of the Scottish people, but that doesn't mean they're not true.

"FACT: We all know that the party that tells the biggest lies gets to form the government. It happened in 1924, and it has in every Westminster election since."

Alisdair Carmichael himself was unavailable for comment. A spokesdem said he was 'holidaying' in a subterranean bronze age barrow in his constituency.

[ED: OK, that's quite enough of that. I don't want to see any more reference to this shit being made on air or in the website. Or I'll be having somebody's balls as delicious Easter eggs!]

memo


Related Articles

The Nationalist : Nothing to hide? Carmichael admits memo came from Scotland Office ... but says: 'These things happen'

BBC Scotland (the spoof) : Carmichael: Leaked memo is just one of those things


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