Politicians rush to remodel themselves

By Lower Ratone, Our English Meeja Correspondent

jackstrawAmazed by the free publicity generated by the Sun today by its (un)coverage of Sturgeon's ball and the deep tanning provided for Tasmina Ahmed-Sheikh, a flurry of politicians have rushed to join them.

A spokesthong for Malcolm Rifkind (see below - if you dare) said: "With his Lords' career gone, Jack feels a career in adult movies has exciting possibilities."

Jack Straw pouted: "Having sold off everything else, I'm now entitled to sell my body to the highest bidder."

Better that he had been ignored again, in favour of a suddenly un-prettied Tasmina, Humza Yousaf tweeted "Just in case @TheSunNewspaper want to write a piece about me, here's a pic of me below." (see below)

Tommy Sheridan demanded to know why his face had not been used in the Tasmina article.

He angrily sued: "Not only is my skin even more tanned than the woman they displayed, but I'm even prettier than Tasmina."

Meanwhile, strategists in the SLAB bunker struggled with how to retartanise themselves in line with the Steve Bell cartoon.

dreamyousaf"Before Bell redefined Scotchness", said one, "it was easy peasy.

"Talking about patriotism and drinking Irn Bru (though Creepy Jim hates the stuff) was a dawdle. We can handle the country dancing, but the incest bit is harder.

"Ma Maw has barred me from the house, just in case."

SLAB Comms Director, Sue'em Dalgetybay, announced that, in future, all Constituency and Branch (in the constituency that has more than one branch) meetings will start and end with a Scottish Country Dance.

She declared: "The choice was hard, because SLAB had just converted to Jim's "get pished at the fitba" policy, and were mostly Sloshed.

rifkind"Candidate dances were The Bees of Maggieknockater (Maggie Knockater's constituency objected); Hamilton House (not after that fu*king speech!); The Machine without horses (too modern); Scottish Reform (you must be joking!); Up in the Air (too much like our chances); and Robertson’s Rant.

"The overwhelming choice of the Steering Group (me) was Robertson's Rant - although we have devised new steps for it.

"In tribute to Lord George's "forces of darkness" speech, we will all stand naked in a circle and scream abuse at the Natz.

"As membership numbers are somewhat low, certain constituencies will be permitted to redefine 'circle' as 'two people standing opposite each other'.

"If they happen to be related, as is normally the case, then conformity with Bell's other requirement will be easily achieved.

"Frankly, our greatest hurdle isn't the incest bit, but how the fu*k do we follow Steve Bell's demand that all Scots women have to look like Susan Boyle?"


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Grauniad: Steve Bell on Nicola Sturgeon (pretending to be Susan Boyle)


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