Shades of Black II: Mhairi's second week at Westminster
By Mhairi Black MP, The most photographed new MP in over 300 years
This week we continue our serialisation of the diaries of Mhairi Black MP as she carves out her role in the Westminster parliament.
Throughout most of this week, Mhairi has also been sharing her thoughts and experiences with the public through her Twitter account, @MhairisDiaries.
Sadly, Twitter suspended this account on Thursday morning following a complaint from a Mr D Alexander of Kensington.
The complainant had asserted that: "Since the idea of a 20 year old student from Paisley taking an ultra safe seat from the shadow Foreign Secretary is so utterly preposterous, the account must surely be guilty of 'impersonation'."
The Times ay Lundin quotes ma last diaries and says thur fae the spoof BBC! That's awfy journalism fae they numpties. Surely they knaw a widnae gie thon biased wee joke ay a TV channel the time ay day.
Maw n Da ur pure anglin fur sumthin but gie thum enuff rope n aw that. Thur goin oan aboot me bein unner Westminster rulez noo. Where ur thay gaun wi this?
Aye right! Noo thur suggestin ah haun ower ma paypacket an they'll gimme poakit-money back. Haud oan, thur awready dippin ma poakits fur dig money, an noo they're pullin th' breeks right aff me.
Howz that fair, ay? Whit self-respectin grown-up wid evvur agree tae a mingin arrangement like that?
Up awfy early. Ma Da sez he isnae a taxi an Ah huv tae fin' some ither bugger tae gie me a lift tae Glesga Airport. Left me pure runnin aboot like a heidless chicken. Gied Philippa a buzz to cadge a lift aff her - 20 minutes later she rolls up tae the close. Pure saviour oor Philly.
Westmidden wis pure hoachin the day. Wis sat richt ahint thon pretendy Labour high heid yin durin the ceremony tae pick which wee Tory tumshie goat to sit in the big seat doon the front. Wis sae close tae Cameron that ah cuid pure taste the reek ay his eftershave: Eau de Tory gobshite.
Ah hid a wee fly kip when thon glaikit Tory laddie wis showin' aff his aristopratic roots. Wis woken up when wee Ongus, the wan fae Barra thit's awfy keen oan sheep, pure holler't: "Whurs yer Nanny?" Ma pal Carol Monaghan, oar as we've goat to ken her "Yes Miss", goat hum telt to stiy ahint fur a punishment exercise.
Bye the bye, Ah sussed a wee trick tae remembur the Tory dobber's name: Jacob as in' crackers and Rees-Mogg as in sae posh that he'd take a wee donder intae the Tartan Rose but widnae come back oot again.
Up at the crack o' dawn tae go oan the telly wae Lorraine Kelly. Dead excitit! Wunner if she knaws big Chris Law wae thaim baith comin fae Dundee - Of course she does, they aw knaw 'The Lawman'.
Right. That's the tough yin oot ay the wiy. Noo bring me Paxman.
Dr Paul Monaghan hud a right laff at naebody wantin the pile ay Daily Records lyin in the corridor. But whit he didnae tell ye wis he smears thum aw wae dug shite ev'ry day, so he dis. Better naw let him catch ya wae onything but a National oar a Sunday Herald in yer mit.
Spent an oor in the library preparin fur ma sweerin in the moarra. Ah've been goan back through aw ma auld tweets lookin fur inspiration. Ah'd forgotten how much good sweerin material thur wus in there.
Jist fun oot ye kin take the oath in Cornish! Mibbe gonnae dae that tae show solidarity wi the 'formerly English Cornish Kingdom' fECK. (We say 'at in Paisley as weel!)
Clocked Theresa May wi a coapy ay George Orwell's 1984 in hur haunbag. Been telt to haud ma wheesht aboot it bein a Tory stra'ajay paper.
Jings! Nearly screwed up ma sweerin in. When Ah hud finished readin it oot, the wummin said it was aw right fur me tae take it in Scots, but thit Ah hud tae dae it in Inglish furst. Cheeky cow!
Turns oot thon Ronnie Cowan is a right geek. He declar't in Klingon while daein the Vulcan salute.
An Ah wus pure howlin when Hannah Bardell hud to retake the oath cause she referred tae the Queen as Auld Betty Windsor.
Michael Gove hid his legs crossed instead ay his fingers. Turns oot The Lawman and his Nat mates wur sittin oan the cludgies readin this week's Holyrood Magazine an widnae let the wee chanty wrastler relieve humself! Looks like "The Clash of the Cludgies" hus stairtit.
Ah'm pure luvvin the Bahookie Wars, by the way. Whae's the #WeeRebelAlliance noo ya Nyoo Labour bampots? Lawman sits doon next tae Dennis Skinner an says tae Ongus MacNeil: "This is not the 'droid you are looking for".
Sumbuddy said Rory Stewart his signed the #TakeUswithYouScotland petition. That wye he kin mibbe find his loast 'Middleland'. Takes aw kinds.
Jist been chattin wi the canteen staff. Wee Meg's bin lettin me in oan a few secrets. Ye widnae credit some o' the stuff they pit in the Tories' denners! Fair gied me the dry boak an pit me right aff ma piece n chips.
She's gonnae gie me the nod oan whit food is clean an whit isnae. Wee Meg is pure sound, so she is, sound as a pound.
Tried tae tweet ma diary an fun oot ma account hud been suspendit! Whit's goin oan? Burd fae twitter says they cannae tell if this is the real wan or if it's the wan oan the Herald.
A hud a wee rammy wi hur oan the phone and then she says: "Ok yah. Now I've heahd you speak the Hewald newspapah diawies Cleahly sound nothing like you. So we'll twy to get youah Twittah diawies back on line just as soon as we possibly cahn."
True story troops. Jist fun oot the Speaker hus this Necromancer dobber chewin his ear aff aw the time – giein it pure Lundin this, Lundin that! He's caud the City remembrancer an it's no jist him oan his ain, eether. He's goat a huge staff ay other Necromancers an loads ay Lundin yuppie cash tae splash – an aw jist tae make sure the City ay Lundin aywis gets whatever it wants.
So how come Scotlandshire disnae get wan ay they Necromancer teams ay its ain? A Scoatish National remembrancer, mibbe. Ah think youse'll aw be hearin loads mair fae me aboot this remembrancer chancer.
The night oan telly, some Tory wummin oan BBC Question Time telt the wurld that Jim Murphy wus a Tory aw along - but ye proablay awready kent that.
Awfy impress't wi this wee lassie who wrote that she wis worried aboot her school friends eatin, and no aboot huvvin school friends fae Eton. Ma youngest MP record might be in danger fae this wan.
Back hame fur the weekend at last but thur's nae rest fur the wicked. Ah've still goat ma last couple ay shifts at the chippy tae dae while Ah wurk oot ma notice.
Well, even Ah didnae really expect tae win the seat until it actually happened. Naebuddy did.
Huff Post Politics : Jacob Rees-Mogg On His Nanny's 'Sound Politics' And His 'Lefty' Sisters
Wikipedia : City remembrancer
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