Bringing you ludicrous, spurious and ill-conceived Scottish stories from Atlantic Quay.
Any similarity to other terminally biased national broadcasters is entirely unfortunate.
A little application goes a long way
By Ken MacIntosh MSP, Our Water-Resistant Leak Specialist
BBC Scotlandshire has been given a copy of the following job application for the post of Regional Manager of London Labour's northernmost branch office.
The person who leaked the document to this channel claimed that he (or perhaps she) was acting solely in the interests of transparency, and definitely not to favour the chances of any of the (many) other candidates for the same position.
Labour politicians say Glasgow rally was 'full of bloody lefties'
By Paul S A Frie-Zoan, our Scottish Labour Party Unpaid Research Intern
In an effort to re-evaluate the purpose and future of their party, a number of courageous Labour MSPs and councillors attended yesterday's 'anti-austerity' rally in Glasgow.
The rally in George Square was organised by the Scottish Trades Union Congress to voice their opposition to the government's austerity policy.
Organisers claimed over ten thousand attended, but a police estimate from 6:30am put the audience at fewer than ten, including some street cleaners and the two officers making the estimate.
The visit by the Labour politicians (or more correctly the fact-finding trip as it was covered by expenses) was organised to determine if any policy initiatives could be gleaned from those speaking at or attending the event.
Civil War breaks out amongst the Cybernats
By Jacklyn Hide, Our Judean People's Correspondent
A civil war has erupted amongst online separatists after one broke ranks, claiming their whole 'New Media' revolution was a 'pile of smelly cack'.
Nat separatists turned their cyber-vitriol onto one another when the aptly named GA Poncey-Boy published an article on the subversive website NewsNat.scot.
According to Poncey-Boy, the so-called 'alternative media' is nothing more than a hotchpotch of opinion pieces written by people who should probably keep their opinions to themselves.
In his controversial article, the whining Poncey-Boy wrote: "Yes lost the independence referendum because of you lot. If you had only listened to me then Yes would have won easily.
"All of the other sites need to cooperate with me. I've been saying this for years. WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY LISTEN TO ME ANY MORE?"
New charity launched to help Daily Mail sufferers
By Dr Amfiel N Offi-Seikh, Our Degenerative Disease Expert
A new charity will be launched in Edinburgh today which seeks to provide support to victims of one of the most widespread and devastating afflictions in modern Britain – the Daily Mail.
The charity, known as the National Organisation for the Rehabilitation of Angry Nasty Tories in Scotlandshire, or NO-RANTS for short, will be formally launched this afternoon at a ceremony in the Scottish Parliament.
NO-RANTS is the Scottish offshoot of the well-established London charity, the Conservative & Unionist Newspaper Dupe Support group, better known to the public as CUNDStoppers.
"I was right about Sturgeon", claims Carmichael as second memo is leaked to BBC
By Lingar N Stingk, our 'Neck like a Pawnbroker's Balls' Correspondent
Disgraced ex Secretary of State for Portsmouth Alistair Carmichael has claimed to have proof that the memo he leaked before the election about a conversation between the First Minister and the French ambassador was in fact completely accurate.
The beleaguered MP for the Northern Isles says a second Scotland Office memo has corroborated the revelations made in the first, finally proving his innocence in the whole affair.
The new memo, a copy of which was sent to the BBC by an unnamed source in Lerwick, records a whispered moment shared between Nicola Sturgeon and a US journalist during the First Minister's current 'takeover' tour of the USA.
Scot Nat MP forced to apologise over 'joke' about killing English Soldiers
By Douglas Frazer, Surprisingly no relation to Lucy Frazer MP
An SNP MP had to apologise last night after coming under fire for making a sick joke in the House of Commons about English soldiers being killed after a mediaeval battle.
During a debate on Thursday, the new Scottish Nationalist Party MP for South East Brigadoon, Jock McSweaty, laughed about how the Scots defeated the English at Sterling Ridge then chased those fleeing the battle until all were either dead or had escaped over the border.
Since McSweaty, a former Queen's Counsel barrister, made the comments he has received angry messages sent to his Facebook page from English people upset over the Natz making light of ethnic cleansing.
Orangemen are 'a race apart' claims Supreme Salamander of Scotlandshire
By Flegg Kerrier, our Oppressed Ethnic Minorities Correspondent
The most senior officer of the Orange Order in Scotlandshire has claimed that Orangemen are an ethnic minority, different from other Scots, and must be given special treatment as a consequence.
The Supreme Salamander's claims came as a petition was signed by 20,000 Glaswegians who are protesting against the GCC's plans for Orangefest.
The Orange order is planning a day of solidarity with other oppressed religious minorities and political movements from across the world, which will see tens of thousands descend on Glasgow city centre this Saturday.
The Secret Diaries of A Mole (aged like a blue cheese – phew)
By Ally Carmichael MP (pro tem) our Dissembling and Equivocation Correspondent
This week we are proud to present the secret diaries of acting MP for Orkney & Shetland Alistair Carmichael.
It has been a tough week for the recently retired Scottish Secretary and we at the State broadcaster would like to show our support for this honest politician by sharing his innermost thoughts with an eager nation.
We are unable to bring you Mhairi Black's diaries this week as she is on study leave for her final politics exam.
There is also the small matter of the D notice that was placed on her Twitter feed last week.
Salmond slams Trident safety concerns
By Dee Fensliss, Our Global Geopolitics correspondent
There was utter confusion at Westminster yesterday when Alex Salmond called for an adjournment debate on the safety of the UK's nuclear deterrent at HM Naval Base Clyde.
The opposition benches, which have been overrun by the SNP members, were once again stuffed with Scottish Nationalist MPs. Members from other parties felt so intimidated that they felt obliged tostaywell away from the chamber, hiding in various bars and subsidised restaurants..
The debate was sparked by a potentially explosive report written by a very junior submariner, who subsequently went on the run for a while, before handing himself into authorities after the public had finally noticed his shenanigans.
A comprehensive Ministry of Defence investigation has given the Trident planet killing system a completely clean bill of health and the UK nuclear naval bases have been proclaimed the most secure military facilities worldwide.
Unruly SNP 'yobbos' ruin historic Queen's speech
By Nickerless Witch-Hell, Our Royal Toadying Correspondent
The first Conservative Queen's speech to be put forward in almost 20 years had been 'castrated' by scheming SNP MPs, claims one Conservative grandee today.
The speech, which outlined the government's legislative programme for the next year, was widely expected to include bills on two of the Tories' favourite subjects. Those were: the repeal of the fox hunting ban and the repeal of the 1998 Human Rights Act.
However, to the obvious shocked dismay of both Tory backbenchers and BBC journalists alike, neither of these two flagship Conservative policies were included in Her Majesty's speech.
In fact, there was no reference whatever to fox hunting, and a brief reference to consultation on the issue of ending human rights.
- The decline and fall of the No-man's empire
- Shades of Black II: Mhairi's second week at Westminster
- Polling disaster – “It wisnae me”, says Poultice
- Journalistic standards fall still further at the Times
- Shades of Black: Mhairi's first days at Westminster
- Ian Murray to lead Scottish Labour – sometime soon
- Police seek 'burly men' in Annan polling scandal
- Scots MPs should be seen but not heard, says Cameron
- Tory election plan ruined as Royal Baby II found to be Scottish
- SNP worse than dodgy King, says Home Secretary
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