Bringing you ludicrous, spurious and ill-conceived Scottish stories from Atlantic Quay.
Any similarity to other terminally biased national broadcasters is entirely unfortunate.

Tory election plan ruined as Royal Baby II found to be Scottish

By Emma Reel-Toadie OBE WAN, our Royal Affairs Correspondent

royalbabyPlans to deliver a Royal baby to an expectant nation just days before the General Election have been brought to a premature end as DNA tests show Kate's new daughter to be Scottish.

The Conservatives had organised a chemically-induced delay in the Royal parturition to provide maximum impact in the election. Millions were expected to vote to return David Cameron as patriotic fervour gripped the British nation just days before the vote.

But these plans were set back when a last-minute DNA test – now standard for all Royal births since the arrival of Prince Harry – revealed the Royal baby to be half Scottish, on her father's side.

"This is a constitutional disaster!", writes Home Secretary Theresa May in the TeleTorygraph. "We can't have a Scot in line for the Throne of England. It would be unthinkable. Possibly the worst crisis since James VI failed to abdicate."

Kate herself was apologetic. "One knows One has let everyone down, and One wishes to apologise for that. But One hopes and trusts the common people will understand the circumstances which led One to this constitutional whatsit, yah.

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SNP worse than dodgy King, says Home Secretary

By Sir Sickov Hydinet CBE MBE LMFAO, our Royal Correspondent

edward-hitlerAn SNP/Labour pact would be 'more dangerous to England than a Nazi King', the Home Secretary Theresa May has warned.

Her interjection into the General Election campaign came as a poll showed a small recovery for the Conservatives, but still predicted a hung parliament.

“Not since 1936, when King Edward VIII was forced to abdicate due to his political sympathies' and those of his fiancée Wallis Simpson, has England's ruling class faced such a crisis.” she said in a press conference yesterday.

“It was unacceptable for the English to be ruled by a Nazi back then, and it's still unacceptable today. It would be the biggest constitutional crisis since – oh I don't know – the Norman invasion.

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Labour in Scotlandshire to launch new Committee On Satirical Activities

By Lass Ditch, our Faux Outrage Correspondent

COSAThe Labour Party in Scotland have announced they are to set up a new committee to investigate instances of satire in political life.

The committee, to be chaired by ex Govan MP Ian Davidson, will be known as the Committee On Satirical Activities, or COSA for short.

The move follows the revelation made in First Minister's Questions by Labour's Deputy Dugdale that many Scottish politicians and their supporters are avid followers of political satire.

Individuals are expected to be called before the committee to be interrogated on their choice of reading materials. They will be asked questions like: "Are you now, or have you ever been, a satirist or a fan of satire?"

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Farage interview on UK Politics plagued by delays

By Mike Tuppenlagd, our Outside Broadcast Manager

farage-lagsThe BBC would like to apologise to viewers following this morning's edition of the Daily Politics show, in which an interview with UKIP leader Nigel Farage by Andrew Neil was marred by long transmission delays [ED: Can we use Andrew Marr's surname as a synonymn for 'f**ked up'?]

The result of the long delay was that Andrew was already well into his followup question before the answer to his initial query was heard by viewers.

This made it difficult for the programme's audience to follow the interview, a problem compounded by the fact that many of them were UKIP voters.

The BBC's technical unit has now produced a transcript of the interview with accurate timestamps, allowing interested viewers to reconstruct the interview as it should have been aired.

Some, however, may find the text to be more accurate and revealing if the timestamps are simply ignored.

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Police seek saboteur of Lib Dem battle bus

By Digsby Pickering, Our counter-espionage and etiquette correspondent

Nick Clegg thumbs a lift from passing motoristsThe Liberal Democrats' election campaign ground to a halt yesterday when the party's battle bus broke down for a second time following a suspected act of political campaign sabotage.

On Tuesday the battle bus broken down for the first time in what was seen as a suitable quip of campaign fate for the beleagured Liberal Democrats.

Yesterday an embarrassed Nick Clegg had to thumb a lift from a couple of passing students in what Mr Clegg would later describe as "an immaculate and modern Datson 120Y".

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Ed Miliband defends Project Fear II to Anne Drumar

By Anne Drumar, our Token Professional Journalist

square sausageThe following is a transcript of an interview by Anne Drumar with Scottish Labour's duty manager, Ed Miliband.

This is the third of a series of experimental interviews by Ms Dumar, who has been employed by BBC Scotlandshire in an attempt to combat a tiny number of accusations of BBC bias which have been levelled at the corporation by a few of the swivel-eyed separatist malcontents who seem to form half the electorate these days.

The BBC senior management wants to determine if the addition of a single balanced, neutral and (dare I say it) professional journalist will defuse future accusations of political partisanship.

Disclaimer: This is an experiment in broadcasting. BBC Scotlandshire takes no responsibility whatsoever for any opinions or policy statements expressed in these interviews.

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Enquiry seeks source of leaked BBC documentary

By Paddy Mundell MP (retd), our Unattributable Leaks Correspondent

jesus-morphyAn internal inquiry has been initiated to discover the person responsible for the leaking of a new BBC documentary which was sent to an independence supporting blog before its official showing on national television.

The programme is the first in a new flagship series of six historical documentaries entitled “Great figures in Scotch history”. The series was made for BBC Scotlandshire by Nonideefixe films in cooperation with the Historical Revision Institute (HRI) of Oxford University.

Presented by Scotlandshire's pre-eminent historian, Sir Kneel Oil-Lover, the series honours the efforts of the Scots who have been most instrumental in saving their countrymen from the evils of self-government.

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Oil find in Dorset 'a terrible burden' says Treasury chief

By Olly O'Fillick, our Energy correspondent

Sussex-oilThe estimated size of an oil find near Gatwick Airport has been upgraded to 100 billion barrels.

UK Oil & Gas Investments (UKOG) said the Horse Hill-1 well in the Weald Basin was now thought to hold 158 million barrels per square mile.

UKOG described the find as a possible “world class” resource with the potential for “significant daily oil production”, but insisted it would be a “disaster for the economy” of Southern England.

“Discovering huge amounts of oil is a terrible burden on any one country”, says Prof  Iprefer Cash of Gatwick University. “it distorts your economy and leads to huge volatility.

“The only solution is to find another country, preferably a neighbouring one, who can take over the exploitation of the oil on your behalf. Then it becomes a boon.”

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Media stunt implicates Scottish Secretary in Nikileaks scandal

By Quentin Limpbiskitt, our MI6 correspondent

nothing to hideDigital enhancement of a photograph of Scottish Secretary Alisdair Carmichael has produced the clearest evidence to date of his involvement in the Nikileaks conspiracy to damage the electoral prospects of the SNP.

The image, taken during a photo-op where Mr Carmichael attempted to distance himself from the leaked 'memo' and to play down its importance, clearly showed a document in his inside pocket.

Through a process known as 'digital super dooperenhancement', which was first demonstrated on the popular US sitcom CSI, the contents of this document have been rendered readable.

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Election 2015: Jim Morphy denies 'preferring Cameron'

By John McTearwan, Chief of Staff at Nikileaks

Jim EMScottish Labour leader Jim Morphy has denied a newspaper's claim he told a German diplomat he would prefer David Cameron in No 10 over Ed Miliband.

The Daily Telegraph published a Scotland Office memo claiming the Labour MP privately said Labour's leader was not "PM material".

Mr Morphy said in a tweet the story was "definitely, unquestionably, palpably, indubitably, honestly, 1000% untrue".

German officials said he did not express a preference for PM but the Labour party said the report was "damning".

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