Bringing you ludicrous, spurious and ill-conceived Scottish stories from Atlantic Quay.
Any similarity to other terminally biased national broadcasters is entirely unfortunate.

Salmond slams Trident safety concerns

By Dee Fensliss, Our Global Geopolitics correspondent

Trident DebateThere was utter confusion at Westminster yesterday when Alex Salmond called for an adjournment debate on the safety of the UK's nuclear deterrent at HM Naval Base Clyde.

The opposition benches, which have been overrun by the SNP members, were once again stuffed with Scottish Nationalist MPs. Members from other parties felt so intimidated that they felt obliged tostaywell away from the chamber, hiding in various bars and subsidised restaurants..

The debate was sparked by a potentially explosive report written by a very junior submariner, who subsequently went on the run for a while, before handing himself into authorities after the public had finally noticed his shenanigans.

A comprehensive Ministry of Defence investigation has given the Trident planet killing system a completely clean bill of health and the UK nuclear naval bases have been proclaimed the most secure military facilities worldwide.

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Unruly SNP 'yobbos' ruin historic Queen's speech

By Nickerless Witch-Hell, Our Royal Toadying Correspondent

Chris-lawThe first Conservative Queen's speech to be put forward in almost 20 years had been 'castrated' by scheming SNP MPs, claims one Conservative grandee today.

The speech, which outlined the government's legislative programme for the next year, was widely expected to include bills on two of the Tories' favourite subjects. Those were: the repeal of the fox hunting ban and the repeal of the 1998 Human Rights Act.

However, to the obvious shocked dismay of both Tory backbenchers and BBC journalists alike, neither of these two flagship Conservative policies were included in Her Majesty's speech.

In fact, there was no reference whatever to fox hunting, and a brief reference to consultation on the issue of ending human rights.

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The decline and fall of the No-man's empire

sad-charmichaelIn the crescents of Edinburgh's new Georgian village,
as the SNP's fortunes still surged on,
the new French Ambassador came to Bute House
to confer with First Minister Sturgeon.

The French Consul General sat in the meeting
to capture the gist of discussion.
He minuted everything worthy of note
in the usual time-honoured fashion.

Then that afternoon the same French diplomat
phoned an unnamed, obscure civil servant
who, while he works secretly for MI5,
is based up here in Melville Crescent.

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Shades of Black II: Mhairi's second week at Westminster

By Mhairi Black MP, The most photographed new MP in over 300 years

mhairi-affirmationThis week we continue our serialisation of the diaries of Mhairi Black MP as she carves out her role in the Westminster parliament.

Throughout most of this week, Mhairi has also been sharing her thoughts and experiences with the public through her Twitter account, @MhairisDiaries.

Sadly, Twitter suspended this account on Thursday morning following a complaint from a Mr D Alexander of Kensington.

The complainant had asserted that: "Since the idea of a 20 year old student from Paisley taking an ultra safe seat from the shadow Foreign Secretary is so utterly preposterous, the account must surely be guilty of 'impersonation'."

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Polling disaster – “It wisnae me”, says Poultice

By Prof John Poultice, the World’s only Bean Counter

curtainsThank you for all your letters of concern after my apparent breakdown on BBC Scotlandshire’s 24 minute marathon election results coverage.

I have now recovered, and been able to analyse and explain away the apparent discrepancies between our poll on ex-SLAB voting intentions, and what the rest of the world is pleased to call “reality”.

We asked “As the Unionist parties Morph into a single blur, former SLab voters are now free to indulge their secret fantasies and vote for any label of their choice. Would you vote – “

Unfortunately, due to a technical oversight, the first possible answer to “Would you vote?” was omitted. That answer was of course, “Not on your f**king life!”

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Journalistic standards fall still further at the Times

By Kenny McQuarrell, Director General of BBC Scotlandshire

times-shortEditing standards in Rupert Murdoch's newspaper empire have fallen to a new nadir as the Times attributes the publication of new SNP MP Mhairi Black's Westminster diaries to the wrong television station.

BBC Scotlandshire this week began to serialise Ms Black's diaries, publishing the initial entries of her journal on its award-winning website on Thursday.

The youngest ever UK MP, Miss Black has now launched a new Twitter account, @MhairisDiaries, to further document her experiences and observations as she and most of her 55 colleagues find their feet in 'the mother of all parliaments'.

However in a piece in Saturday's edition of the Times of London, while correctly attributing authorship of the diaries to the MP, the once-respected newspaper claimed that the diaries had been published by old-media channel BBC Scotland(sic) rather than BBC Scotlandshire (see image above).

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Shades of Black: Mhairi's first days at Westminster

By Mhairi Black MP, Slayer of Wee Duggie Alexander

Mhairi-Black-duggyMhairi Black, the UK's youngest ever MP, claimed the SNP's most remarkable scalp north of the border and is poised to become one of Westminster's best known parliamentarians.

Last Thursday Miss Black took Paisley and Renfrewshire South from Douglas Alexander with a 27% swing from Labour to the SNP.

In a BBC Scotlandshire exclusive, Mhairi Black has agreed to write about the big moments from her early days as a Westminster MP.

This will be the first time a new MP will have chronicled their experiences of joining colleagues in the Palace of Westminster in real time.

Following this initial broadcast, the diaries of Mhairi Black MP will continue on Twitter.

We hope also to bring you periodic updates on the BBC.

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Ian Murray to lead Scottish Labour – sometime soon

By Dinn A Gerrit-Yette, our Scottish Labour Strategy Correspondent

ianmurrayIan Murray MP for Edinburgh South has been chosen to replace Jim Murphy (not an MP) as leader of the Labour party in Scotlandshire.

The Edinburgh MP was the first choice for Labour members and MSPs and received the unanimous support of the Westminster parliamentary group, something no other MP has ever managed to do.

Mr Murray told this channel: "It was important that the new leader was an MP as he or she will need to keep a tight reign on the parliamentary group while they resist the new group of SNP MPs.

"As the only member of that group, I was clearly in the best position to ensure party discipline.

"In the early hours of Friday morning I imagined another MP as my deputy but events intervened. Now it seems, like Jim, I will be shadowed by one of the Z-list Holyrooders."

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Police seek 'burly men' in Annan polling scandal

By Tori Fibbur, our Irresponsible Dissembler Correspondent

burlyPolice in Dumfriesshire are calling for public support to find a group of 'burly men' who were reported as having harassed voters in front of a polling station in Annan.

The complaint was made by Scottish Conservative leader Ruth Davidson (the niece of recently retired chairchoob Ian Davidson MP), who was apparently less than 120 miles from the scene.

In a tweet, she claimed, "Disturbing reports of people being turned away from an Annan polling station by burly blokes if they say they don't support a certain party".

She was then challenged as to whether the police had been called, or if she had "just made it up", and responded: "We are contacting the relevant personnel".

Ms Davidson appeared exhausted following a very busy fortnight organising the illegal sampling of postal votes from inside her 'tactical voting tank', a process which insiders say has left her increasingly frustrated and depressed.

The terrible postal results may go some way to explain her accusation of electoral interference, which has been described by one activist on social media as "a total fucking lie, by the way" and by another as "...the most irresponsible act by any party leader since Jeremy Thorpe".

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Scots MPs should be seen but not heard, says Cameron

By May D Tollup, our (unpublished) Constitutional Correspondent

porridgeDavid Cameron has said that MPs representing Scottish constituencies should be "seen but not heard" in the next Westminster parliament.

In a speech to non-dom party donors and Daily Mail editors, filmed by the BBC, the Prime Minister said that Scottish MPs must not be allowed to take part in the business of the parliament, but should instead be welcomed as 'observers'.

He said: "We understand from our esteemed and very well-heeled colleague Lord Ashcroft that the vast majority of Scots members will represent the Scottish Nationalist Party after this election.

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