Prizewinners celebrate success at this years Scottish Quisling awards

By Pears McAvity our Showbiz Correspondent

wunch-of-bankersThe annual Union of Scottish Unionist Quislings awards took place last night in lavish red carpet event hosted in the House of Lords in front of a glamorous crowd.

Revellers included a small bevvy of journalists, a large appropriation of MPs, a substantial honorarium of Lords and a complete wunch of bankers. [ Ed: Are you sure that's the correct collective noun, Pears?] The event was sponsored by the City Of London Old-boy Network.

These awards were launched in 1978 , when USUQ was formed by the Labour and Conservative parties as part of their preparations for the Scottish Assembly referendum. Each year since then, USUQ has recognised and rewarded those Scottish politicians who have shown outstanding commitment to working against the interests of Scots and the Scottish Nation.

Awards are given for several essential categories of endeavour, including lying, cheating, obfuscation, legislative abuse and scaremongering.

The most prestigious of these is the Ian Davidson award for Dunderheids Opposing Independent Nationhood, better known as the 'Doin'. Past recipients of this award include Michael Forsyth, Jack McConnell and Gordon Brown, each of whom was given a well-deserved doin for exceptional service to the detriment of Scottish politics.

Michael Forsyth and Jack McConnell were also given special awards for outstanding service against Scotand. Forsyth was made a Permanent Ersatz English Rogue for services to the poll tax, while McConnell was elevated to Perpetual Representative of International Quislings for returning £1.5 billion of Barnett funding after being unable to "think of anything to spend it on in Scotland".

fraserThis year, the coveted British Insurance Guild / London Institute for Economics prize for creative scaremongering went to Lord Fraser of Carmyllie for his prediction that England would need to carpet bomb Scottish airports to stop them being used to support a terrorist invasion. His Lordship is now something of an authority on airport security, following his arrest in 2006 by Tayside police for abusing airline staff during a flight to Dundee.

The panel was particularly impressed by the way he avoided any mention of the need to pass through at least one English airport just to get to any of the Scottish ones. His lordship was seen as a true evangelist of the BIG/LIE philosophy.

Lord Fraser said: "I'm proud of my country, BUT... Scotland is simply too small to be able to defend itself without the support of the UK. In fact, it is that very smallness which has led us to withdraw so many troops and othe military resources from Scotland to the much bigger, and more strategic, South of England. Trust me, your country is safe in our hands."

The award for Blatant, Automatic and Laughable Organised Oppositionalist Nonsense was given to Willie Bain for the invention of the "Bain Principle", which saw Labour MPs from Scotland opposing and voting against anything proposed by the SNP, regardless of its merit. So successful has the Bain Principle been, that it has now been enthusiastically adopted both in the Scottish parliament and in councils across Scotland.

Mr Bain Said: "I'm proud to be a Scot, BUT... I feel Scotland is far too poor to be trusted with any sort of economy," adding, "A maybe it's a because oi'm a Londoner, that oi put Scotland down."

forsyth-awardThe Anti-Scottish Speechmaking (ASS) award went again this year to Michael Forsyth for his many anti-Scottish interventions in the House of Lords over the past 12 months. He has missed no opportunity to denigrate his country or damage its interests, and is considered to be the very model of a Conservative ASS.

Accepting the award for the third successive year, Lord Forsyth of DrummedootayAlba said: "Now, I am as proud a Scot as the next fellow, BUT... I feel it is imperative that no important decisions affecting Scotland should be taken by Scottish politicians, as they are generally far too stupid to take them correctly. Specifically, they very often fail to take proper account of wider English interests and make decisions based on a narrow view of what is in the best interests of their own country."

Ian Davidson MP, Chairchoob of the Scottish Affairs committee on Tory Westminster Against Teuchter Sovreignty, said: "Ah loved that bit aboot bombin' Glesga an Embrae airports, so a did. That'ull show they separatist bastirts who they're dealin wi, aw right.

"By the way, ah wus pure dead proud tae win the Davidson Ignorance Quaich for Helping England Imply Danger once again, just like a huv every year since it wis me masel whit donated it tae the Quislings. I wonder who'll be getting a Doin this year, then."

In fact, the worthy 2012 recipient of a Doin was Johann Lamont, who received the award for destruction of the Labour party in Scotland, outstanding pliancy under instruction from London and for generally making all Scots look no better than wee stairhead rammie merchants. She was also awarded a visitor's pass to shadow cabinet meetings, at least until Autumn 2014, after which her services will no longer be required.

The award was accepted on her behalf by a Mr James Krankie, as Johann Lamont was unavailable.

[Editor's note: Please make your nominations for next year's Quislings below, stating which award your candidate should win, and why.]

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