Orangemen are 'a race apart' claims Supreme Salamander of Scotlandshire

By Flegg Kerrier, our Oppressed Ethnic Minorities Correspondent

George-SquareThe most senior officer of the Orange Order in Scotlandshire has claimed that Orangemen are an ethnic minority, different from other Scots, and must be given special treatment as a consequence.

The Supreme Salamander's claims came as a petition was signed by 20,000 Glaswegians who are protesting against the GCC's plans for Orangefest.

The Orange order is planning a day of solidarity with other oppressed religious minorities and political movements from across the world, which will see tens of thousands descend on Glasgow city centre this Saturday.

The only way is Orange

Delegations and bands from other groups such as the Klu Klux Klan, English Defence League and the Boys from Brazil will also be present in what is expected to be a day of international goodwill and party songs.

Police Scotlandshire say the numbers attending will actually be limited to a few hundred genuine nutters, but expect their numbers to be swelled on the day by an estimated 100 'marshals' for each bigot who attends.

Local bars, restaurants and shops will be closed and boarded up as a precaution in case 'youthful high spirits' and 'friendly banter' should erupt, as was the case in last September's 'Battle of Britnat' in George Square.

Oranges are the only fruit

early-orangeWe asked professor John Poultice of Strathclyde University, Scotland's leading nedologist, if the Supreme Salamander's claim that Orangemen were a separate ethnic group was justifiable.

He told us: "Frankly, it is. The Orangemen evolved on the West coast of the North American continent in a region which is known today as Orange County.

"Having had no contact with other humans throughout their history, they were known to themselves simply as 'the Peepul'. At that time they were still unaware of their Orangeness as they had yet to meet anyone of another colour.

"For untold millennia the the Peepul lived peacefully on nuts and berries, practicing their music and marching up and down in appeasement of their Gods, who were called Oorfaither , Kingbilly, Orangina and Hurmadge.

The undiluted history

"Then the white man came to California and the lives of the Peepul were changed forever.

"At first they were simply wary of their new neighbours, but soon the became resentful and began to bear arms against them.

They fashioned crude short arrows which they would blow from their flutes while others issued their battlecry: 'WEE ARRA PEEPUL. WEE ARRA PEEPUL.'

"Because they were a different colour, they were taunted by the white man. Terms of racial abuse such as Jaffa cake, tangerine boy and marchmonkey were commonly heard and anger among the Peepul grew.

"Eventually, following years of increasingly violent resentment, the Peepul decided to leave their tribal home and head out to sea. They constructed simple rafts they made from bass drums which they sashed together with elements of their national dress worn by their ancestors.

The future's bright - the future's orange

Orangeman-march"After many years and countless adventures, those who survived the journey washed up on the beaches of Northern Ireland and Southwest Scotlandshire.

"There they formed little enclaves amongst the natives where they could keep alive those traditions which collectively they called the 'Kulchur'.

"For a time, they were happy. Some of their number even achieved high office and the Kulchur prospered.

"New phrases, orange phrases. entered the language of their adopted country. Joabsfurraboays, 'No Sir - end her', whitskooldidyegotae and gerritrightupyeyasnpkunt all have their origins in the Peepul's ancient patois, known as Proddy.

Decline and Fall

"But over time, and like so many oppressed peoples before them, unemployement, lack of education, alcohol and their bitter and unabating hatred of their neighbours overcame the tribesmen.

"Their numbers dwindled and the Kulchur became a source of annoyance or derision rather than fear. This, then, was the end of the marching route for the Peepul.

"As a desperate lifeline, the good and altruistic Labour councillors of the City Chambers created Orangefest in an attempt to keep the last embers of the Kulchur alive, and we can only hope they will succeed.

"But, for many, the days of the Peepul are already past and Orangefest is simply the final Hurrah, Hurrah, we arra..."

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