Where's Willie?

By Forrester Gumptionless, Our teaboy and Liberal Democrat correspondent

Liberal Democrat leader slides in the polls

A nationwide search for Willie Rennie was sparked on Thursday evening when the Scottish Liberal Democrat leader failed to turn up for an election hustings event in Strathmiglo Village Hall.

The women’s anti-austerity group WAAAGH had organised the event and re-organised the event and changed things about on a number of other occasions to ensure Mr Rennie had no excuse for not attending.

Mr Rennie, who grew up in the small North East Fife village where his parents ran the local grocery shop, is standing to become the local constituency Member of the Scottish Parliament on the 5th of May.

For a fleeting moment one WAAAGH woman believed she had spotted Mr Rennie but it turned out to be an overly liberal plate of sausage rolls. He was replaced at the last moment by a tub of lard.

Willie Rennie replaced by a tub of lardMr Rennie’s mother told this reporter: “Willie was brought up to always tell the truth. Well we tried to instil this quality in his character.

Maw Rennie went on to explain the actual events of Thursday that resulted in Mr Rennie’s absence from the hustings event.

She continued: “My wee lad came along in the afternoon for his tea and to discuss the evening meeting.

“Well, I was fair taken aback when he said he’d need to tell a wee porky or two about the SNP Government and asked for us to play along.

“We didn’t bring him up to lie, so the dog got his tea, and he was sent straight up to his room to think about what he’d done.

“More than once he tried to sneak out the window but his father is fly to all his wee tricks.”

Earlier in the election campaign, Willie Rennie revealed he had been in trouble with the police on many occasions in his younger tearaway days and has since been caught speeding through the streets of Scotlandshire on two occasions.

Paw Rennie had much to say about Willie’s youthful exuberance, commenting: “Fife Police were never away from our door when Willie was a lad.

“Even back then he was right into his jogging - the other kids used to shout "Run Forest, Run!". But it was really all about showing the local bobbies a clean pair of heels as he fled yet another caper.

“The boy was a one master criminal crime wave here in rural Strathmiglo so it came as no shock to see him progress onto being a Liberal Democrat politician.“

Voted Best Political Copulation moment of Holyrood 2016

When asked if Willie’s upbringing had shaped the Liberal Democrat policy agenda, Paw Rennie replied: “It would certainly explain the unhealthy obsession with Police Scotlandshire.”

A Police Scotlandshire spokescop confirmed a 48 year old male had indeed been freed from a locked bedroom in the Strathmiglo area in the early hours of Friday morning.

The spokescop stated: “The man was last heard mumbling he’d had nothing but trouble with the pigs his whole life then proceeded to quickly run off in the direction of Kelty.”

Mr Rennie is out campaigning in Auchtermuchty tonight, singlehandedly searching for someone, indeed anyone, who’s willing to vote Liberal Democrat. He’s expected to end the thankless quest with a wee scoot, doon the chute, in the kiddies playpark.

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