Britain blooms as Scotlandshire is unquestionably Better Together
By Gordon Brownlips, our Pensions, Powers and Transplants Correspondent.
Since last Friday's confirmation of Westminster's superiority, life has already become far better for the resident's of Great Britain's most northerly region.
Over the course of just a few short days, in what must be seen as a ringing endorsement of the Better Together campaign, almost every aspect of life in Scotlandshire has shown a rapid improvement.
In the few brief examples I have given below (taken from one of my after dinner speeches) my subjects can see for themselves that, just as I promised you all before the referendum, the UK really is OK.
No means No!
Within minutes of the referendum result, we found out that 'Devo Whatever' was not going to happen after all. The Prime Minister informed us that all the lovely new powers they had set aside for the Scottish parliament were urgently needed by English MPs, and cities, and perhaps regions too (if they wanted any), and the Welsh. Ed Miliband immediately concurred, adding that this 'pulling and sharing' of Scottish resources was exactly what we had all just voted for.
Mrs Effie Nervus (89) of Morningside said: “I was about to blindly vote Yes until a polite young man from Labour, with a lovely posh accent might I add, telephoned to tell me that Alicksammin was going to take my pension away and spend it all on gay marriages.”
Doctor, Doctor, give me the news
Scottish Labourites and other Conservative shills have been catching up with their reading now that the Union has been saved. Many were shocked to discover that, in less than a week, the NHS has gone from being safe in Westminster's hands, to being under attack from the Tories. And now we discover it is also subject to massive privatisation from the EU's TTIP programme and from hundreds of UK parliamentarians with large private health holdings.
This information was only uncovered by reading every single statement made in the last 18 months by Labour's Shadow Health Secretary, Andy Burnham. Who knew?
Oh what a lovely war!
After several unsuccessful attempts, Blighty is now finally back at war with someone in the Middle East. This is great news as it will improve our national prestige, stimulate our economy and (in common with all previous wars in the region) bring greater stability to the Middle East. More importantly, David Cameron has found his 'Falklands moment' at last. This should guarantee the return of a Tory/UKIP coalition even faster than a Miliband conference speech.
The Queen's a Unionist (and the Pope's a Catholic)
Her Majesty the Queen has now revealed herself to be staunchly in support of the Union. This will come as a shock to the majority of Scots who have always assumed she was an opponent of vast privilege and inequality.
As Prime Minister David Cameron recounted in a private remark made during a recent press conference, the Queen said to him: “ Had the Yes campaign been successful, and One's Kingdom broken asunder, One would have abandoned One's constitutionally neutral stance and supported immediate reunification. As a German, One could adopt no other position.”
Oil get ma coat
Based on a university research programme, carried out over the past few days, it now appears that North Sea oil and gas reserves will last over 100 years. The new extraction techniques, which were unheard of just a week earlier, have led to an enormous increase in UK government estimates of remaining reserves, outstripping even the wildest fantasies of the Yes campaign.
Leading No campaigner Sir Ian Wood said: “OK, I feel a right eejit for missing this but at least I can can console myself by fracking right under your house and there's not a thing you can fracking do about it.
"So, who's the eejit now, eh, eh?”
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