SNP MPs to face privatisation, vows Cameron
By Major Colon Isst, our Resident EVAL Correspondent
All 56 SNP members of parliament are to be sold by online auction as part of the Conservative government's plans for English Votes for English Laws, it has been revealed.
Government ministers say that planned changes to the parliament's standing orders mean the Scottish MPs now serve no useful purpose in the Westminster parliament and will be privatised as a cost cutting measure.
We spoke to Sir Scott Frie-Fiddler MP, a member of the committee which proposed the new rules, and asked him why they now consider the Scotch MPs to be supernumerary.
"It emerged when we were looking at how best to man the Scotland office," he told us. "We noticed that we could run Scotlandshire quite effectively with just one Tory MP and an assistant.
"It turned out we didn't even need a Limp Dem for the assistant's job, we just stuck one of our friends into the House of Lords, et voila! A full colonial administration. Takes you back a bit, eh, what.
"Then we set up some Jock called Ian Murray as the official opposition and the structure was complete.
"Of course, Alistair Carmichael is still hanging around like a cheesy fart, but he'll be off as soon as we settle on a price for keeping Fluffy Mundell out of the frame, so to speak.
"So, as you can see, there is no real need for any SNP MPs at all. Everything works just fine without them and much more smoothly to be frank.
"Lets face it, we ran most of the world this way for a couple of centuries. And we could count on the support of a few 'helpful' Scotch then too. We know what we're doing."
We also spoke with Maggie Throup, the Conservative MP for Ersewash, who has just been appointed to the Scottish Affairs Committee. She told us: "We don't actually need any Scotch MPs on this committee.
"In the last parliament there were no Tory MPs available, so we just stuffed it co-opted some English Tories to fill in the gaps.
"The job of the select committee, after all, is to ensure legislation which might be helpful to the Scottish Assembly is spotted early and amended. Those English members did an admirable job in that respect, particularly during the referendum on separation.
"Now we have no Labour MPs either, so we've just brought in a few from England again. That means English MPs now form a large majority of the Scottish Affairs committee.
"Which begs the question, why do we need any Scotch MPs at all? Well, it appears we don't.
"They'll always be voted down by the English members, just like they are in the chamber, so we might as well not have them there in the first place. It makes perfect sense.
"Some natz have complained, of course, claiming I won't be sympathetic to their needs as I'm a prominent campaigner for Evel. But that's just ridiculous!
"I have two beautiful border collies at home, Lassie and Jock, and I love them dearly. So, to say I don't understand Scotlandshire and the Scotch is just plain stupid."
We contacted John Bercow, the Speaker of the House, who will administer the privatisation of the Scottish MPs. We asked him why the decision to auction off the Nationalists had been taken.
"Once we discovered we could run the colony Scotlandshire effectively without any SNP involvement, it was the next logical step," he told us.
"It will be my job to exclude the nationalists from voting on anything important, and that will be simplified if they are not there in the first place.
"The truth is, the SNP are becoming quite troublesome and refusing to accept the whip, rather like my own good lady wife actually, so we would all prefer to see the back of them.
"They make debates last far too long by insisting to speak in every one of them, even though their input will always be ignored and their amendments voted down. This just clogs up the machinery of government for no discernable purpose.
"They also keep turning up to the chamber en masse in a most unparliamentary manner, taking up valuable places and damaging the reputations of the other parties.
"They are, however, a remarkably talented and capable group of individuals in the main, so we decided the best solution was to auction them off to local businesses.
"I'm sure that a number of our donor corporations will be happy to find a home for the useful ones, and Tommy Sheppard can always go back to standup.
"Anyway, the government is convinced that getting rid of the troublesome natz will ultimately strengthen the Union, and that's what all of us want, isn't it?
"So sticking the lot of them on eBay it is, then."
A spokesnat from the Scottish Government refused to comment, saying only, "Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake complete arse of himself. Mwahaha!"
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