Bringing you ludicrous, spurious and ill-conceived Scottish stories from Atlantic Quay.
Any similarity to other terminally biased national broadcasters is entirely unfortunate.
Unruly SNP 'yobbos' ruin historic Queen's speech
By Nickerless Witch-Hell, Our Royal Toadying Correspondent
The first Conservative Queen's speech to be put forward in almost 20 years had been 'castrated' by scheming SNP MPs, claims one Conservative grandee today.
The speech, which outlined the government's legislative programme for the next year, was widely expected to include bills on two of the Tories' favourite subjects. Those were: the repeal of the fox hunting ban and the repeal of the 1998 Human Rights Act.
However, to the obvious shocked dismay of both Tory backbenchers and BBC journalists alike, neither of these two flagship Conservative policies were included in Her Majesty's speech.
In fact, there was no reference whatever to fox hunting, and a brief reference to consultation on the issue of ending human rights.
The decline and fall of the No-man's empire
In the crescents of Edinburgh's new Georgian village,
as the SNP's fortunes still surged on,
the new French Ambassador came to Bute House
to confer with First Minister Sturgeon.
The French Consul General sat in the meeting
to capture the gist of discussion.
He minuted everything worthy of note
in the usual time-honoured fashion.
Then that afternoon the same French diplomat
phoned an unnamed, obscure civil servant
who, while he works secretly for MI5,
is based up here in Melville Crescent.
Shades of Black II: Mhairi's second week at Westminster
By Mhairi Black MP, The most photographed new MP in over 300 years
This week we continue our serialisation of the diaries of Mhairi Black MP as she carves out her role in the Westminster parliament.
Throughout most of this week, Mhairi has also been sharing her thoughts and experiences with the public through her Twitter account, @MhairisDiaries.
Sadly, Twitter suspended this account on Thursday morning following a complaint from a Mr D Alexander of Kensington.
The complainant had asserted that: "Since the idea of a 20 year old student from Paisley taking an ultra safe seat from the shadow Foreign Secretary is so utterly preposterous, the account must surely be guilty of 'impersonation'."
Polling disaster – “It wisnae me”, says Poultice
By Prof John Poultice, the World’s only Bean Counter
Thank you for all your letters of concern after my apparent breakdown on BBC Scotlandshire’s 24 minute marathon election results coverage.
I have now recovered, and been able to analyse and explain away the apparent discrepancies between our poll on ex-SLAB voting intentions, and what the rest of the world is pleased to call “reality”.
We asked “As the Unionist parties Morph into a single blur, former SLab voters are now free to indulge their secret fantasies and vote for any label of their choice. Would you vote – “
Unfortunately, due to a technical oversight, the first possible answer to “Would you vote?” was omitted. That answer was of course, “Not on your f**king life!”
Journalistic standards fall still further at the Times
By Kenny McQuarrell, Director General of BBC Scotlandshire
Editing standards in Rupert Murdoch's newspaper empire have fallen to a new nadir as the Times attributes the publication of new SNP MP Mhairi Black's Westminster diaries to the wrong television station.
BBC Scotlandshire this week began to serialise Ms Black's diaries, publishing the initial entries of her journal on its award-winning website on Thursday.
The youngest ever UK MP, Miss Black has now launched a new Twitter account, @MhairisDiaries, to further document her experiences and observations as she and most of her 55 colleagues find their feet in 'the mother of all parliaments'.
However in a piece in Saturday's edition of the Times of London, while correctly attributing authorship of the diaries to the MP, the once-respected newspaper claimed that the diaries had been published by old-media channel BBC Scotland(sic) rather than BBC Scotlandshire (see image above).
Shades of Black: Mhairi's first days at Westminster
By Mhairi Black MP, Slayer of Wee Duggie Alexander
Mhairi Black, the UK's youngest ever MP, claimed the SNP's most remarkable scalp north of the border and is poised to become one of Westminster's best known parliamentarians.
Last Thursday Miss Black took Paisley and Renfrewshire South from Douglas Alexander with a 27% swing from Labour to the SNP.
In a BBC Scotlandshire exclusive, Mhairi Black has agreed to write about the big moments from her early days as a Westminster MP.
This will be the first time a new MP will have chronicled their experiences of joining colleagues in the Palace of Westminster in real time.
Following this initial broadcast, the diaries of Mhairi Black MP will continue on Twitter.
We hope also to bring you periodic updates on the BBC.
Ian Murray to lead Scottish Labour – sometime soon
By Dinn A Gerrit-Yette, our Scottish Labour Strategy Correspondent
Ian Murray MP for Edinburgh South has been chosen to replace Jim Murphy (not an MP) as leader of the Labour party in Scotlandshire.
The Edinburgh MP was the first choice for Labour members and MSPs and received the unanimous support of the Westminster parliamentary group, something no other MP has ever managed to do.
Mr Murray told this channel: "It was important that the new leader was an MP as he or she will need to keep a tight reign on the parliamentary group while they resist the new group of SNP MPs.
"As the only member of that group, I was clearly in the best position to ensure party discipline.
"In the early hours of Friday morning I imagined another MP as my deputy but events intervened. Now it seems, like Jim, I will be shadowed by one of the Z-list Holyrooders."
Police seek 'burly men' in Annan polling scandal
By Tori Fibbur, our Irresponsible Dissembler Correspondent
Police in Dumfriesshire are calling for public support to find a group of 'burly men' who were reported as having harassed voters in front of a polling station in Annan.
The complaint was made by Scottish Conservative leader Ruth Davidson (the niece of recently retired chairchoob Ian Davidson MP), who was apparently less than 120 miles from the scene.
In a tweet, she claimed, "Disturbing reports of people being turned away from an Annan polling station by burly blokes if they say they don't support a certain party".
She was then challenged as to whether the police had been called, or if she had "just made it up", and responded: "We are contacting the relevant personnel".
Ms Davidson appeared exhausted following a very busy fortnight organising the illegal sampling of postal votes from inside her 'tactical voting tank', a process which insiders say has left her increasingly frustrated and depressed.
The terrible postal results may go some way to explain her accusation of electoral interference, which has been described by one activist on social media as "a total fucking lie, by the way" and by another as "...the most irresponsible act by any party leader since Jeremy Thorpe".
Scots MPs should be seen but not heard, says Cameron
By May D Tollup, our (unpublished) Constitutional Correspondent
David Cameron has said that MPs representing Scottish constituencies should be "seen but not heard" in the next Westminster parliament.
In a speech to non-dom party donors and Daily Mail editors, filmed by the BBC, the Prime Minister said that Scottish MPs must not be allowed to take part in the business of the parliament, but should instead be welcomed as 'observers'.
He said: "We understand from our esteemed and very well-heeled colleague Lord Ashcroft that the vast majority of Scots members will represent the Scottish Nationalist Party after this election.
Tory election plan ruined as Royal Baby II found to be Scottish
By Emma Reel-Toadie OBE WAN, our Royal Affairs Correspondent
Plans to deliver a Royal baby to an expectant nation just days before the General Election have been brought to a premature end as DNA tests show Kate's new daughter to be Scottish.
The Conservatives had organised a chemically-induced delay in the Royal parturition to provide maximum impact in the election. Millions were expected to vote to return David Cameron as patriotic fervour gripped the British nation just days before the vote.
But these plans were set back when a last-minute DNA test – now standard for all Royal births since the arrival of Prince Harry – revealed the Royal baby to be half Scottish, on her father's side.
"This is a constitutional disaster!", writes Home Secretary Theresa May in the TeleTorygraph. "We can't have a Scot in line for the Throne of England. It would be unthinkable. Possibly the worst crisis since James VI failed to abdicate."
Kate herself was apologetic. "One knows One has let everyone down, and One wishes to apologise for that. But One hopes and trusts the common people will understand the circumstances which led One to this constitutional whatsit, yah.
- SNP worse than dodgy King, says Home Secretary
- Labour in Scotlandshire to launch new Committee On Satirical Activities
- Farage interview on UK Politics plagued by delays
- Police seek saboteur of Lib Dem battle bus
- Ed Miliband defends Project Fear II to Anne Drumar
- Enquiry seeks source of leaked BBC documentary
- Oil find in Dorset 'a terrible burden' says Treasury chief
- Media stunt implicates Scottish Secretary in Nikileaks scandal
- Election 2015: Jim Morphy denies 'preferring Cameron'
- Play Electoral Pacman in the streets of Stornoway
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