Carnage in Edinburgh Conference Centre

By Stenn Gunn, Our Battlefield Correspondent

bodiesBodies littered the corridors of the Edinburgh International Conference Centre's toilet block after today's Labour in Patriotic Scotchland (just a wee Jock and Doris) Party's One Day Conference.

And what a helluva day it was!

I have seen many disasters, conflicts and wars in my time, but this was the bloodiest of civil wars that I have ever witnessed. The sight of ravenous Dawgdales and Griffins tearing at the bloodied corpses was sickening. No amount of salary can compensate for the ravages to my soul [Ed : Piss off. "No amount" is exactly the salary you get.]

The event had been billed as the Coronation of "King Jim One", who would graciously pass his hands over SLab's imaginary rule book whereby all the clauses would neatly fall into place to the skirl of the pipes, the beat of the snare drums and the whistle of the kilt (as unpractised bare bums sank onto the processional benches).

There was a show of public unity. All agreed that now they were patriotic, Labour could do the things that they couldn't be arsed to do before when they were unpatriotic.

They cheered an MP from, or called, Hamilton when he proposed they should rally round their only policy and "stick it to the bloody SNP".

As one delegate revealed the new slogan "from bottom to the topwards. Upwards", the enthusiastic audience stirred in its sleep, while waiting for the Leader to arrive from London.

Miliband held up one finger to Scotland, displaying his new Ring with its inscription "One Ring to Rule them all. One Ring to bind them." He vowed that the extra money from the Mansion Tax would not be available to Scotland until "Jim Murphy becomes First Minister". He finished to a massive standing ovation that lasted almost 30 seconds.

"So that's our NHS fu*ked then!" commented one dispirited delegate in the bar, for this was a wake, not a coronation.

A wake, where the mourners discovered that Granny had ruined the fortunes of the estate by evicting the hard working peasants, replacing them with sheep, and squandering the rents on a life of sybaritic luxury.

washtubOnly her rich and depraved admirers, keen to indulge their warped taste for Fifty Shades of Gran had kept up an appearance of affluence : that and the occasional wad of cash from Great Uncle Tony, that he smuggled in from his dodgy dealings in the Middle East, for a select favoured few.

Cousin Magrit was one of the few who had a servant supplied to clean the stairheid after her rammies. While she claimed to share her with her other Glasgow cousins, such claims were scoffed at by the rest.

Facing the threat of sudden penury and the necessity of having to do some actual work, resentment and greed crackled in the air. These were not Blue Tories or Red Tories, but Tories turned green with envy.

One said: “We really should forget about anywhere outside of my place, and concentrate on keeping me in my current lifestyle. I’m entitled to that, at least, surely?”

Another whined: “We really need to forget about places like Airdrie and Shotts or Margaret Curran’s. We have probably lost those.” Though he was firmly reminded, via a punch in the mouth, that Labour had long forgotten about such places.

One notable dissenter was MSP Hanzala Malik, who refused to applaud Miliband's speech. There have been doubts for some time that he might defect to the SNP after being scheduled for de-selection by SLab, and this was reinforced by his sponsoring an Early Day Motion praising the growth in the Scottish economy and backed by SNP, not SLab, colleagues.

However, a source said: "Hanzala liked the bit where Morphy said he had civilised Scotlandshire and ended apartheid there, but was dismayed by the announcement that Labour's plan was to "to make Scotlandshire the fairest nation on Earth".

"Bloody racist that is", said the source.

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