Welcome to BBC Scotlandshire news from the Central Belt. Because we know what's good for you.

 

News from St Andrews that didn't happen

By Nemo Flounder, Our Fishy Brexit correspondent.

First Minister exits ministerial car in St Andrews

The normally quiet seaside town of St Andrews faced an existential crisis earlier today when local residents witnessed a young woman, who was brought up in an Ayrshire council scheme, stepping out of a Scottish Government ministerial vehicle. Confusion reigned for two hours, sending posh residents into a frenzied grab for their comforter copies of Tattler and Town and Country.

Police Scotlandshire confirmed an influx of calls from concerned residents reporting a possible stolen vehicle being dumped in the East Sands area of St Andrews.

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SNP MP accused of plotting the demise of Boris Johnson

By Nobile Officium, our court reporter.

boris

 The BBC has learned that nationalist MP Joanna Cherry QC is planning to raise a private prosecution against Prime Minster Boris Johnson.

It is understood Ms Cherry will allege that the PM is guilty of the crime of High Treason by virtue of his having unlawfully requested Her Britannic Majesty the Queen to prorogue parliament and having, consequently, lied to the crown.

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BBC refuse to apologise for closing down pro-indy fundraisers.

By John T Angle of the Press Association.

bbc atlantic quay

The BBC has refused to apologise after being accused of closing down separation supporting fundraisers last week.

Two community barbecues which had been organised to raise funds for the upcoming campaign for the breakup of the United Kingdom (Indyref2) were cancelled following interventions by lawyers working for the BBC in London.

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Scotlandshire in Union Burns Night invitation

By Amin Debretts Our nobility correspondent.

Lord-Gilbert

Dear British patriot,

I write to you today to invite you to the Scotland in Union "Burns Night" celebrations to be held in Hopeton House, West Lothian.

As Prime Minister Theresa May has said, Burns Night is part of the UK's enduring Union and we will be marking it this year with a celebration of all things British, just as Rabbie would have wished.

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Franco goes to Holyrood

By Noam Passerand, Our Fascism correspondent.

chamber

A delegation from the Spanish government has given evidence to a Scottish government committee concerning the current situation in Catalonia, the BBC has learned.

The SNP government had originally requested that representatives of the Catalonian separatists should attend, in a thinly veiled attempt to stir up trouble in the region. However, Westminster officials interceded and substituted the Spanish delegates, explaining that all Catalonian seditionists had now been sacked and were hiding in Belgium to escape arrest on charges of rebellion, so would be unable to attend.

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PM demands Sturgeon ‘must come clean’ on independence declaration

By Fonn N Yoon, our Holyrood Correspondent

Nicola-Sturgeon-cushions

Prime minister Theresa May has demanded that SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon ‘must come clean’ on whether she secretly declared independence in a coded message to supporters during her speech to the SNP party conference last week.

Unnoticed by ministers at the time, lexical analysis of the First Minister’s address to conference has shown what appears to be hidden messages in her text which can only be understood by independence supporters, similar to how Cherokee speakers were used to pass coded radio messages in WW2.

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Dozens turn down Toary cabinet posts as May strives to stay in power.

By  Toar E Kant, Our Westminster correspondent.

 Sectarian Nutters
 
Following today's revelation by interim Prime Minister, Theresa May, that she will try to form a government with the support of the Ulster Unionists, a number of public figures have revealed that they too were approached with offers to join the Tory cabinet.
 
The BBC has discovered that 'soundings were taken' by senior Conservatives and offers of cabinet posts were discussed with a number of well-known individuals.
 
It is understood that none of those approached was prepared to accept the offer. This channel has tracked down and interviewed several of those concerned.

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Glasgow to declare independence following council election success

 By  Law B Doasser, Our Weegie correspondent.

 freedom-square
 
The SNP group on Glasgow City Council has announced its plans for Sotlandshire's largest city to declare independence from the United Kingdom, after the nationalists were elected as the largest group in Thursday's local elections.
 
James Dornan, an SNP MSP for Glasgow Cathcart, said, "Clearly, Glasgow is now SNP territory. We hold all of the Westminster seats, all of the Holyrood constituency seats and now we are the largest group on the City Council.
 
"The time has come for the great City of Glasgow to show Scotland the way forward by becoming an independent member of the EU.

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EU president rejects Brexit application

By Jonny Uri-Piane, Our EU correspondent.

angry-tusk

Donald Tusk, the president of the European Council, has told the UK government that the EU will not be taking part in the #Brexit negotiations, despite the UK government triggering of Article 50 last month.

The EU politician has rejected the plans outlined by the UK to negotiate their exit from the EU over the next 2 years, saying simply, "Maintenant ce n'est pas le moment."

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BBC releases schedule for new Scottish channel

By R U Fekin-Kidenme, Our Scottishness correspondent.

testcardd

BBC Scotlandshire management is proud to present the schedule for the new BBC evening channel in Scotland, which we have decided will be called BBC Scotland in honour of the spoof TV network on the opposite bank of the Clyde.

This channel has been created to provide the 'closest thing to federalism that is possible within the State Broadcaster', in line with the solemn vow made by the Daily Record in 2014. It will feature content which has been specifically created for Scottish viewers by Mentorn Productions Ltd. of Media City, Manchester.

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