Campaign placed on a war footing

By Corr Seeratits, Our International Womens Day Correspondent

bt tin hatPatriotic delegates to the Patriotic Party of Patriotic Scotlandshire Conference were placed on a war footing by their top military strategist, Private David Hamilton (VC and where's the fu*king bar?) yesterday.

In a top secret (because few were actually listening) briefing, he warned that the enemy had armed "wee lassies" and provided them with full military gear like tin helmets.

"It's easy tae make fun o' them", he dribbled, "and Ah'm a specialist in that field. Weemin makkin on they're sodjers? They've nae tadgers, and cannae even pish high up the wa'!"

Conference erupted in an outburst of pricks and cheered his strategic genius.

Meanwhile his strategic genius, Johann La-Mont looked really pissed that her plans were being revealed. After all, she had released the original tin-helmetted lady upon the battlefield.

"I mobilised millions of (well, two) women to demonstrate that they were best fitted to fight in the kitchen and around the kitchen table, and leave the fighting elsewhere to those that were fully tadger equipped", she later admitted.

"When I suddenly noticed, in the toilet, that I was personally devoid of tadgerism, I promptly fled the field of battle, and handed control to a real prick.."

arc nicolaHistorian Royal, Tom the Divine, pointed out that there had been many successful female warriors.

"There were the Amazons", he pointed out, "who conquered the world, and paid not a penny in tax.

"Then there was Joan of Arc of Prosperity who did bloody well for the French against the English, until a flaming brazier brought her insurrection to an untimely end.

"John Knox railed against the 'monstrous regiment of women', but if you notice - he's deid and there are now more women than men.

"As for bravery in the face of overwhelming opposition, you only have to look at Boudicca or the Johnstone sisters.

"Of course, women are also much more effective at stopping wars than starting them. Lysistrata is a prime example because, at the end of the day, the tadger is a poor weapon."

However, SLAB top historian, John 'Thatcherite' McTearman, was disagreeable with everyone. "I really admired Mrs Thatcher - especially her pouting lips and stimulating toes. I get really excited by dominant women ordering me around.

"Somehow Fifty Shades of Iain Gray just doesn't do it for me."

Nicola Sturgeon just smiled, and piroutted on her stillettos.


Due to the huge number of complaints, comments are no longer banned on BBC Scotlandshire News pages.

Our Other Biased Articles


What is all this Rubbish?

Click HERE to find out.