It has to be 'joabs fur the boays', says MacIntosh

By Kezia (deputy) Dugdale MSP, Our Petty Revenge SpokesWummin

Ken-adviceBBC Scotlandshire has been given a copy of a second job application for the post of Regional Manager of London Labour's northernmost branch office.

The person who leaked this document did not do so in retalliation for her own application appearing on the BBC last week. Absolutely Not! Honestly.

In fact, this channel can now reveal that the 'varmint' who leaked the document called himself Musky, but is believed to actually be diminutive Labour MSP Richard Baker, who also starred in several episodes of the X Files (and not in a good way).

Dear UK Labour Leadership – London Office, Westminster

Please find attached my application for Labour Scotlandshire Supreme Leader (reporting to London). I hope you read it, and keep me in mind for the job. Given our past history, I have written my name in BOLD CAPITALS to help you remember.

NAME:

KEN MACINTOSH

DESIRED POSITION:
Reverse Cowgirl. Definitely not dawgy style!

DESIRED WAGE:
I'm going to need whatever the guy that owns the bakery in 17 kids and counting gets... Have you seen my kids? No really... I put one down a minute ago...

EDUCATION:
As a youngster I learned to read in a class of only 5 children and 2 goats on Oban. We all loved Billy Goat Gruff. But it wasn't till later that I became interested in History, in fact it's one of the things that drew me to the Labour party, long dead and living in the past as it is.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Before being proudly elected as an MSP in 1999, I was a mere producer for BBC News. I know many people think that there's too much cronyism and cosines with the Beeb, but I dont accept that. I was just lucky that my contacts in the Labour party at the time really paid off for me, and continued to pay off even after the public became aware of me in 2011.

SALARY:
£59,089 plus expenses. I REALLY want to keep the expenses.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
Being the only person forced to resign as Deputy Convenor on the Parliamentary Standards Committee for failing to declare £330 of hospitality from McDonald's... Well it was one of the kids birthdays and when you've got as many as me £330 doesnt go very far!

REASON FOR CHANGE:
Previous superiors kept on forgetting who I was. I don't think anyone should read anything into it – half the time I can't even remember the names of my own kids, but it did make me want to achieve more, and recognition for a good job (hell, just being recognized) would be a great start.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
After 9am and before 3:15. Theres so many kids we cant get a childminder to take them... or I could just put some in cupboards at work.

PREFERRED HOURS:
As few as possible.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
I once thought I was invisible... hello... I'm over here...

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
Do you have a political Ouija board?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
No problem! At bedtime its 2 fireman lifts and 4 kids in the arms (2 under each one).

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
Does Minibus count as a car in this scenario?

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
My 2006-07 bill for tougher restrictions on sunbeds won me the coveted 'Most hated by Geordies' title.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
I've got SIX Kids! Do you think I can afford a pack of fags!?!?!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
My wife. Those 17 kids and counting folk have set the bar high.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
I was certified not long after entering parliament...

SIGN HERE:
"Don cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me... don cha...don cha", or would you prefer some nice Barry Manilow?


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