A little application goes a long way
By Ken MacIntosh MSP, Our Water-Resistant Leak Specialist
BBC Scotlandshire has been given a copy of the following job application for the post of Regional Manager of London Labour's northernmost branch office.
The person who leaked the document to this channel claimed that he (or perhaps she) was acting solely in the interests of transparency, and definitely not to favour the chances of any of the (many) other candidates for the same position.
Dear UK Labour Leadership – London Office, Westminster
Thank you for letting me submit my C.V for inclusion in the ballot for Totally Autonomous, Quite Independent, Supreme Leader of Labour in Scotlandshire (reporting to London), and I hope you give it the consideration due (well, have you seen the cometition?).
Employed. Seriously, whatever's available, If I was in a position to be picky I wouldn't be applying. I need to be on the top of the list come next year or its curtains.
£68,000 a year on the books... a bit more off, but an 11% pay rise like they got in Westminster would be grand too.
Yes, with flying colours! But I lost that crayon set on the plane.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Deputy Dug. Dog Whistle politics for the ultrasonic hearing.
I hate the stuff. lt's like eating stringy water.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible portfolio of 'sad face' photos that I send to the Daily Mail. If they don't use one I get sad... oh wait, I feel one coming on, let me get the selfie stick.
REASON FOR CHANGE:
The last manager had a few anger issues and kept on shouting at old ladies from on top of Irn Bru crates, and that was despite being a good foot taller than them anyway.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
I'm pretty consistent between the hours of 11:00 and 13:00 on a Thursday
As above. With holidays.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
I once thought I was invisible, but it turned out folk were just ignoring me.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
Sure. You may catch him down the job centre.
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
Maybe if it was 50lbs of feathers I'd be ok, but I don't think I could lift 50lbs of bricks.
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
There had better be a company Bentley at the end of this question.
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I won Best Practice Award at Scottish Labour Party Conference for the 100m dash... but I came last in the real event.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
Only if I'm emulating a hero and setting fire to curtains... no seriously, I don't set fire to curtains... I can still lose my job, I need to wait till I'm in the lords.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Sipping Bollinger from the skulls of my enemies as supreme ruler of Scotlandshire (UK sub-branch affiliate status).
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
Virgo, and my horoscope says "You are seen as an introverted individual by many, and your combination of the intellectual and the practical can sometimes be taken for coolness. You are conservative, undemonstrative and somewhat fussy, but you are also witty, charming and sympathetic. You are emotionally warm, but may find it hard to express sincere love"
Can't argue with that can you. Everyone knows Gypsies don't lie.
Due to the huge number of complaints, comments are no longer banned on BBC Scotlandshire News pages.