Scots could be banned from speaking English, warns academic

By Cill E Akzent, our Linguistics Correspondent

meerkatIt is 'highly unlikely' that fUK ministers would agree to enter into a language union with an independent Scotland, warns a leading academic.

In a death blow to Alex Salmond's plans for splitting from Britain, Professor Verbil Skitorz of the Technical University of Bollik, Estonia will warn that Scots will need to adopt their own language if they vote for separation.

“We only allow ze Scotch people to use ze Eenglish because they is part of the UK”, Professor Skitorz will tell a specially invited audience at a U-KOK donors meeting in the Guildhall tomorrow.

“If eet was a Breetish language, eet would not be called Eenglish, right? If ze Scotch peepilz want to keep on speaking eet, they better stay together een ze UK. Seemples. Gedit?”

This view was echoed by the Rt Hon Colonel Sir Lord Twittington Chinless-Arsepus NOB TIT WNKR, Emeritus Chairtory of the House of Lords committee on Pathetic Old Scroungers Happily Trumpetting Westminster's Anger Towards Scots.

Sir Twit told this channel, “The Scotch will wequire a wanguage of theah ewn as they may no wongah be awoud to speak Engwish. That is ouwah wanguage and we see no weason to towewate its use in what wiw be a fowihn cuntwy.

“Peahaps, they could leahn Fwench fwom theah littew fwoggie fwends.”

Scottish Culture Minister Fiona Hyslop MSP denied this was the case, saying, “The English language is as much ours as anyone else's and nobody can prevent Scots from using it.

“Just because it is called 'English' doesn't mean it is literally English, not in a proprietorial sense, any more than the Bank of England is an English bank or the contents of the British Museum are in any way British.

bain“Anyway, it will be hugely beneficial to English tourists and businesses if they can use the same language when they cross the border. And even though London taxi drivers often refuse to accept our accents, they are still a legal form of communication.”

“Remember, Ireland, Australia and New Zealand all spoke English for decades after independence, without asking permission, until they finally adopted languages of their own.

In any case, all this confusion could be ended easily if the Westminster Government would simply ask the English Speaking Union to make a ruling on the use of English by an independent Scotland. As usual, it is London's refusal to definitively rule out a language union which is causing all the uncertainty.”

However, Labour's spokesimpleton on utter negativity Willie Bain MP told us, “ah kan neva unastanem, me. de fahkin jocks don evun speek ingalish rat naow. Chipy plonkahs!

“fahkem, a say, fahkem. let 'em tok Scotch or Garlik or Jokinese if dey laik. but dey still aff 2 lern propa ingalish 4 wen they kam dahn sarf, innit? An wot eva dey say - we do da opasit. LOL.

The Governor of the English Speaking Union Mark Canny said simply, “Good grief! Whatever. Eh?”


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