Revealed: Secret Scottish Labour plans to split party after Holyrood election

By Slabben Cider, our Compliant Embedded Correspondent

The BBC can reveal that the Labour party in Scotlandshire has drawn up emergency plans to split the party in two if they fare as badly as predicted in the May elections for the Scottish Parliament.

On the basis of current polls, SLab is expected to lose all of its constituency MSPs to the #SNPBad and is set to reduce its number of list members as well. Some party managers fear that SLab may even lose their position as the main Holyrood opposition to Ruth Davidson's STory party.

The party's response will be to split the current Scottish branch into two separate parties.

The first of these, codenamed SoopahSLab, will endorse Scottish independence and return to its traditional Socialist roots. This party will be autonomous but will maintain links with the wider UK Labour party in a last desperate attempt to compete with the SNP.

SuperSlab will initially be run by ex-First Minister, Henry McLeish and will be formally known as the National Autonomous Executive - Conquering Holyrood And Never Cheating Electors, or NAE-CHANCE for short.

We contacted Mr MacLeish, who told us: "For years, I've been getting ready to tell the party that it was essential to support independence if we were to survive in Scottish politics. And now is the time to nearly say it again.

"We've tried out-Torying the Tories and it has got us to the sorry state we are in now. It's time for us to out-Nat the Nats and see if that works out any better."

An unnamed spokesNat said simply: "Aye right!"

The remainder of SLab will carry on as a branch office of the London-based UK party and will continue to move to the right, in the hope of regaining their second place in Holyrood from the Conservatives.

This party will be known as Scottish Unionist Labour Continuing (SULC).

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