U-KOK rise again!

By Jinty Hoowl, Our Jolly Hockeysticks Correspondent [1]

yousafU-KOK has changed its name again girls! We have all been taught that it is our role in life to be good wives and mothers : to lie back and think of England. Follow Nob Orders, in all its manifestations, and all will be well.

While we are young, lots of us fancy bad boys like Humza Yousaf, but would you want to marry him and live in abject poverty, cast out by your loving family?

That's why caring Tories have joined together to keep the family of nations together (apart from the Eyeties and especially the damn Frogs!)

Many of us have voted Labour for years because, not only do our right-wing reactionary views, fit in so well there, but they are the bulwark against the Scotch - the enemies of Britain.

We know that a Labour Government is just as good as a Tory one, since both make the bankers very happy people, and they are so thankful they give us oodles of cash in return.

In the same way, it is far better for you young girls to be looked after by the former No activists, business figures and academics in the "Scotlandshire in Conjugal Union" movement. In fact, many of these nice gentlemen are keen to help you through your university career.

Just for the pleasure of your company, these "sugar daddies" will be very generous.

Indeed, that's why tuition fees are such a good thing. Only straight boys and ugly girls have to pay them.

Now some of you may be worried that showing an interest in politics will make you less attractive to boys. Nothing could be further from the truth. As long as you only date Tories (Red or Blue - it's all the same) and agree with everything they say, you'll be admired for your brain, as well as your more important attributes.

bird-murhyIf you are unfortunate enough to live in Scotlandshire, and are dating a boy of 18, offer him everything, but only if he'll vote against the Nats. Then you can proudly wear the free badge that came with this comic. "Laid for Britain".

We're proud of our new slogan - "Fun. Dead in the United Kingdom".

As we remove the poor and the old, there's so much more fun left for the rest of us.

PS Libby Brooks, the Guardian's reporter in Scotlandshire says she is having trouble tracking down those of us supporting "new U-KOK". She has tweeted "Any followers connected with Scotland in Union? Having trouble tracking down a contact."

That's not an accident, Libby!

So, if she gets in touch with you, don't tell her what I've said. It's our little secret. Remember, Mum's the word! and it certainly will be if you follow our advice.

[1] Jinty wishes it to be known that her unfortunate forename does not derive from the Scotch girl's name, but from the name of a weekly British comic [2] for girls published in London. It is, therefore, an entirely British name which, by definition excludes any Scotch connection whatsoever.

[2] That Jinty's writings adopt the linguistic subtlety and political analysis appropriate for a 1970s girls' comic is an homage to her roots, not (as first appears) evidence that she is as thick as shit in the neck of a bottle.

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