Unruly SNP 'yobbos' ruin historic Queen's speech
By Nickerless Witch-Hell, Our Royal Toadying Correspondent
The first Conservative Queen's speech to be put forward in almost 20 years had been 'castrated' by scheming SNP MPs, claims one Conservative grandee today.
The speech, which outlined the government's legislative programme for the next year, was widely expected to include bills on two of the Tories' favourite subjects. Those were: the repeal of the fox hunting ban and the repeal of the 1998 Human Rights Act.
However, to the obvious shocked dismay of both Tory backbenchers and BBC journalists alike, neither of these two flagship Conservative policies were included in Her Majesty's speech.
In fact, there was no reference whatever to fox hunting, and a brief reference to consultation on the issue of ending human rights.
And all because of mischief making by out-of-control MPs from the Scottish Nationalist Party who have been stirring up trouble since entering parliament just two weeks ago.
Sir Damien Trumpington-Molester, Conservative MP for Harrow & Scare, told this reporter: "We expected bills on both of those issues to be included in today's speech. I and many of my colleagues were dismayed to discover they had been shelved and we all blame the '56-group' of SNP members for this.
"They should have taken no interest in the restoration of hunting with hounds as it is a purely English matter. Yet, by refusing to say whether they would vote or not, they caused such confusion amongst party managers that the measure was dropped.
"However, their behaviour on the Human Rights Act was even more reprehensible as they have been actively seeking out allies among Tory members, mainly those from a legal background who are naturally quite keen to keep the act in place.
"This is despite the Act, while technically affecting Scotlandshire, has no impact on its people. This is because, in common with their sorry gang of MPs, the Scots are not really considered to be human at all, rather like the poor, the sick and the disabled.
"The proper term for these sort of people, after 30 odd years of dehumanisation by red and blue Tories, is 'dehuman'.
"And dehumans don't deserve human rights, do they?"
Following the speech, Pete Wishart of the SNP tweeted: "2 down, 21 to go! #SexySocialism strikes again."
Even Her Majesty appeared unimpressed with the speech this year. One republican Nat was heard to quip: "She looked bored out her tits."
Mr Speaker was forced to tick off the SNP MPs for their unparliamentary use of applause: "It has long been a convention of this place not to clap.
"The acceptable forms of behaviour are braying, howling, pointing, mooning, willie waving, bobbing up and down and skelping your order papers off the heads of other honourable members.
"This unparliamentary behaviour must cease or I will be forced to ask the Sergeant at Arms to dehaggis the chamber by removing all Honourable members sporting unconstitutional white roses."
The 56 strong SNP group responded by making Jazz hands.
A Labour spokestory complained: "They've adopted our policies, they've stolen our heartland constituencies, they're after our seats in the chamber and now they've started Tipexing our beloved Red Rose.
"Good old British democracy, the best in the world, is under attack from this narrow nationalism."
Labour's Dennis Skinner (right) returned to his seat in the Commons and set about writing his unscripted interruption to next year's Queen's speech.
All the time he was complaining he had been denied the time to write this year's off-the-cuff quip by the SNP's childish 'arsegate' shenanigans.
Then he asked where his pudding was.
Ponytail-sporting MP Chris Law (pictured above) sat down beside the 85 year old Labour MP, and farted.
Loudly and effectively.
Dennis was unmoved.
The TeleTorygraph : Dennis Skinner: SNP battle left me too tired to heckle during Queen's Speech
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