Skittery Cameron abandons key English bill as SNP threaten to vote it down

By Kidd E Fidlur, our Westminster Affairs Correspondent

helmet-metPlans for English Votes on English Laws are in turmoil today as another high profile bill with no obvious impact on Scotland has been abandoned by the Conservative government after SNP MPs threatened to vote it down in the House of Commons.

The policy U-turn by the SNP, who traditionally do not vote on English-only issues, was described by one party source as "Just a wee reminder to the Tories that we're all still here."

The Venerable Gentleman's Grooming (England & Wales) Bill had been intended to retrospectively decriminalise all cases of historic child abuse perpetrated by certain groups of people, including MPs, peers & other aristocrats and high profile employees of the BBC.

A government spokespederast told the BBC he could not understand why the SNP would choose to veto such a bill.

"It was only intended to bring legislation into line with current practice whereby some people, though clearly guilty as hell, will never be brought to justice while they are still alive," he said.

"By legislating to decriminalise these historic misdemeanors, we had hoped to free up valuable resources currently allocated to pretendy police investigations and expensive cover ups. Who could argue with that?

"This issue has only demonstrated once again how the profligate SNP cannot be trusted on the economy."

The newly-appointed SNP spokesnat on legal affairs, Phil McGrievance MP, said: "There is a legitimate Scottish interest here, despite what the Tory government may claim about this Evel bill.

"For example, it is entirely possible that Scottish children could travel to London for a holiday or a school outing.

"If they were to visit Buck House, Broadcasting House or even the Houses of Parliament during their trip, they might easily come into contact with the very people this bill was intended to protect.

"Scottish MPs therefore have every right to vote on this legislation, not only to protect our children but also to stick two fingers up to the Tories."

screamHowever, in a speech delivered today to the Conservative backbenchers of the 1922 committee, Chris Grayling MP (far right) the minister in charge of all things Evel, screamed: "The SNP's meddling in English affairs has now gone far too far!

"Over the summer recess, I will take steps to strengthen the government's Evel proposals, ensuring this sort of undemocratic mischeif making can never happen again.

"This is only fair to the people of England (and sometimes Wales). We have given the Scotch their own parliament in Glasgow and consequently they have no place interfering in ours.

"We are going to freeze those Jock MPs so far out of government they'll be too busy avoiding polar bear attacks to carry on squatting on England's green and pleasant benches".


Related Items

BBC News (the spoof one) : Fox-hunting: SNP forces Cameron to delay planned Commons vote

AyePlayer : Fox-hunting and 'English votes for English laws' - Newsnight

BBC News (the spoof one) : Historical child abuse: Key investigations

The Mirror : Tory child abuse whistleblower: 'I supplied underage rent boys for Margaret Thatcher's cabinet ministers'


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