Dozens turn down Toary cabinet posts as May strives to stay in power.

By  Toar E Kant, Our Westminster correspondent.

 Sectarian Nutters
 
Following today's revelation by interim Prime Minister, Theresa May, that she will try to form a government with the support of the Ulster Unionists, a number of public figures have revealed that they too were approached with offers to join the Tory cabinet.
 
The BBC has discovered that 'soundings were taken' by senior Conservatives and offers of cabinet posts were discussed with a number of well-known individuals.
 
It is understood that none of those approached was prepared to accept the offer. This channel has tracked down and interviewed several of those concerned.
 
We spoke first to Don Vito Corleone, a flower shop owner from new Jersey, who confirmed that he had been offered, and declined, the post of minister for the disabled in the new Tory cabinet.
 
Don Vito told us, "I'm not at all averse to indescriminate killing, but I much prefer to do it face to face while looking in my victim's eyes.
 
"But the idea of killing thousands of helpless people by simply removing their benefits and mobility vehicles left me cold. That's just inhumane! Iain Duncan Smith is far better suited to that kind of thing.
 
 We then met with Mohammad bin Salman Al Saud, the deputy crown prince of Saudi Arabia and current Saudi defence minister who claims he was offered the chance to replace Philip Hammond as UK defence minister if he agreed to foot the bill for all the aircraft needed for the UK's 2 new carriers.
 
"I don't mind saying, I was tempted", he told us, "The UK may be flat broke, but they still own Scotlandshire and there are lots of lovely nuclear missiles buried up there.
 
"Getting hold of those beauties would soon make those Yemeni farmers start taking us seriously", he joked.
 
Finally, in a secret location, we met with 'Jihadi John' a notorious ISIS soldier, who told us he had been offered the Human Rights brief by Foreigner Minister Boris 'BoJo' Johnson.
 
He told this correspondent, "My job was to slash away at the inconvenient and pointless Human Rights laws which the UK will inherit post-brexit. I was excited to be able to use the 'Henry VIII law to do this, as old King Henry and I share a fondness for decapitation.
 
"But even I have to draw the line somewhere, and that rape clause of their's is just taking the piss."
 
Instead, the Tories will be offering cabinet posts to 5 of the 10 new DUP MPs. They will be given the following briefs:
  • Ian Paisley jnr - Minister for equality and LGBT+ rights.
  • Sammy Wilson - Minister for 'Intelligent' Design.
  • Paul Girvan - Minister for Marching, with special responsibility for big twirly sticks.
  • Nigel Dodds - Cabinet Secretary for Fenian Blood.
  • Emma Little-Pengelly - Minister for Little Pengellians

The BBC understands that the demands made by the DUP in exchange for their support included the following:

  • Daily drone attacks on Vatican City.
  • Deportation of all Roman Catholics to Rome.
  • Deportation of all gays and lesbians to Southern California.
  • No chapels to sadden their eye.
  • and...every day is the 12th of July.

We asked leader of the Scottish Conservative Party Ruth 'the mooth' Davidson for her thoughts on the arrangements and she said, "We are primarily a Democratic Unionist Party ourselves which is why we now have but a single policy, to deny Scots democracy at all costs, so it looks like a match made in Heaven.

"The fact that my gay Catholic partner will now be deported to 2 different countries simulteneously just goes to show how divisive the divisive SNP has become."

In other news...

The Irish Times: What connects Brexit, the DUP, dark money and a Saudi prince?

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