Scottish Government reveals new plans for Trident replacement

By Lars Hadron-Collider, our Nuclear Correspondent

gnatsIn one of his final acts as First Minister, outgoing premier Alex Salmond has announced his plans to replace the ageing Trident nuclear missile system.

At a press conference in Helenburgh, Mr Salmond revealed that the Scottish Government has developed plans to build a new weapon system, which will be installed before the next Scottish independence referendum, planned for 2017.

The First Minister said that the new system would be "fit to defend the nation against all current and future threats, rather than just those of the cold war."

He told delegates, "We need a new defence system that will ensure the integrity of Scotland's borders and protect us from attacks by others. Trident is only useful for blowing up millions of Russian civilians but, as have no current plans to do that, we will not be replacing it with another nuclear missile system.

"Ours is a country with huge natural resources, and it is upon one of those that we will base our new defence system. We have taken our inspiration from our nation's most feared predator. We are going to weaponise the Scottish midge.

"Midge farms will be deployed along the border and around the coast, so that the animals can be released in response to any attack or attempted incursion. These midge farms will produce a digitally enhanced super-midge we are calling the Cyber Gnat – a creature which is genetically programmed to fight our political battles, even against overwhelming odds.

"We intend to try the weapon out on any Westminster politicians who breeze into Scotlandshire to tell us what we can and cannot do. The plan is not to kill our enemies, but simply to drive them mad through the unrelenting energy of our attacks, thus ensuring they are unable to concentrate on (or even remember) whatever devious plans they originally had.

Consequently, the United Nations has classed the Cyber Gnats as a new kind of WMD or Weapons of Mass Distraction.


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