Midsomer mystery deepens

By Trev Eeyah, Our Waste of Space Correspondent

fairy doorResidents in the accident-prone county of Midsomer have been concerned about the outbreak of tiny doors in popular beauty spot, Wayward Woods.

No one was more concerned than popular beauty Eve Bentback (32). "Most nights, I'm in the woods, and as the doors are in the tree roots, they're at my eye level. For some reason, they open up a bit at the same time I do."

Most residents had assumed that the outbreak of tiny doors was simply down to the stupidity of local parents desperate to give their little princesses a brief moment of happiness, before they were imaginatively slaughtered by the homicidal maniacs, with which the county is plentifully supplied.

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Why the Scots MUST vote for independence! The Daily Mail doesn't like them.

By Simon Heffer, our Trolling Unionist Arsehole correspondent.

salmondOver the next 12 months, it will be distressingly hard to avoid Scottish voices on TV and radio droning on about whether or not Scotland should vote in a referendum to leave the United Kingdom next year.

To make matters worse, it is increasingly a debate from which the English, who as taxpayers send a hefty subsidy to Scotland each year to keep that country afloat, are wilfully excluded.

In a true democracy we, too, would be allowed our say, with a vote of our own next September, since there are two of us in this particular marriage.

Since the mid-Nineties I have been convinced that England and Scotland would benefit from a divorce, or at least from a trial separation. Many Scots don't much like the English and appear ungrateful for everything that England does for them in showering them with money.

Thus my friendly advice to our Scottish cousins as they contemplate this great constitutional moment is this: vote 'yes', for independence.

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