All of Europe invited to celebrate start of WWI
By Tobias Yirnovoat our correspondent for shamelessly cashing in on the fallen
David Cameron has announced a year of celebrations to commemorate the outbreak of "The Great War" which will be held across Europe in 2014.
France and the Low Countries will be invited to join in the 2014 festivities to mark the beginning of the five year global conflict - which the Prime Minister has described as "A 'Great' war, made in Great Britain and won by Great Britain" - so those countries will be able to feel more positive about the outbreak of war.
A spokesbanker for the PM explained that some countries had been "dismayed and appalled" at plans to mark the start of hostilities with a £50 million trench festival. However, critics had been (quite literally) silenced by the subsequent offer to send gangs of Union flag waving English schoolchildren to Belgium and France, to assist the locals in feeling a proper sense of Britishness.
When asked whether the 'Year of the Lovely War' celebrations were intended to combat the likelihood of Scottish independence, the spokesLIBORcheat said; "No, not at all, but that is a most fortunate coincidence', isn't it? Haw haw. Seriously, if we were seen to be spending 50 mil just to get around the spending restrictions of the referendum, people might thing we were going 'over the top', haw haw haw. And no bloody Barnet money either, haw haw haw haw".
Apparently, the German government was also unhappy with the Prime Minister's idea of holding a celebration Christmas' football match in October 2014 in a field in Passendale. This was to have been a 'friendly match' between the Team GB and German Olympic sides.
A spokeskraut for the Bundesleiga told BBC Scotlandshire that premier Angela Merkel was not keen to celebrate either the 1914 or the 1939 anniversaries and that Boris Johnson's "two world wars and a world cup" remark had, if anything, made her feel even less inclined to take part.
A subsequent suggestion, originally proposed by notorious cyberbrit Tom Harris MP, that the Germans might want to mark the 81½ anniversary of the opening of the first concentration camps, resulted in a curt diplomatic response and a reminder that "it vos you Englanders who inwented ze koncentration kamp during ze Boer var,", adding "For us, if not for you, Tommy, ze vor is over".
Spokesnonentity for the now defunct Scottish Liberal Democrats, oor Wullie Rennie told BBC Scotlandshire, "OK. Whatever David Cameron decides is just fine by me. That's a big part of being better Together, you know. It's really the whole point of it.
"Also, I think Alex Salmond should be forced to step down as First Minister, and mibbe be banned from Holyrood or something. 'Cause somebody told me that he supported the SNP, or he used to, or something like that anyway.
"And besides, he's always making me look stupid on the telly. And I'm no stupid. But I'm going to classes an I'm hoping to become stupid by the next election." adding, "Bit hey, whit can you do, eh?"
Heidgirl of the Scottish Conservative and Unionist party, Roofy Davidson MSP, said: "I don't see what all the fuss is about. 90 percent of Scots live on benefits and will qualify for the free union jacks that the Orange Order will be distributing for us. That's a lot more than those scrounging jockstraps deserve, if you ask me."
Chairkeelie of the Royal & Ancient Judicial Committee of Unionist Nutters Torpedoeing Separation, Ian Davidson MP, dissembled to a BBC Scotlandshire reporter:
"That' aw shite! Me an ma committee ur gonnay ban aw James Bond filums and Braveheart, and Rob Roy, and Highlander from the telly fur the hale ay 2014, jist in case they make people feel too Scoatish. An wur takin' River City aff the boax. An Newsnat Scoatland. An aw that Gaelic cac an aw.
"Besides, ur the natz no celebratin' the start ay Bannockburn onywiy? Mind you the start an the end wus oan the same day, but that's no the point, is it? Its just too Scoatish, and that's aye a bad thing.
Plus, we only celebrate when the English GIED sumboady a doin', even if they goat the Jocks tae go in an' dae if fur them. We dinnay ever celebrate sumboady GIEIN' the English a doin, dae we? Of course no – that wid be treason, boy, let me tell you!"
Leader of Labour in Scotland Johann 'Rosa' Lamont was unavailable for comment, as she was too busy sharpening the wee knives in her shoes.
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