News from St Andrews that didn't happen

By Nemo Flounder, Our Fishy Brexit correspondent.

First Minister exits ministerial car in St Andrews

The normally quiet seaside town of St Andrews faced an existential crisis earlier today when local residents witnessed a young woman, who was brought up in an Ayrshire council scheme, stepping out of a Scottish Government ministerial vehicle. Confusion reigned for two hours, sending posh residents into a frenzied grab for their comforter copies of Tattler and Town and Country.

Police Scotlandshire confirmed an influx of calls from concerned residents reporting a possible stolen vehicle being dumped in the East Sands area of St Andrews.

Fears were allayed when BBC Scotlandshire reported the incident was simply the First Minister of Scotlandshire, in her best frock and high heels, trundling into town for a ceremony at St Andrews University.

Opening the new £16.5 million Scottish Oceans Institute, the First Minister Nicola Sturgeon said: “St Andrews has an excellent reputation for world class research and developing international collaborations.

“The Scottish Oceans Institute very much helps reinforce that reputation and its work on marine science will help ensure that our marine environment continues to be well managed while sharing learning and best practice.”

Professor Wilbur Candiru, a visiting marine biologist who’d been over-appreciating the Bucks Fizz cocktails, commented: “They’re going to need a boatload of international students, especially from England, to pay the mortgage instalments on this place.”

In a surreal moment, Willie Rennie, the Liberal Democrat leader in Scotlandshire and local MSP, was overheard asking one of the Institute’s oceanographers: “Can sharks with lasers attached to their heads really be trained to seek and neutralise Nats?”

Mr Rennie was last seen heading towards the piranha tank wearing nothing more than a pair of Speedos, a nose clip and a set of swimming goggles.

The Freee Stephen Gethins Cybernats

A dishevelled ragtag band of Cybernat separatists gathered along from the venue to protest for the safe return of Stephen Gethins. The group has been campaigning for the immediate release of the North East Fife MP since his unlawful detention by the English Parliament way back in May 2015.

Self-appointed spokesnat Caroline MacSwanalong threatened: “Release our Stephen NOW or Jo Swinson will be permanently sent to live and work in Bath.”

We Report the News They Refuse to Cover

According to the #fakenews BBC Scotland channel across the Clyde, and other mainstream broadcasters, nothing happened today in St Andrews. However, BBC Scotlandshire was there to witness the news they won't report.

The separatist might have silenced the fake BBC who operate on the other side of the Clyde but BBC Scotlandshire staffers will not be foiled when we have a Union to save and a Brexit to help deliver by October 31st.

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