Donorgasm destroys Danny
By Cum Kwikly, Our Sexual Politics Correspondent
The agent shared by all three Highland Lib Dem MPs, Ms Dolly Pastit, was visibly deflated after hearing that Danny Alexander had been taken for a ride, and that her pump would not, after all, be primed.
"It's been difficult for me since the Coalition was formed", she wailed.
"Charlie was always my darling, and his performances were always hugely impressive, but he lost his 'get up and go' as he embraced his true love. When the BBC publicly showed him in her embrace on Question Time, it was all over between us. I'll never forgive that cruel bastirt Dumbledrone for that particular bit of viciousness."
Tearfully, she added: "John Thurso has always been a bit distant, but when he told the whole House of Commons about me I was devastated."
Ms Pastit was recalling her public humiliation when Viscount Thurso told the whole House: "The problem is that there is a very large question mark over whether the action proposed will, or would have had the end desire."
"That just left Danny and I'm the only comfort that Danny has most nights", she sobbed. "I was so looking forward to being pumped up to restore my former inflated sense of importance when the cash rolled in.
"Looking at me now, buying that Brazilian Wandering Spider for him was a mistake."
Liberal Democrats had got very excited when they were approached by a seemingly very nice foreign gentleman who wanted to support their ailing party out of the goodness of his heart, but keen to avoid minor difficulties like publicity and illegality.
"Nil problemo!", said party fund raiser Ibrahim Taguri, "As long as the cheques arrive from your 'cousins' and are dated at different times, no one will ever know - especially the fu*king Telegraph!"
Difficulties arose when the businessman wanted access to important people, of which the LDs have a significant shortfall.
Scraping the bottom of the barrel, he was introduced to Danny, Chief Typist to the Treasury.
When the Telegraph broke the story that the "businessman" was an undercover reporter, and that the LDs were as willing as Dolly Pastit to do anything for a bit of attention, fingers were pointed at Danny.
Although, for many years, the Scotch had been pointing two fingers at Danny and waving them vigorously, Clegg leapt to his defence. "Look at the video!", he shouted.
Desperately he explained: "Danny clearly says he doesn't want to 'to intrude on the details'. Could anything be a clearer statement of 'Christ! Don't tell me how you're going to do it! I can't be party to dodgy dealings for the party!' Danny behaved as all my colleagues do."
Alexander also said: "It genuinely will make a difference to the results of the election."
We can all agree with him on that.
Telegraph: Lib Dem donor scandal
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