Orange Order "appalled and dismayed" as Pope becomes latest U-KOK campaigner

by Orday Narimum, our Strictly Neutral Commentator

pope darlingMembers of the anti-independence Friends of the Union Better Together U-KOK Labour United No Thanks campaign could hardly contain themselves on Friday when his Holiness Pope Francis declared that he will be campaigning alongside them.

Hundreds of column inches were added to a cacophony of tweets as Project Fear fanciers shared the wonderful news with one another and taunted the few online separatists with their latest convert.

However, not all loyal Unionists were pleased at the news. Leading members of the Orange Order said they are "appalled" to hear the Pope was to campaign alongside them and "dismayed" to find he was already a Past Master of Loyal Orange Lodge 81 (Port Stanley) from his time as a night club bouncer in Argentina.

Grand Master Tim Haytor told this channel, "We were appalled and dismayed to discover that the Pope is a member of the Order. We can't understand how this could have happened. Granted, he seems to have joined before he became a priest, and a bouncer would seem a perfect profession for a prospective member, but did nobody think to check what foot he kicked with?

Pope Francis was much more laid back about his revelation. "I see no dichotomy between being the Pope and being an Orangeman. After all, it was one of my predecessors who sponsored King Billy and got the whole thing started. We just need to get rid of this sectarian thing and it'll be fine."

Insiders tell us that, following hastily arranged talks between the Order and the Vatican, an accommodation has finally been reached. The Orange Order has agreed to change its motto from 'FTP 1690' to the less snappy 'FTsnP 2014' and in return the Vatican has agreed to give senior Lodge members a wee hurl in the Popemobile.

queen-and-popeHis Holiness will replace Alistair Darling as the head of Project Fear. When asked by this reporter if he had the personality to carry off this role, he replied, "I can always ask the advice of my predecessor Joseph Ratzinger - he was in charge of the Spanish Inquisition, you know. Darling is just a rank amateur when it comes to fearmongering!

"Nonetheless, certain promises were made to me by Mr Cameron concerning ownership of the Malvinas. Nobody expects a Brit politician to keep his word, just ask poor Manuel Baroso, but neither do they expect the Spanish Inquisition. I hope I don't need to send Joe round to number 10. Do I make myself clear?"

Pope Francis's first official duty as a Naw campaigner was to visit the Queen and elicit her support for the Union. This was made necessary by the double failure of Prime Minister David Cameron to persuade her Majesty to take part in the campaign.

During their meeting in Buckingham Palace, the Queen was heard to say to the Pope, " One told that dreadful little man David Cameron, 'Prime Minister, One will sign up to your awful No Thanks campaign as soon as Hell freezes over or the Pope joins the Orange Order.'

"Oh dear... Is that One's pen over there? Where does One sign?"

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