Police seek 'burly men' in Annan polling scandal

By Tori Fibbur, our Irresponsible Dissembler Correspondent

burlyPolice in Dumfriesshire are calling for public support to find a group of 'burly men' who were reported as having harassed voters in front of a polling station in Annan.

The complaint was made by Scottish Conservative leader Ruth Davidson (the niece of recently retired chairchoob Ian Davidson MP), who was apparently less than 120 miles from the scene.

In a tweet, she claimed, "Disturbing reports of people being turned away from an Annan polling station by burly blokes if they say they don't support a certain party".

She was then challenged as to whether the police had been called, or if she had "just made it up", and responded: "We are contacting the relevant personnel".

Ms Davidson appeared exhausted following a very busy fortnight organising the illegal sampling of postal votes from inside her 'tactical voting tank', a process which insiders say has left her increasingly frustrated and depressed.

The terrible postal results may go some way to explain her accusation of electoral interference, which has been described by one activist on social media as "a total fucking lie, by the way" and by another as "...the most irresponsible act by any party leader since Jeremy Thorpe".

"Bollocks"

Any hope of electoral advantage for Ms Davidson's beleaguered party was dashed, however, when the actual Annan polling agents tweeted a selfie which showed they were neither burly nor even men.

One of the women pictured in the selfie told our reporter: "We have been here all day and so far we are only guilty of smiling at voters as they enter the polling station.

"The police have been coming past regularly and have had no reason to speak to us".

Another said: "You might say, the Dumfries police dismisseth us".

"Contrived"

Ms Davidson's spurious complaint come in the wake of allegations of abuse by protesters which were made by Labour in Scotlandshire leader Jim Murphy following a set-piece 'walkabout' in Glasgow.

This led campaigners to complain that not only are the policies of the two parties indistinguishable, but now so are their dishonest campaign tactics.

Mr Murphy alleged that he and his team of 30 highly mobile supporters had been 'bumped into' by a mob of almost 3 'space invading' anti-austerity activists.

However, it later emerged that, not only had the Labour party 'tipped off' the serial protestors, but that Mr Murphy had been filmed staggering along Buchanan street, crashing deliberately into protestors and their banners for the benefit of the assembled press corps.

"Hard Times"

A spokesned for 'Scottish' Labour later apologised for Mr Murphy's bahaviour saying: "Jim is going through a rough patch right now and we would ask that you leave him alone.

"He is expecting to become unemployed by this weekend at the very time the Natz are planning to kill of his sinecure by abolishing the House of Lords.

"Jim never courts publicity, so it is only fair to give him some space at this difficult time for him and his branch office team.

"As to him staggering and coliding with people, Jim does not drink alcohol so we can only think that he has been overusing the yellow marker on the predictions board in SLab HQ.

"It wouldn't be the first time, to be honest, and could also explain the majority of his policy announcements."



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