Stolen seats reported across the country

By Sofah Sogood, Our Furniture Correspondent

chair lostAllegations that the total failure to raise any money to fight election campaigns has caused Nats to turn to theft and handling stolen goods, were angrily denied by SNP sources (round behind The Barras) yesterday.

Nat candidate for the Barras (and associated bits of Glasgow Central), Alison Thewliss, stood up hastily when we arrived to interview her. "Many people here can't afford seats while the Sarwars keep them in the family."

"Proudhon said that 'Property is theft' and I'm simply planning to take back what the rich stole from the people", she declared.

"Every constituent will be entitled to an equal share of time sitting on my bit of the Westminster benches.

"Even Jimmy the Jaikie will behave a bloody sight better than the LabTory folk there just now - and drink less."

In superhero Gordon Brown's former constituency, a trail of smashed mobile phones led us to Mr Brown's hideout in the Tesco toilets. "This is the only place I can get a seat now", he moaned, (and even they are being removed). I said I was standing down and not standing again, but how can I be no longer standing if that bastirt Roger Mullin pinches my seat? Saving the world was easier than solving this problem."

crochetMullin, a refugee from the Badlands of Ayr was unrepentant. "Labour have had this seat since the 1930s and it shows. The skidmarks are disgusting, frankly. If I win - and I'm not taking anything for granted or being complacent - then I have a very nice replacement seat, which I plan to move to Edinburgh as soon as possible after independence.

"Not that I'm that fussed about the constitution, but the pollution in London is terrible and my wife Barbara and I have been crocheting the loose covers for months now."

In Scotlandshire's regional capital, the saviour of Britain was equally lamenting the strain on his sturdy thighs. "I can't wait to be elevated to the Lords", he said. "Ma feet are fair gowpin'.

"I used to have a lot of chairs at one time, and they are in one of my houses - but buggered if I can remember which. I did consult a lawyer to check whether those bastards at the Bank of England flogged them off cheap to HSBC, but she turned out to be Joanna Cherry, the Nat candidate.

"She took my case but wouldn't give it back, so I haven't even got that to sit on."

Cherry admitted that she had taken the case - and looked into it. "There was only one piece of evidence, a Top Secret document from McDonut, McTearman and Dalgetybay. It contained the entire SLAB strategy in a few words - 'Lie. We're going down'.

"I gave Alastair the best legal advice based on that - 'Lie down, Darling'."

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