Twitter crimez of the evil Cybernatz exposed!
By M Aye Fyffe, our National Security Consultant
The BBC has been passed a file containing a large number of rude and even disrespectful comments pertaining to various Unionist politicians.
The dossier, which was compiled by the Labour Party in Scotlandshire, is under embargo until tomorrow (Sunday). However, as the BBC is well known for being ahead of its time, we have decided to publish it today.
In its 51 pages, the document chronicles some of the most vile and despicable statements ever made on social media. These were all penned by Yes supporting members of the SNP, under the personal direction of ex-leader Alex Salmond.
Incredibly and undeservingly, the abuse is mainly aimed at Scottish Labour politicians and their friends in other parties, such as the leaders of the Scottish Conservatives and UKIP.
We spoke to Blare McDonut, the man who initiated Project Smear and who was responsible (behind the scene) for Labour's recent electoral success in Scotlandshire.
It was Blare, in a moment of genius, who suggested traducing the reputation of an SNP candidate by lying about his Twitter history, thus allowing SLab to retain up to one of their forty-one MPs.
McDonut told us: "Having lost all self-respect during the referendum campaign, then all political influence in the subsequent election, we felt a moral responsibility to expose the behaviour of these dreaded cybernats, for it is they, and they alone, who are to blame for our decline.
"We spent months trawling the internet histories of suspected SNP members. [Shouldn't that be 'trolling'? ED] This dossier contains the fruits of those labours – some of the most disgusting language ever seen on social media.
"Indeed, several of the vile individuals have been included for insinuating, or even stating outright, that I am overweight. Anyone looking at my image on the right will see that I am simply 'big boned'. This cannot be allowed to continue unchallenged.
"As has been stated time after time by Scottish Labour spokesmen and women, the SNP are a shower of Nazis. It is therefore appropriate that we use Nazi tactics against them.
"That is why we have begun to attack private individuals for their political views, exposing them to 'monstering' in the right-wing press. Our plan is to 'other' the Cybernats until they are afraid to use social media.
"It is also why we chose the Daily Mail, a paper with a history of supporting fascism and of ruining the lives of private citizens for both monetary gain and political propaganda.
"To all SNP voters and Yes supporters, I say this. We are watching you and we will get you. No one is safe."
We also spoke to John McTearwan, another hugely successful SLab spin-doctor, who said: "Of course, we turned up many thousands more names than we could include in the dossier, mainly as these people had never said anything remotely rude online.
"They were mainly pensioners, housewives and members of other equally radical groups.
"Labour no longer has access to the security services, unfortunately, and there is no cash left in the kitty either, so there was nothing we could do with these names.
"Consequently, we sent them to Gideon Osborne III, who helpfully passed them to GCHQ. Now these people are being greeted by porn videos when they open their Facebook accounts each morning.
"That'll teach them to use social media as such a successful campaigning tool against us and our glorious Union. They'll wish they had stuck to eating their cereal instead!"
A spokesnat for the SNP told us: "SNP supporters may be good at using social media, but they are amateurs when it comes to abusing or threatening political figures. Take a look at how the masters do their work.
"Tellingly, many of the people 'outed' in Labour's latest dodgy dossier are ex-Labour members and supporters who have recently joined the SNP in disgust at their old party.
"Most of these neonatez seem to have been included for using the word 'traitor', despite having learned to use this word to describe political opponents by singing 'The Red Flag' at the end of Labour party conferences. [Can we say that? Shouldn't we be using 'tractor'? ED]
"Here is the chorus:
Then raise the scarlet standard high.
Within its shade we'll live and die,
Though cowards flinch and traitors sneer,
We'll keep the red flag flying here.
"To be fair to Labour, they did rewrite the opening verse as part of Tony Blair's New Labour modernisation programme, and it now begins like this:
The working class can kiss my arse.
I've got the MP's job at last.
The BBC understands that this verse will be dropped from future SLab conferences in respect for the 40 who fell in May.
The death of so many political careers in a single campaign will not be forgotten soon.
In other news, Scotland's giant stinking 'corpse flower' may be about to bloom for the first time. SLab supporters take note.
You can download a copy of the dossier here.
CAUTION: viewer discretion required due to very strong language and graphic descriptions of scrotal abcesses. May contain Nuts.
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Due to the huge number of complaints, comments are no longer banned on BBC Scotlandshire News pages.