Chief Counting Officer announces dramatic change in voting arrangements

By Nadzieja Kwiatkowski, Our Polish [1] Correspondent

ballot boxScotlandshire's Chief Counting Officer, Ms Winding Way, has made a dramatic, but timely, change to the arrangements for the Independence Referendum next month.

"I am required by legislation", she announced, "to ensure that the arrangements for the referendum voting are utterly and transparently fair.

"My vision for the conduct of the referendum is that there should be no barriers to any voter taking part ; voters must have the same experience wherever they are in Scotlandshire ; the referendum will be administered efficiently; and the referendum will produce results that are accepted as accurate.

"However, it is now clear that there will be a massive turnout for this referendum, the likes of which our polling stations have never seen before. Consequently, I need to ensure that we do not see the massive queues at polling stations that are seen in less well developed democracies like South Africa, the USA and England.

They queue in the sun, but Scots will not stand in the pissing rain for several hours to cast their vote.

voting queue"It is essential, therefore, to extend the voting period over two days, rather than the one day originally scheduled.

In order to allow for an orderly process, ideally the electorate should be divided into two roughly equally sized groups to vote on different days. Opinion polls suggest that the electorate is roughly equally divided into Yes and No voters, so that makes for a tidy division."

The leaders of the two official campaigns, David Cameron and the Rev Stu Campbell, met at the offices of the Chief Counting Officer today, and agreed that a toss of the coin should decide who voted when. As the senior tosser, Mr Cameron spun a double-headed coin, called "heads" and lost.

The Rev Campbell said he was mystified as to how that could have happened, but the "Boys' Wee Blue Book of Magic Tricks" that dropped out of his trousers may provide some hint.

It has been decided, therefore, that Yes voters should cast their ballots on 18th September, while No voters should cast theirs on the 19th. Those still undecided can turn up on 20th September, when the election is over.

As columnist Iain McWhirter said, "This fu*king campaign has dragged on for years. Those who are still undecided can just piss off."

All government agencies, local authorities and campaigners on both sides should ensure that this Public Information poster gets the maximum coverage.

date update

[1] That should be "Polling" Not "Polish". I am a world-renowned commentator on electoral issues, and all you can do is make a cheap joke about my nationality! Are all you No people such bigoted racists? - Nadzieja

Probably. We certainly don't like foreigners. That's why we don't want to BE foreigners - Ed

In that case I'm voting YES on the 18th! - Nadzieja

Do what you like. You will be overwhelmed by our massive turn-out on the 19th! - Ed

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