Morphy forced back to original shape by London diktat

By Ingin Eenana, Our Dundee Correspondent

gandalfandbeornConsummate shape-shifter, "Creepy" Jim Morphy, was abruptly forced to shed his patriotic, proto-Nationalist skin just hours after his spectacular performance at the Edinburgh International Conference Centre.

After a lengthy introduction in which he really was "Rambling Sid Rumpo" from the 1960s, Morphy made the on-stage transition to being Nicola Sturgeon (complete with tin helmet). How the audience (apart from the unions) loved it!

His Vow that "he will not need permission from the party's UK leader Ed Miliband for decisions relating to Scotland" was wildly acclaimed as being just as full of shit meaning as the Daily Record's Vow.

Yet within hours, London brought him to his knees.

Apparently, SLAB hopeful in Dundee East, Leslie Bunion had misinterpreted the Vow as having substance.

Terrified after being targeted by war criminal Blair with a donation to her campaign, she publicly tweeted that she "wisnae haein ony o' yon blood stained bastirt's cash pollutin the Fair City - or even Dundee."

Later she declared: "When I go down, I'll do it with passion, knowing that I have given satisfaction to the few hard-working men in Dundee Labour Party, and encouraged them to give their all - unlike Magrit who only does it for hard cash."

However, Labour HQ in London poured cold water on her. A spokescock said: "She thinks Tony Blair’s office is going to write the Dundee Labour Party a cheque but it all comes through national spend. He made a donation of £1,000 to the local campaigns in 106 target constituencies across the UK, saying they were ‘where the election will be won for Labour', and we decide who wins.

"Ed was quite right in wishing Morphy was FM in Scotlandshire. The last thing he wants is that bastard back down here. That's why we are sending the cash to places where SLAB hasn't a hope in hell of winning.

"We'd much prefer working with the Tories. At least we understand what they say. So go shag yer Mam", he chortled.

Morphy made a desperate attempt to make some kind of recovery by abandoning all hope of Westminster and pitching a Holyrood policy for 2016. While the Hootsmon loyally published his Press release as a news story, as so often before, they screwed up. The final section of the article ended up as a gift to the SNP.

Morphy said: “People on low pay don’t need warm words from politicians, they need a plan of action.”
The SNP government currently funds a Living Wage Accreditation scheme in Scotland.

Meanwhile, in Glasgow, Councillor Matheson lamented that no one was capable of giving any political direction in his city. He commented: "Magrit gave me a pile of leaflets and said to do the local car parks. Does she want me to pass out leaflets or just keep myself amused?"

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