Blow for SNP as Queen hangs on to the cash
By Neil Down, Our Royal Correspondent
UKIP supporters were jubilant, as Her Majesty stuck two fingers up to grasping Nat MSP, Mark McDonald.
Candidates broke into a spontaneous version of the highly appropriate "Time Warp" as they heard the news. 
McDonald had relished the UKIP announcement that they were to put up candidates in (if not actually contest) all 59 Scotch constituencies, jeering "Good of UKIP to make a significant cash donation to Scotland by way of multiple lost deposits. Cheers guys."
UKIP leader, Niggle Forage, sent a triumphant message via superfast broad beaked carrier pigeon to his candidates in the Far North, having previously failed to communicate via the planned video link through being unable to connect the UKIP laptop to the venue's sounding system that had a foreign sounding brand name.
It read, "HM purred and sends best wishes. Balmoral staff will vote UKIP or get evicted. Go back to your constituencies (once I tell you where you are standing) and prepare for Government. It won't be a UKIP Government but, at least, Sturgeon won't be running it!
"When If you lose your deposit, you will have done your duty to the Queen. All forfeited deposits go directly to her, and not to governments - who would just waste it on vanity projects and spongeing layabouts."
In a shock announcement, David Coburn MEP announced that he would no longer stand aginst El Supremo Salmond in Gordon.
"Not only is Falkirk nearer to the Edinburgh flat I stay in while in these nasty climes, the constituency previously elected a drunken buffoon, so I have an excellent chance of total victory", said Coburn.
In his place, 26 year old Aberdeen nurse, Emily Santos, is to stand in Gordon. In a spectacular first for political campaign Santos has vowed to remain entirely mute until 8 May.
Despite her minder urging her to remember: "Words - use your words", Santos wisely chose to look less of a fool by remaining silent.
My sources tell me that Her Majesty has sent a message of congratulations to a Mr W Rennie for his sterling work in ensuring that her private purse will be hugely boosted by contributions from the Lib Dems in Scotlandshire on May 8th.
Meanwhile, another cash raising scheme from a Nat has also hit the buffers.
Strapped for cash to pay the Road Tax and MOT for the Maggiemobile, Jim Sillars tried to extort an annual contribution from "Creepy" Jim Morphy for unauthorised use of his trademarked brand name "Scottish Labour Party".
However, legal expert "Fingers" Ian Smartarse (357 charges, no convictions) pointed out that the law allowed any party to add the word "Scottish" before their name on a ballot paper. Only if Morphy ran candidates under the label of "Scottish Scottish Labour Party" would Sillars' copyright be infringed.
Additionally, Smartarse added: "It is typical of the Nazis that they are so unpatriotic that they won't add 'Scottish' to their name, like all the Unionists do. Unless the Natz run under the name 'Scottish Scottish National Party' then they are clearly concealing their true identity as the German Socialist Workers Party."
"Point to me!" chuckled Smartarse. "Can I have another drink now, Nurse?"
 This caption on the photo is the copyright of @WellingtonCone. If he wants to try and sue us, the Chooky Wellington's head will be removed and sent to the Tower.
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