Morphy welcomes darkness plague. Tells SNP 'Let my people go'
By Hand O'Godot, Our Biblical Judgment Correspondent
SLAB Supremo, Jim Morphy enthusiastically welcomed the conclusions of an elite American University that God was about to visit a plague of darkness on Scotlandshire, unless dominatrix Sturgeon freed voters from slavery to the Nat cause.
Scientists at Cincinatti University's Neo-Theosophical Studies department have predicted that a great darkness will engulf Scotlandshire in less than three weeks.
Only if the Scotch are freed from their bondage and polls show a return to righteousness, with no damn lefteousness, can devastation be averted.
Professor Ian Davidson, Chairchoob of the Biblical And Satanic Texts Incorporating Related Translated Sanskrit working group said: "The astrophysical calculations, pentangular orientations and the lack of guts in the chickens running BBC Scotlandshire are completely consistent with the Natz gettin' a doin'.
"Just after the Ides of March, a great darkness will descend on Scotlandshire as the Sun is blotted out. Granted that the Sun isn't often visible in Scotlandshire, but March 20 will be a doozy - as black as Osborne's heart or Jack Straw's bank account.
"During the Great Dark, there will be multiple bayonettings of the wounded, and a plague of toe stubbings requiring immediate treatment in A&E."
Professor of Outrage, Hellanor Broadbrush, confirmed her colleague's analysis. "My voices spoke to me, and confirmed the details of the disaster to come. Consequently, my report for Misreporting Scotlandshire next month is already written!
"Some details must remain hidden for now, but I can exclusively reveal that 3,216 beds will be blocked by this incident, and "Nurse" Suzanne will tell me that the Natz Health Minister doesn't even know the difference between a bed and a trolley. Fortunately, she will never be revealed as a real nurse and not an actress. No one will ever betray her - not even a doctor."
Dean of the Faculty of Political Lassitude, Bliar McDonut, demonstrated his new invention to protect voters from seeing Nat propaganda on TV, which had the useful added facility of safely observing the disappearance of the Sun and the end of the world.
Head of Media Communications, Professor Sue'em Dalgetybay, denied allegations that the University was a total fraud and simply a SLAB front.
"We are all genuine American academics, as y'all can tell from our accents and the fact that we are all chewing gum and smoking big cigars", she explained. "Yeeha! buddy."
"All our research has been independently validated by Professor Margaret Curran at the Easterhouse Centre of Advanced Fudging and that’s a purdy little damn fine Scotch researcher. Hell boy, she's hotter than a billy goat’s ass in a pepper patch."
Student activist "Greater X" agreed that his professors had it "right on". "It is no accident that the Western Isles will be most seriously hit, with 98% of sunlight eradicated. They're all Nat heretics there and only local Labour members will be spared extinction."
Visiting Professor of Really Big Numbers, John Poultice added: "There can be no doubt that the coming disaster will virtually wipe out all Yes voters, so that the sensible people who survive can vote anyway they like. I'll do a poll on that."
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