Polling disaster – “It wisnae me”, says Poultice

By Prof John Poultice, the World’s only Bean Counter

curtainsThank you for all your letters of concern after my apparent breakdown on BBC Scotlandshire’s 24 minute marathon election results coverage.

I have now recovered, and been able to analyse and explain away the apparent discrepancies between our poll on ex-SLAB voting intentions, and what the rest of the world is pleased to call “reality”.

We asked “As the Unionist parties Morph into a single blur, former SLab voters are now free to indulge their secret fantasies and vote for any label of their choice. Would you vote – “

Unfortunately, due to a technical oversight, the first possible answer to “Would you vote?” was omitted. That answer was of course, “Not on your f**king life!”

Fortunately, our perspicacious readership realised this and understood that voting Monster Raving Loony Party was the equivalent, since they had no candidates in Scotlandshire other than poll tax architect and chief Jock to Cameron, Andrew f**king Dunlop, who was always going to be Mundell’s arse wiper privvy councillor anyway.

The results

Consequently, our poll correctly identified that 44.1% of ex-SLAB voters would just ignore the election and piss off to the pub to become loonies under their own cognisance.

When the numbers for the remaining options are recalculated to exclude the “Don’t Know (whaur ma hoose is)” and “Undecided (tae hae a curry or a fish supper)” then the numbers wholly justify the entire polling industry (ie me).

We suggested that you may want to vote Liberal Democrat – “because I don't want to kick a dog when it's down” 11% of you decided that kicking poodles wouldn’t be much fun.

We were surprised that 8.1% of the whole cohort were voting Christian Party – “because believing in a Supreme Being is just like believing that Ed Miliband exists”.

Actually, the Christians got 6.6% of the vote in Na h-Eileanan an Iar and 0.7% in Inverness, Nairn, Badenoch & Strathspey. 6.6+ 0.7 = 7.3 – so that was pretty close, though we thought it unusual to find such a high percentage of teuchters among our readership.

That did, however, explain the 18% voting Conservative – “because it's near the top of the list”. Kez Dawgdale has explained that schooling hasn’t reached much of the Highlands yet.

UKIP – “because they sound just like Jeremy Clarkson, and I'd like a big car” attracted 17% of you. While this was greatly in excess of the actual vote delivered on the 7th of May, the actual number of individuals – 142, was very close to the result, so well done all of you for finding out that making a cross did not involve setting the bloody thing on fire this time!

Finally Labour – “Ach. Just for old time's sake. Like putting flowers on your Granny's grave”. 39% of you are sentimentalists at heart. You must have been so pleased, not just with the Ed stone, but the unceremonious way in which Creepy Jim shovelled the ashes of the auld bitch into the dustbin of history with such aplomb on Saturday.

Finally, I'd like to point out that he Poultice funds will be severely constrained now that the English election is over. Please boost my income by voting in our new poll as to which Nat will be the first to be thrown out of the Commons.


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