Miliband will be first normal Prime Minister

By Lucky Alexander, Our Kitchens Under the Sledgehammer correspondent

The Milibands enjoying a cuppa in the servant’s kitchenThe latest Ashcroft poll reveals Labour Party Leader Ed Miliband has managed a massive turnaround to become the most popular UK political leader and predicts he will command a majority even greater than the total secured by Tony Blair in the 1997 general election.

This complete reversal in fortune has followed an intervention to make him appear even more like a normal family man and has left all the opposition parties in complete disarray.

Even the wipe-out predicted in Scotlandshire has been reversed placing the SNP genie firmly back in the bottle.

Mr Miliband’s campaign team silenced all critics and comedians when the much maligned second kitchen in his £2m mansion house home was transformed into a simple spare room. Builders were brought in to tear out the cheap kitchen and rebrand it into a contemporary spare room that any normal citizen would be happy to have in their own home.

Ed inspects beige spare roomThe Conservative Party is secretly worried that this latest development will leave nothing for their politicians to mock about the awe-inspiring leader of the opposition and next Prime Minister.

Policies announced during the Budget 2015 statement are under urgent review when it became apparent the Miliband kitchen gags no longer worked and aren't worth the hundreds of millions of pounds in extra expenditure and the reinflation of the London property asset bubble to give the set-up required for a funny punchline.

A Treasury insider said: "Danny and George put in a lot of work coming up with housing policies and Internet improvement plans to present opportunities to mention 'two kitchens' Miliband. They're pretty unhappy this morning that he has rectified the problem and killed off all the one-liners they've been working on for the last few weeks."

However the move has caused even more consternation within the Miliband household. A distressed source close to the Milibands stated: “Ed’s servants are furious that their kitchen was ripped out just to please Daily Mail readers.

“Ed made it even worse when he decanted the whole staff out of the London mansion house into a job lot of surplus ‘International Emergency Rescue’ branded tents that had been erected in the back garden. The tents arrived one day with only a small handwritten note that said ‘Lots Of Love David xxx’.

Ed's servants decanted to back garden“To really pour unneeded salt on a smoked bacon roll, he put everyone on zero-hours and went on to joke that even his own staff now had a reason to vote for him: to bring an end to the scourge of rogue employers abusing zero-hour contracts.”

A spokesliar for Ed Miliband commented: “The second kitchen was always a temporary situation that has been rectified this week. A team was brought in to upgrade the kitchen into a perfectly normal spare room - actually it will be the thirteenth spare room in Mr Miliband’s small London home - lucky him.

“This just goes to prove that Ed is simply a normal person like you and I, with the same day-to-day issues and the same problems with cowboy tradesmen.”

BBC Scotlandshire has learned that Mr Miliband’s people are seeking one of the builders, a Mr Gordon Brown, to find out when the work on the new spare room will be completed. The conman was last spotted getting into a pink van in North London but hasn't been seen since, not even hiding out in his Kirkcaldy branch office where he hasn't been seen in years.

Further, it is believed Mr Miliband is furious that the room has turned out to be a beige-coloured uninspiring compromise that falls woefully short of the vision he was sold just months ago

Mr Miliband has been quoted as saying: "F**king Brown and his promises!"

Related Articles

Daily Mail: Almost 40 Labour MPs employ staff on zero-hours contracts despite Ed Miliband claiming they have 'no place' in Britain

Huffington Post: Budget 2015: George Osborne Mocked Ed Miliband's 'Two Kitchens' And His Reaction Was Incredible

The Independent: Budget 2015 – housing: 'Help to buy Isa' threatens further house price rises


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