The Secret Diaries of A Mole (aged like a blue cheese – phew)
By Ally Carmichael MP (pro tem) our Dissembling and Equivocation Correspondent
This week we are proud to present the secret diaries of acting MP for Orkney & Shetland Alistair Carmichael.
It has been a tough week for the recently retired Scottish Secretary and we at the State broadcaster would like to show our support for this honest politician by sharing his innermost thoughts with an eager nation.
We are unable to bring you Mhairi Black's diaries this week as she is on study leave for her final politics exam.
There is also the small matter of the D notice that was placed on her Twitter feed last week.
Bloody Shetland News found out that Tavish knew about Nickygate near enough straight from the get go. Feeling a lot better that I'm not going to be the only one with their arse out the window.
Couldn't sneak into the constituency office for the 50 protestors outside. I understand Johann's bunker is still empty. Might check flights to Glasgow if they don't go away soon.
Had a call from Nick to say the Natz have taken over our old office block in Westminster and kicked us into the corridor. I really need to find a new place to hide before I can risk going down there again.
Have silenced a load of Nationalist protesters outside the Cathedral. Must admit the number of Nat thugs is making me concerned for my personal safety. Bet the First Minister is behind all this.
There's quite a few grannies in the mob, most of whom I phoned last year to tell them their pensions would stop if they voted Yes. I'm starting to think that was unwise – some of them look angry and quite tough. Help me Rona!
Paddington sent up a few boxes of documents. He says it's called Operation Diagon-Ally as I need to make them disappear.
Got in some special cleaners from the branch to help with the shredding. Feeling more relaxed by the document.
Had another call from Nick. He tells me to hold fast because the LibDem MP's Christmas dinner is already booked and they don't do refunds for such a small party.
Now Nicola's demanding my resignation. What did I ever do to her?
Noticed this sign on my way to work. How did the damn Natz know I was skiving from Westminster this week. Took inspiration from the words deerness and hope. Glad to see such a show of support for me staying on. Still feeling resolute as the last Lib Dem voice in Scotlandshire.
Sir Malcolm went on the radio to put a lid on things. He tried to use the old 'they're all lying bastards' defence. Thanks a f**king million, pal. Talk about giving me the Malky!
Some local Nat up here has started a crowdfunder to get me kicked out. I doubt it will raise more than a tenner, but it still smarts.
Tavish says he's not angry with me, just very disappointed. Who does he think he is, my fucking dad? Told him he'll never get into Valhalla with such a defeatist attitude.
Just tweeted that this unpleasantness will soon blow over. That ought to put a stop to it
Paddington called to see how operation Diagon-Ally was getting on. I told him I had kept a few pages back from the shredders as I'm not feeling all the 'protection' I was promised. He seemed a little worried.
Note to self: Never, ever pose for a photo squatting on a pier in shorts holding up a big white card. That's just asking for all kinds of Photoshop related Cybernat abuse. (see image above)
Lots of Cybernat loons on Twitter going on about me paying the costs for the £1.4m enquiry. Clueless bastards!
The Cabinet Secretary already knew it was me as it was his office who sent me the memo to leak in the first place.
The 'enquiry' consisted of not dropping me in it until after the election. Didn't cost a penny.
Passed that SNP plant in Kirkwall airport. He was jumping on a flight to Edinburgh with a big bag of Nat cash.
Held two surgeries today. For the first time I can remember all the questions were the same: "Have you resigned yet, you lying bastirt?"
Some people saying they only voted for me because they didn't know I was a liar. Did they sleep through the whole Referendum thing then?
Just heard the Nat plants have lodged a petition with the Court of Session. Still not worried though. They don't stand a chance against my superior knowledge of the law.
My lawyers advised against sending off the "I'm SO SO Sorry" musical card to Nicola. Cost me £8 in Jackie's Gifts & Cards as well. That will sneak nicely onto the expenses chit as an item of "office stationary".
Asked Kezia if she could get her Dad to back off. Not a good sign when Jeff Dugdale is out to get you. Feeling a wee bit down but I'll bounce back after a wee Malt.
Checked on the Nats' legal challenge crowd funder. They're still struggling to raise the sort of cash they'll need to challenge an Imperial Master such as myself. In good spirits, or maybe that's just the Malt I've been sinking.
Asked the Royal Navy to send HMS Middleton up to quell the Jacobite uprising in Lerwick. The Palace called to say Kate was a bit peeved as the gunboat was a pressie from Wills.
The Times (ha ha) : MPs are liars, admits former Lib Dem deputy leader
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