Tattler to issue clothing guide for top Tories

By Luke Atmatrooz, Our high fashion correspondent

ToriesTattler magazine, the voice of the big swinging nobs of the English establishment, has announced they will be publishing a guide for senior Conservative politicians  to assist them in selecting the correct attire for every situation they are likely to meet.

The announcement follows the ‘dressing down’ given by the Prime Minister to the leader of the Opposition in Wednesday’s PMQ’s when the PM observed that his adversary’s question was unworthy of a response due to his ‘dressing down’.

This exchange served to highlight the importance of having a suitable wardrobe when you are in the cabinet or heading for the lobby.

We caught up with Lucinda Pusway-Naychin, the author of the “Couture catalogue for Conservatives in cabinet’, at a swank launch party in Mayfair.

“It has been said that clothes maketh the man, and they certainly maketh the Tory, but today’s politician needs a wide range of outfits to meet the demands of his job.

“For, example, a lounge suit with an open necked shirt may be fine for a Lib Dem, but should never be seen on a Conservative. Silk tie and single breasted suit are de rigueur.

“A light grey suit may be generally appropriate for attending the House of Commons but a darker, more somber cloth would be appropriate when introducing legislation intended to impoverish or cull the more vulnerable members of society.

“In particular, policies likely to lead to large numbers of suicides should be delivered while sporting a self coloured tie - there’s no place for Paisley patterns here - unless you are specifically targeting voters in Scotlandshire.

“And, of course, any discussions involving banking, corporate tax affairs, the ennoblement of trusted colleagues or the covering up of child molestation should be accompanied by an old school tie.

“Following these few simple rules, should lead to a long and glorious career, followed by a well deserved string of non-execs to make retirement as comfortable as it can possibly be.


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