Is this the most dangerous man in Britain?
By Sandy Mayall, our Scottish Politics Correspondent
Pointless exercise, I thought to myself. A complete waste of my precious Saturday drinking time. Who cares who becomes the deputy Nat-in-chief and, anyway, has anyobody even heard of Tommy Sheppard? He's a nobody.
But, after sitting through an hour of speeches and Q&As, and hearing the many shocked inhalations of my press corps colleages, I began to understand how wrong my initial thoughts had been.
Tommy Sheppard is, without a shadow of doubt, the most dangerous man in the UK.
And he must be stopped - right now - and at any cost. For the very existence of our beloved Britain is at stake!
Tommy Sheppard is a self-confessed Socialist and Republican. He spends his every waking hour fighting to bring about the demise of the UK. Worse still, he supports the abolition of the House of lords and even the Monarchy itself.
After his speech, his friend Hardeep Singh Koli tried to divert our attention from his plans to depose our glorious Queen by saying he supported immigrant single mothers on benefits with large dependant families, but to no avail. We were on to him now.
To those Nats who voted to leave the EU, he said that the next referendum (which he predicted would come sooner than we thought) would not be about whether Scotlandshire stays in Europe, but on who gets to decide whether she stays.
He told us openly of his plans to consolidate the #SNPbad party as the main party of the Scottish left as well as the party of independence (Nat-speak for separation).
That combination of forces could easily overturn the 2014 referendum result. This would lead to the end of everything we know in Britain. (Well at least an end to everything we will know as soon as Mrs May works out her plan for Brexit and finds out what the EU have to say about it.)
Add to this his plans to restructure the SNP machine to make it even more effective than it is now, making full use of the more than 120,000 robotic mind-slaves who have already joined the party, and using his background in Labour to brainwash even more recruits.
Now, I will be the first to admit that we in the Scottish media have often used the term comedian, perhaps overused it, to describe all politicians for whom we do not care - essentially anyone to the left of Ghengis Khan. But this man Sheppard is both a leading Nat politician AND an actual professional comedian, and not in a gentlemanly amateur trust-fundily way like the saintly Boris Johnson.
If there was ever a time for satire or for comedy, this is certainly not that time. The UK is in serious jeapordy from a worthless pound and an surfeit of foreigners and faces an uncertain fiscal future. Most countries in the world profess to hate us, with little or no justifcation, and will use the oopportunity of Brexit to do us harm in whatever way they can.
Tommy Sheppard is a man who looks like a penguin with a chewed caramel face, yet still somehow manages to inspire the admiration and respect of countless thousands of people from his own party and from others, clearly the result of some dire Faustian pact.
If this man, this Tommy Sheppard, this walking timebomb for all we love about Britain, is allowed to make real his terrible plans then I fear all is lost for those of us who love Britain and wish to see its northern province of Scotlandshire kept firmly within its loving and benevolent taloned grasp.
It was a close run race in September 2014, and only the selfless bravery of our Northern Labour footsoldiers, who truthfully explained to the scared and vulnerable pensioners of Scotlandshire that their payments would cease the day after a Yes vote, saved us from certain catastrophe.
However, Sheppard is now attempting to rerun the SNP's neverendun, but not simply to break up the UK of 2014, but rather to destroy the far superior post-Brexit UK of 1954, the one in which we all now live.
- A Britain of warm beer, knee-bells and pig bladders on sticks, a green and pleasant land where the crack of leather on willow can be heard on balmy Summer afternoons;
- A Britain, nay a Great Britain, where the only people of colour are those who have fallen asleep on the beach with a knotted hankie on their heads;
- A Britain where men only have sex with women (unless, of course, they are in parliament or work for the BBC), and where women and the working classes instinctively know their place and are happier for it;
- A Britain where workers have the good grace to die in the first year of their pensions, ensuring they will never be a burden on society;
- A Britain whose Empire again covers half the world, a world of which London is the undisputed centre;
- A blessed land, a sceptered isle, a land of Hope and Glory of which every Englishman can be justly proud.
And the greatest threat to our wonderful nation is Tommy Sheppard MP, the most dangerous man in Britain today.
I urge you, I emplore you, do everything in your power to stop Tommy Sheppard from becoming deputy leader of the SNP!
This story was brought to you by the campaign to elect Angus Robertson.
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